I Been There

Nosebleed highs to
soul-crushing lows. I've been there
all alone, & where
everyone knows.

Roller coaster rides -
some took months to reach
the top.
I been through all the
twists & curves. Yeah
I done been dropped.
C h o p p e d & screwed,
used like a tool.
Then cut from the roster,
& knocked off the
choppin block

I been left in the
dark.
Cold, dry & stark.
My face slammed by the door.
Yup, I been on
that floor.

Days in the cold.
Nights drippin sweat.
Emotionally withdrawn,
yeah I been in
that debt.
Black Friday - I've been up,
stood in line,
been denied.
Never mattered how I'd feel -
Always drove A Hard Deal.

I been left in the air,
I've been lost amongst
the stars.
Way out in
deep space.
Confronted strange beings,
tried to understand
their feelings.
Asking strangers
what up doe
chica?

Able to find
nothing.
No rhyme,
nor reason,
I packed up all my shit

"Yo, I'm outa here. I'm leavin!"

I couldn't understand
a word the natives were sayin.
But they were always real loud
and ain't look like they were playin.

Hopped back in
my spaceship. Ready to bounce.
but the thing is:
I'm lost in this place -
a lowly Martian
stuck on Venus.

I just wanted to get
home. Told the alien
"meet me halfway - we can find
common ground.
Somewhere between
my place &
yours."

Things not to do while drunk

i like teh list.

Bored drunkenness is a surefire way to inspire bloggery. All of the things on this list are events I've actually witnessed or personally done.

Let's have story time:

Things not to do while drunk:

1. Shave or cut your hair (. . . the infamous timmy pics. yeah. . .)
2. Shave or cut someone else's hair.
3. Modify your hard drive partitioning layout
4. Make jokes about ex to current
5. Try to fix plumbing
6. Fry anything
7. Consider rubbing alcohol as a suitable alternative after the Bacardi runs dry.
   

I wanna write blogs in this club

So it's my birthday. I'm at a titty bar. Alone. I'm sober right now, and want to document everything that happens; it may end up in hilarity, it may not.

10:30 - order a long island. Tell waittress it's my birthday, and ask what I could get for free. She says nothing. Ask her to have bartender at least make it strong. It is weak.

I've never been to a titty bar with such little titties. There is a Hooters swimsuit competition on the tv right now that's much more interesting. I'm leaning around a stripper to watch it.

10:36 - T-shirt yelling contest ensues. Manager comes out, says "loudest guy gets a T-SHIRT!" I remain silent. So does everyone else. I yell, win T-shirt.

10:43 - Usher - Love in this club comes on. I think about how itty bitty the titties are in this titty bar. Sing "I want to write blogs in this club," text to a few people.

10:50 - Manager sends me a free cherry bomb. Maybe the waitress told him it was my birthday. I recognize him from when he was a bouncer when I used to come here regularly a couple years ago. Then he was a bouncer at another (non-titty bar) I used to frequent, now he's the manager here. Cherry bomb = weakness.

10:58 - This ugly hoe comes up to me and says "I'ma take advantage of you." I cringe, but manage a pseudo-friendly smile and response. "How?" I ask. She replies, "I'ma put you between my legs." I say "Lemme have another few drinks first." She smiles and says "I'ma hold you to that!" I switch seats. Put glasses on, pull hat over eyes.

11:04 - T shirt yelling contest again. Stripper yells to me "YOU can GET it!!!" I show her the shirt that I've already won. Yell loudly. Win another t-shirt. Out of T-shirts, offer me a Santa doll. I accept.

11:11 - E40, Shawty Lo blow my limited buzz.

11:38 - Drink special again. Cherry Bombs/ Lemon Drops 2/$10. I order one of each. Tell the waitress to inform the bartender that I was offended by my last two drinks, and quit treatin me like a bitch; gimme somethin I can feel. Drinks come. Weak.

11:52 - Chic with huge boobs comes out. I get hopeful that the night might not be a total bust (no pun). She was kinda cute, nice figure, glow in the dark draws (which, in my opinion, is GENIUS in a titty bar; guys like shiny/ glowy things). She takes off her top (I realize it was an actual BRA, like a fuckin SUPPORT bra or some shit), and the girls drop out like big, floppy, donkey ears. She should keep those things covered; everything was fine till they flooded her waistline. Her titties reminded me of my grandma's, with less wrinkles. Be a waitress, or secretary...stripping isn't your calling. I want to tell her this.

Ready to leave, I mix my Cherry Bomb with my Lemon Drop in effort to make expedient exit.

12:11 - After Nickelback song (which I sing to the end), Bubba Spaxxx comes on. 

Nickelback + Bubba Sparxxx + old guys from Yesterday's = exit.

12:15 - THIS bitch...I wasn't paying any attention. I was actually watching the Pistons game on the screen behind her, when I realize she was licking the pole and making stroking motions with her hand - like it was a penis. If I ever opened my eyes and saw HER at the end of my boy, I'd karate chop it off just to get her off of me. I'm througly disgusted.

12:16 - Head towards the door. Birthday theme (MIA - Paper Planes) comes on. Sing "no one in La Chambre has birthday like me."

Fin.

Dream Log - 20 November 2008

Well, since I've been unemployed, I
1.) Have nowhere to take the bus,
2.) Sleep a lot more, and
3.) Drink a lot more.

All of these things, I believe, warranted a new set of entries: The Dream Log.

Let's start with this afternoon.

I dreamt this girl stole my speakers outta the trunk of my car and killed my family. I saw her at school today and grimmed the shit out of her.

I do not know her.

ATTENTION: MILFS, COUGARS, AND SUGAR MAMAS

So I was raking the leaves today and got a lil warm, so I took off my hoodie. Mind you, I've been working out lately so yeah...I'm kinda hot. This old lady drove by and blew the horn at me. I didn't know if she was just doing it to say "What a nice young man, raking leaves." or "YEEEEEAAAH BABY! WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED, COME RAKE THE SHIT OUTTA MY LAWN TOO ;-)" Either way, it made me wanna repost my sugar mama ad on Craigslist. Unfortunately, my ad falls under "Erotic Services," and there's now a charge for posting erotic ads...so I just put it under "Household Services."

Win = Me.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Helloooooooooo (rich and/or rich & old) Ladies,

Are you lonely?

Need someone to listen?

Would you like to pay my rent and tuition?

If the answer to at least the last of these three questions is yes, then I'm your guy! I'm 26 years old (but can look as young as 17 if you want me to shave). I have a great sense of humor, cute (I've been compared to the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee), and don't have any kids. If you prefer a guy with a baby, I have a 2 year old nephew who I can pretend is my son (he's adorable).

I'll come by, watch The Price is Right with you, go play your numbers, give you your insulin shot, do some laundry, read the newspaper, go to lunch, whatever. Let's have fun! No sex though...unless...well......how old are you? Nevermind...no sex. We can talk about sex though. Like how much sex we WOULD have if you were younger though, or about how GREAT I am at it...ya know...with YOUNGER, HOTTER women (I'm a stallion in the sack - you won't be disappointed with my stories).

So if you're open-minded, in need of attention, and wealthy, give me a holler - I'm free all day (just got laid off).

Looking forward to meeting you hot mamas!...(no pun intended)....(ok yes it was).

I'm serious, by the way.

The answer is YES!

Random Thoughts from the Day After

Woke up this morning feelin more confident than ever. I'm a pretty confident guy...borderline conceited at times, even.

But today was different.

My shit was off the meter. I found myself smiling from ear to ear AAAAAAALL day with my chin way up in the air. I felt like I had my own personal star-spangled soundtrack (note to self: sample Star-Spangled Banner (note to self 2: find out if you have to say "note to self" when typing note to self.)).

I had so much confidence, I felt like my dick grew a foot overnight. I think I stepped on it when I got outta bed.

I woke up this morning and bought this newspaper.



I woke up so confident this morning, I could understand the use of the word "swagger"...and I exuded it. I left a trail of swagger behind me all over the Chi. My swagger made Kanye's swagger kill itself by drowning in it's self-pity and feelings of inadequacy. F waitin till I get my money right...you can't tell me nothin right NOW!

I'ma iron my jeans and wear button-ups the rest of the week. Maybe even shave.

I realized shortly after I woke up that even a nigga like me, who refers to himself as "a nigga like me," COULD be President of the United States one day. And if the nation's future pans out like it COULD as a result of yesterday's election, this country might be something I'd actually take an interest in.

I looked in the mirror and felt an overwhelming swelling of pride. OK, I'm light-skinned...but I'm Black. My skin and has never been so beautiful to me as it was when I looked in the mirror today.

I wish I had a job.
I wish I had a job with white people.
I wish I had a job with white people who was on that McCain shit.

Listened to white politicians talk on the radio today. They made some REALLY good points. My favorite of which being that Black people are being selfish by claiming this as a "Black victory" instead of a victory for AMERICA! That is absolutely true. We're so quick to scream and shout racism at the whites, but when they attempt to share something on the same level as us, we shut them out.

We need a reevaluation of our mindset. Our way of thinking needs an overhaul. The way I understand it, the rest of the world does not differentiate between "African-Americans" and "Americans" - it's all the same. Why can't we see things like that???

I woke up this morning proud than a muthafucka.

Ways BET Could Ruin This

Let's hope, in this time of celebration, that our brothas and sistas over at BET will act right. I've compiled a short list of things for them to NOT do.

1.) Invite Uncle Luke to host "BET Presents: Barack's Booty Bash."

2.) Attribute the win in part to Jeezy, without whose controversial and outspoken lyrics ("my president is black, my lambo is blue, and i'll be goddamned if my rims aint too"), history would not have seen Barack Obama elected president today.

3.) Having any kind of party where a fight breaks out.

4.) Presenting Mr. Obama with the "Blackest Prez-o-dent" award at the 2009 BET Awards.


It's late and I'm sleepy. Feel free to add more. Let's just hope BET stays completely outta the way during this proud, momentous occasion.

S Dot wrote at 8:39am LMAO!!!!! this is on daily get right right? ill pump it a bit.

Jessica wrote at 8:55am BET needs to not mention this period! BET is one of the greatest attributors to the demise of the Black community. I feel dumber everytime I watch that network! Obama 08! Report - Delete

Lady Harris wrote at 9:02am BET is banned from any presidential events.....PERIOD. Report - Delete

Glennisha wrote at 9:16am LOL Report - Delete

Amyre wrote at 9:41am lmao Report - Delete

Marco wrote at 9:57am lmao at the BET presents Baraks Booty Bash. yeah BET needs to stay out of it definitely Report - Delete

S Dot wrote at 9:59am or BET presents "Presidential Rap Battle" MC Cain vs B-Rack Obama. Know who would win? Me. Report - Delete

Chris wrote at 10:20am Now that the Dems have the Senate and the House someone needs to push forward a bill that just bands BET all together. Report - Delete

Nic wrote at 11:15am That would be the worst,...BET presents "How Iam Livin: The First Black President," walk ing through the white house, Oval office, INTERVIEWER: So you mean to tell me that this the actual room where Billy Clint got sucked off by that fat bitch.Thats is incredible! Report - Delete

Jamal wrote at 11:26am For the first time in history t-shirts with a positive figure have outsold RIP Pookie shirts and shirts having anything to do with gettin money Report - Delete

J.J. wrote at 1:19pm Lmfao @ all comments Report - Delete

T wrote at 1:40pm ...but i wont front like that jeezy track aint been stuck in my head since 9 last night... Delete

Tate wrote at 1:41pm The 1st thing that I thought about last night was that episode of The Boondocks where MLK Jr. came back and that had that party for him that he couldn't even get into. It was classic "coonin" at it's best. So I can definitely see BET and/or some other big party promoter in DC throwing a party on inauguration night that has everybody but Obama. Example: "THE LEBRON JAMES/JESSE JACKSON/T.I. OFFICIAL INAUGURATION AFTERPARTY featuring MICHAEL JORDAN hosted by P DIDDY & CIROC & NEWPORT CIGARETTES" Report - Delete

Tate wrote at 1:45pm LOL @ Nic. "You seen cribs? That's how the f*ck I'm livin" And yeah Thomas the Jeezy track was stuck in my head from the time I woke up yesterday and cut on the news til I left from in front of the White House at like 3am last night, lol. Report - Delete

J.J. wrote at 2:25pm lmao @ tate. Report - Delete

Marco wrote at 2:41pm lmao @ tate even worse "Bob Johnson/Soulja Boy/Young Jeezy in association with Get Money Productions and Flippin Birds entertainment presents the Official Inaugaration afterparty hosted by DJ Khaled, T-Wayne and Hurricane Malt Liquor" the fucked up thing is you know damn well its gonna happen and it aint gonna be too much different from those titles. Report - Delete

Tate wrote at 3:03pm LMAO @ Marco! WE THE BEST!!! WHO?!? WE N*GGA!! WE GLOBAL NOW!! Report - Delete

Marco wrote at 3:10pm i know man i sorta secretly do want to hear Khaleds reaction to this presidency lol Report - Delete

Tate wrote at 3:17pm YOU!! Just for sh*ts and giggles I want to see what BET is going to do. It's like watching a bad accident. You don't wanna see it but you just can't turn away. But everybody knows they gonna roll something out with the new season of Kiesha Cole. They have to capitalize on this fast. LOL Report - Delete

Jennifer wrote at 9:10pm Lmao @ all these comments! And was I the only one singing the will.I.am joint? That jeezy bs had no place in my head lol. Report - Delete

DaNitra wrote at 10:01pm Tate is off the hook!!!! Report - Delete

History

Very rarely do we take the opportunity to sit and appreciate the magnitude of events which will later be viewed as turning points in the course of history. Today marks one of those days.

During the entire 2008 presidential campaign, I have done a pretty good job at examining the issues and all candidates objectively - difficult as it may have been to set aside my natural inclination to be ECSTATIC at the unique opportunity which currently presents itself.

The United States of America is less than 24 hours away from having its first Black President!

Some may say that it marks the culmination of the Black community's struggle for civil rights, which kicked into high gear just a few decades ago.

Some may be amazed that we've come so far in only a half-a-century, from the back of the bus, to leading (arguably) the most powerful nation in the world.

Others will say "It's been a long time coming!" and say that the universe is simply righting itself, as we are beginning the process of returning to the prominence which was robbed of our ancestors centuries ago. It's in our bloodline to be rulers. Black people in this country have come from the lowest of the lows, through the ranks, literally beaten and bruised at EVERY step along the way, to assume the post which we were preordained by to hold:

Kings.


How ironic, that it would be a King which prophesied about this...

Although this will be a monumental win, the struggle will not be over tomorrow. The racial tension surrounding this day has been so thick, that it's made even ME uncomfortable. It is undeniable that some people in this country simply do not want a Black man as their president. Even if, deep in their hearts, they know that he is the better man for the job, they will vote against him just for the simple fact that he is a Black man.

It is this type of person which makes me nervous about a victory. I will not even speak of why, but I am sure that it is a thought which has crossed every voter's mind at least once. If I feel the tension bearing down upon me this tough, I cannot even imagine what Mr. Obama feels right now. He has the weight of the universe on his shoulders, the expectations of history on his back, and Lord knows what on his mind. I feel that this is the perfect opportunity to show some unity as a nation, Black, White, and Everyone Else, and put him on OUR backs by showing our support.

History has already been written. No matter what happens from this point on, we have all been witnesses to considerable events in the course of the USA and of the world. This election has far-reaching implications, and will hopefully serve as motivation for a generation of downtrodden, misguided, and misunderstood minority youth.

Anyway, I just want everyone to step back and appreciate the magnitude of this day. I was overwhelmed by a swelling of pride yesterday...so much that I did not know how to express it. This is my attempt.

Tricking vs Tricking, While Having It

In recent years, a new philosophy has arisen. Stemming mostly from the hip-hop culture, this new train of thought looks to remove the tag of "john" from those who can pay for it. This not-so-new ideology is coming back with a renewed fervor, as ugly niggas who can't get a woman to like them start to get money.

For the next few moments, our subject is "It AIN'T trickin if I got it???"

Since the beginning of pussy, there have been losers willing to pay for it. Women, knowing what fools men (and some women) are, have been willing to exploit this for just as long. Especially in times like now, when economic conditions are rough, and she might need that Louis Vuitton purse...why NOT fuck Lil Wayne for a couple G's? Why NOT have 50's baby and collect exorbitant amounts of child support for 18 years? Why NOT blow Gary Coleman and....nevermind, bad example. You get the picture though.

Truthfully, I disagree. By the same reasoning as "it ain't trickin if you got it," then "it ain't homo if you don't swallow" or "it ain't murder if you rob em first." Completely illogical.

Trickin == trickin, whether or not you "have it." Just like "fuckin somebody in the ass" is gay whether it's male or female...(even if you were drunk, and she ASKED you to do it, and you only did it once...or twice...ok six times) it's still not acceptable.

I'm really curious as to how these assholes can justify indemnification of prostituation, just on the basis that they can AFFORD it. If YOU understand, please help ME the fuck out.

My opinion: It IS trickin....even if you got it. Fuckers.

Bus Log: 13 Oct 2008

Been kinda slippin on posting the bus logs. This is a compilation of the best of the last two weeks or so.

• The Human Punchline

At Northland in the morning, this guy walks up talkin on his phone really obnoxiously loud for no reason. First of all, it's 8 in the morning. STFU talkin so GOTdamn loud! Secondly, STFU! I just KNEW he had to be joking with his conversation. He was seriously like Walking Blaxploitation. I don't even think he was on the phone with anybody. I think he's just a fan of the Bus Logs and wanted to see if he could make it. Congratulations asshole, you did it! Here's some of his stupidity:


• "I don't play no games. Ion't even play PLAYSTATION, ya dig?"


• "I tell a bitch to jump off a tall bridge to a short curb, ya dig?"


• "I keep it mighty clean wit da gangsta LEAN, ya dig?"


• "I'm a skinny nigga, but I'm heavy.....ya dig?"



• Fly ass Midget

Same day, evening. This lil midget hobbles up to the bus on crutches. And I nearly pissed my pants thinking "How is he gonna climb up on this muthafucka???" I wanted to pick him up like my nephew like "there ya go lil man" and then steal his fly ass baby clothes. He had on a dope ass Rocawear jacket, some nice jeans, and a fitted. I didn't even know they MADE fitteds that small. He looked like Allen Iverson's evil mini-clone. (If he was really evil, I don't know. Just makes sense that midgets are evil...now I hope I don't have nightmares about evil midgets attacking my shins tonight)


• Unfit Mother

At the Fairlane bus stop. This young mother gets off the bus in the rain with her child in a stroller, uncovered. The child is getting rained on. This dumb bitch noticed a spot of dirt on her Prada galoshes, pulls out a bottle of water, and cleans her boots off BEFORE covering up her baby from the rain.


• Half-Hat Idiot

Same day, same stop - Fairlane. This fool gets off the bus in the cold and rain with his skull cap halfway on his head, so you can see his waves I guess. IT'S FUCKIN RAINING, DIPSHIT! What's the point of wearing a hat if it's not ON your head??? Maybe I'm just gettin old. WTF???


• Bluebraids

OK, now this shit REALLY had me trippin. First of all, it was like the first cold day of the fall, AND it was the day the hoe ass DDOT employees decided to stage their half-assed-not-quite-a-strike strike. So buses were RUNNING, but late and infrequent as hell. . . as the fuck usual.

Anyway, I had been standing on the corner of Grand River and Warren with idiot ass high schoolers for about an hour, when this broad comes walking up. SHE had half her head braided black and half braided......wait for it.....ELECTRIC FUCKING BLUE! I was beside myself. Seizing the opportunity, I picked up my phone, started the camera, and pretended to make a phone call. As I walked by her, repeatedly, I took pictures. Ion't wanna hear nobody like "Ay man, that's my COUSIN! Take that shit down!" Fuck dat. Tell THAT bitch get a real hairstyle. Enjoy.






• The Incompetent Stowaway

On the Grand River bus, morning. Everything seems normal. It's a pretty nice day outside, the bus is crowded, but not OVER-crowded. I'm reading my book. Everything is fine and dandy. Everything is going so well, I didn't realize that we were stopped on the side of the road for 5 minutes. I guess nobody else noticed either, until one nigga...


• One Nigga: AY BUS DRIVA! BUS DRIVA!!! WHAT WE STOPPED FO MAN?!
  Another: YEAH BUS DRIVA! WHAT WE STOPPED FO MAN?!
  ON: COME ON MAN WHY U HOLDIN US UP BABY?!
  Bus Driva: Ain't ME holdin yall up, it's YALL holdin yall up
  Everybody::Confused silence::
  ON:AWW COME ON BUS DRIVA BABY! WHATCHU MEAN WE HOLDIN US UP?! MAN I GOT MOVES TO MAKE BABY! ::wipes nose::
  BD: Yall need to talk to dude who refused to pay. I ain't movin till he get off this bus or pay his fare.
  Angry Mob ::collectively, sensing the opportunity for blood:: AW SHEIT! WHO IS IT BUS DRIVA?! TELL US WHO IT IS! WE'LL GET HIM OFF!! POINT HIM OUT!!
  BD: ::adjusts his mirror to see the bus::
  ON: Yeah let us know baby...We'll get his ass offa here!
  
  ...... suspense ......
  
  
  ...... suspense ......
  
  BD: ::points:: Him.
  ON: ME?!?! I PAID you man! ::goes to pay his fare:: Man why u ain't TELL me I ain't pay you, bus driva man?! I woulda PAID u mane!
  
  Aw man I laughed my ever-lovin ASS off AAAAALL the way downtown at this fool.
  
  



• Conspiring Bum

This wasn't actually on the bus, but outside Union Street Grill on Woodward, Monday night when I was approached by a druggy-looking woman with a clipboard.


• Druggy:
Askuse me surr, we iz tryyyyin ta bild a shelta fa battered womens. woudju giv....
Me: No.



I wouldn't have been so cold had the circumstances surrounding her story not been so....shady. First of all, it's about 10pm, raining, and she was OBVIOUSLY a [insert drug of choice here]-head. Who the hell collects for any organization at 10pm in the rain outside a restaurant??? This woman found a clipboard and a pen, and thought she had hit a MAD lick. That clipboard was gon be her tool to prosperity!

...idiot...

Reprogramming Our Youth

More gun violence in the city. The perpetrators and victims are KIDS! What the fuck is WRONG in this society??? I am really at a loss for words when I see incidents like this because it's just mind-boggling how short-sighted, ignorant, and hopeless these children are today.

I want to at least TRY to help.

I want to sit down and really talk to some of these young people and find out why they're so troubled. Maybe I can show them that there is another way besides what they hear in the ignorant rap music.

I saw a young guy walking down the street the other day with his pants sagging, and wanted to ask him "why? What the fuck is the POINT in showing us your butt? Is it to attract girls? Is it to attract GUYS?" I don't know, but the shit just looks STUPID! I did it one time, in the third grade (they were also backwards, but that's neither here nor there) and my ol dude embarrassed the shit outta me in front of a buncha my friends. After that, I never had the desire to wear my pants like that again.

Anyway, I want to start a group within the City of Detroit which focuses on changing the mindset that young Black men have to be thugs in order to be respected. They need to know that there are other avenues available to them. As well, then need to be given a means to reach them. They need to know that a gun is NEVER an acceptable option for conflict resolution. It really is time for this cycle of ignorance to stop perpetuating itself in the Black community. We need to come together, and be just that - a commUNITY!

I have no idea how to go about doing this, which is why I'm calling on whomever is interested in brainstorming to get this idea off the ground. Get at me tomdabomb2u@gmail.com. I'm really ready to do this.

Peace.

Mondays. . .

OK. So I'm sitting in the lounge at school with a buncha folk. At this point, I'm used to being the only Black guy in the room at LTU. We're all joking and having a good time, when one of them says "I hate Mondays..." and all of them start crackin up. I found it a little weird, being that it was Tuesday, but I paid it no attention. Then they kept talking about it. One of them said "Urban Dictionary has a definition - 'a word that can be used to describe a black person without insulting them with them knowing.' hahahaha"

I looked up and said "WHAT?!"



And everybody got quiet. . .


So I looked it up, and sure enough. . . Monday. One friend of mine said "Kill them. NOW!" . . . . after strong consideration, I decided to just leave. But I can't say it didn't bother the shit outta me.

I HATE to generalize a whole race by saying "white people are racist, and not to be trusted" but they keep proving the shit RIGHT! Shit like this makes me wonder how my white friends talk about me when I'm not around.

The more I think about it, the more upset I get, and the more heads I wanna crack (figuratively?)




. . . . now tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I understand Love Lockdown!

OK. . . so I NEVER been one for the funny voice shit, but Kanye makes me hate it just enough to make it lovable! When I first heard Love Lockdown, I pictured a disheveled Kanye West alone in a studio - bloodshot eyes, unshaven, collar up on an expensive ass button-up with a blazer, beating out notes on a keyboard, singing drunken randomness about shit nobody cared about. . . .

. . . then i started drinking . . .

And magically, everything made sense!

And I heard this version.

I've BEEN where Kanye is! Some dumb broad thinks she IS what she AIN'T! And he's TOLD her she AIN'T what she THINK she is cuz somebody ELSE is that, but SHE don't wanna hear it! It's kinda like tryina explain somethin to somebody, but not knowing the words, so it just comes out like "Whenever the time might be, we together might make the most of whatever it is that is the utmost of the almost might have been of whatever we thought was, but never came to actuality. And even though for the furtherance of the cause might justify the opposite, we could even not try the distant alternative." Make sense??? NO!!!! Just like Love Lockdown doesn't make sense! Just gotta FEEL it! When you listen to it DRUNK and OPEN-MINDED, it's GINEUS!!!

As for me, I'M DEFINITELY keeping MY love on lockdown from NOW ON!!!


-----
EDIT - It is now the next day. I am sober, and no longer understand Love Lockdown. Ay, Dios mio! :-(

Bus Log: Tue 07 Oct 2008 - Return to HP

Taking McNichols to Woodward today instead of Grand River straight down. This route takes me directly through the heart of Highland Park, or as I like to call it, "The Land of WTF???"

Not much activity on the 6 Mile bus, but when I transferred onto Woodward, I made the decision to not get on the DDOT, but I opted to wait for a Smart.

And the ignorance ensued shortly thereafter. . .

I walked to my seat near the back of the bus, and there's this old man sitting dead center in the back, taking up 3 of the 5 seats. He's not big, just got his legs spread wide open, so no one can sit to his immediate left or right. There are people in both corners though, a woman on the left and a guy on the right. Old guy is wearing a button-up that looks like an old No-Limit album cover. It's bright orange, rayon and has a New York Interstate sign and a naked woman on it.

He's already talking

Ugly Shirt: . . .jumped out, SHOT THAT MUTHAFUCKA WITTA 38!
Woman to Left: Fo REAL?
US: YOU ever shot a chicken before???
W: Nah.
Man to Right: I ain't neva SHOT one, but I sho do kill a Church's Tuesday Special!

...during this time, I'm struggling to keep up, typing shorthand all that I can in my phone. People HAVE to realize that I'm taking notes on them when they're doin this crazy shit.

US: Sheeit, if I get hungry enough, I'll eat HER! ::points to Woman to Left::
WL: ::unamused, with alarmed look in her eyes, turns to ignore him::
US: Yep, if I was starvin, I'd start wit them two lil fingers, pop em in my mouth and eat em! How bout u man? Whassisname. . . DAHMER did it! And she a beautiful guh too!

LMAO WTF does being beautiful have to do with eating (non-sexually, of course) a person alive??? Do beautiful people taste better??

US: Sheeit, man my daddy from Alabama, and my mama from Arkansas - I can eat a raw steak! Uon't believe me do u? Man if I put some salt and pepper on it, some seasonin salt, Iont even need no stove!
MR: So you eat raw meat?
US: Well not a WHOOOOLE lot, but I can DO it.
MR: You like vegetables too?
US: Yeah I like em. But BLOOD keep us alive! If u run out, how long u think u'll be here???
MR: So you would never be a vegetarian huh?
US: ::looked like his feelings were hurt:: NAW! Man I'm a MEAT man!! Man they tell u shit bad for u and it really don't be! Lookit bottled water. Shit, man u take some water out the faucet, put it in the fij-a-rater, whatchu got?? Bottled water.
Me: ::taking a sip of my bottled water, hoping to catch his attention::
US: Looka here - aaawwls u gotta do, go out the country, dig a hole, u got good water! HERE, u gon find a skeleton! And if u got a choice, u gon live or die???

Other highlights

• Gray Tufts
  This lady is on the bus with thinning, VERY gray hair. . . with jet black braided ponytail extensions.



• Hood President
  Some idiot wrote "Jon MacCaine - 7 Mile President." ....gotta admit, this asshole is kinda creative.

Lessons I've Learned the Hard Way

• 1.) Curious people should not iron naked.


• 2.) Re: #1 - Nipples DO scab


• 3.) Cialis is not for young men. You will murder someone
  (. . .from what I hear. . .)


• 4.) That warning label on the bottle of 151 is not for decoration - it IS actually flammable. . . . . VERY flammable, in fact.


• 5.) Air spray does not kill bees, only angers them.


• 6.) If you know there are centipedes where you sleep, do not do a Google Image search on centipedes before going to bed.


• 7.) You cannot cook the "spoil" out of meat. If it smells bad BEFORE you cook it, abort the mission - eat a bowl of cereal instead.


• 8.) Red Bull on an empty stomach makes your (my) balls hurt for some reason.

I hope someone finds this knowledge useful and avoids some of the situations I've had to face.

Godspeed.

Bus Log: Mon 29 Sep 2008

Monday.

Bus was kinda crowded, this guy gets on and clambers his way to the back. Not drunk, just big and clumsy. He was very dark, but I think more of it was dirt than pigment. . . . but I don't think he was a bum. Right behind him, but not with him were these two girls. One looked like a female Rerun from What's Happening (we'll call her She-run), the other was just a generic, garden-variety hood rat (um.....wtf - Ghettonya).

These three would provide the entertainment for today's bus ride.

From the time they got situated, Dirt is tryin to talk to She-Run and Ghettonya.

D: Yeah baby u see that car over there? I could buy you one-a-dem.
S & G: ::giggling:: fa real? Where yours at?

They were playfully flirting with each other. . . disgusting the shit outta me. There's nothing more unsettling than to witness ugly people flirting.

S: So what u do? How u make yo money baby?
D: Oh I own a restaurant baby.
G: A RESTAURANT?! You got roaches?
D: Yop. Rats too. I fry DEM muhfuckas. Put some hot sauce on em, throw em between some bread - gotchu a rat sammich.
G: Oh, so you'll eat ANYTHING huh?
D: Nah, not ANYTHING, baby ;-)
(Insinuating he wouldn't eat no COOCHIE, but he'd eat a rat - I don't get that. . . but whatever)

D: ::lights a MUTHAFUCKIN cigarette::
S & G: UH UUH! u gotta put that OUT!
G: ::looks to me:: Sir, can you open that window? He stank! What you readin? You go to school? Where you go?
Me: ::dryly:: Lawrence Tech
S: Oooh! I know where dat is! Lookit u botherin dis smart man readin his book!

I just realized that I'm becoming increasingly efficient at ignoring people. I think they mighta said more to or about me at this point, but I was really trying to understand Master-Slave and Edge-Triggered D Flip-Flops. So I wasn't TRYING to be rude, I just didn't give a fuck whether or not I was.

...... Later in the ride ......
Ghettonya pulls out her Metro PieCe of Shit cell phone and plays THE most ignant shit this side of Too $hort that this world has ever heard. . . LOUD and proud.

The bus is transformed into the club. These fuckas are dancing by the back door, singin the lyrics loud as hell and just engaging in general cooniggardry.

There were even some celebrities in attendance. Rip "MC Eiht" Hamilton and Raheem Soulchild turn around and get involved. Don't know what they said, but they looked just like their names imply.

The disgusting ugly people flirtfest continued, and Ghettonya and She-Run really seemed to be amused by DirtStank's antics.

D: ::to Ghettonya:: Girl, I'd. . . ::whispers something in her ear while swaying his head from side to side::
G: ::snaps back:: Aww HEELLL naw! ::giggles:: you bouta make me go back ta JAIL for the 5th time!
D: Fa real baby. And I told u I got 3 cars! You my woman! I'ma take care of u!
G: Could I drive yo car if I'm yo woman?
D: Hell yeah!

I stopped listening again, then DirtStank got off the bus and Ghettonya and She-Run started talkin to MC Eiht Hamilton and Raheem Soulchild.

Legally Palin/ Joker McCain

Time for some good ol' conspiracy theories. . . here's a couple just to keep you wondering.

• The Republicans are trying to throw this election on purpose. They realize that they messed up, and want to let the Democrats fix their mess. They can't publicly roll over, so they at least pretend to put up a fight.
  
  Seriously, take a look at their candidates: If elected, John McCain WILL die before his first term is over. When that happens, we'd have WHO as the Commander in Chief??? You guessed it, Jenna Jameson's alter ego: Sarah Palin. I could see this shit play out like "Legally Blonde 3: Paint the White House Pink. . . TOTALLY!"
  
  
  
  
  International relations would be much lower than they are now. She'd alienate us from Mexico by trying to hire the entire country as our Official Drywallers and Landscapers. She'd accuse every African nation of reckless eyeballing, and France (probably justifiably so) of sexual harassment. She'd continually smack our little brother Canada in the back of the head when he tries to offer us some sensible advice. Eventually she would call for separation from little brother. either by physically cutting the border and pushing him away, or building a 20-foot thick wall along the entire US/ Canadian border. . . . By then, I'll be mayor of Detroit, runnin these cold streets from Windsor. Text me if you need me.
  
  What up Kwame?!


John McCain is the Joker

• He just wears makeup to cover his scars.

Bus Log: Tue 23 Sep 2008

• AIDS Man
  This guy gets on the bus, and the first thing I thought was "This guy has AIDS." Don't know what it is exactly that makes someone LOOK AIDSly, but he had it. Dude was tall, skinny, with light brown badly permed hair, pinned up in a hairnet, wearing a formerly black or dark gray hoodie, which had been bleached. He sits down directly in front of me (making me scared to breathe actually), and I noticed his hairline was like 6" above his collar and he was carrying a GameWorks bag, which I assumed was full of AIDS medicine or drug paraphernalia. . . I guess it could have been video games too, but I doubt it.



• This lady who looked just like Rosa Parks got on the bus. . . and sat BEHIND me. Ironic???



• Random building of the day
  Maceo's Croquettes and Dairy Bar (no lie. Grand River just north/west of Hubbell)



• Disgruntled Drunkard
  So I'm sitting there, looking out the window, when I hear some angry, drunken, profane mutterings, "I'll kick yo ass!." I look back and see this guy SPRAWLED out across the entire back seat. Drunk as hell. I immediately pulled out my phone and started taking notes. A lady got on the bus with her small child and walked towards the back. I guess I COULDA warned her, and given up my seat, but where's the fun in that? So I just watched. Her face went from unsuspecting smile, to disgustingly frightened. She sat her child next to Rosa Parks and moved away from Drunken Madness. Meanwhile, I'm holding back tears because of the burst of laughter threatening to erupt. I was the ONLIEST muthaf'a on that bus who thought it was HILARIOUS! Everybody else looked concerned, or scared, or otherwise unamused. Here is a partial list of his mutterings.
  
  
  • "I'm like Stevie Wonder - I'll kick yo ass!"
  
  
  • "I'ma kick ALL yall asses!"
  
  
  • "I'ma kick HIS ass!"
  
  
  • "Somebody gon SUFFA!"
  
  
  • Singing random songs. He even did a count off (1, 2, 1-2-3-4!)
  
  
  • "I don't like Murray Wright!" as we passed Murray Wright High School
  
  
  
  And as he exited the bus, I saw his hands, and at first, it looked like he was wearing latex gloves. Turns out he was just ashy as hell. He basically falls off the bus, angrily, then turns back to the bus, with a friendly smile, waves goodbye, and stumbles to the liquor store.
  
  I want him to ride my bus every day. No hobo.

Bus Log: Wed 21 August 2008 - Thu 22 August 2008

Not very much lately.
Wednesday 21 August 2008

• Got on the bus later than usual today. Should've known the crazies would be out. I'm sitting there with my headphones on when this lady gets on the bus and sits right in front of me. She turns around, looks me in the face, and starts mouthing something. Naturally, I turn my headphones up louder and look out the window. She continues so I say "excuse me?" This broad responds surprised "OH! I wasn't talkin to you. I was just sayin 'Jesus' over and over again. Is your name Jesus?! Sometimes you just gotta say 'Jesus.'"
  
  Over and over again while staring a nigga in the face huh? I knew I shouldn't have acknowledged her; she talked to me for a good five minutes, which seemed like a blistering fucking eternity of nonsensical shit that I did NOT want to hear. She asked was I married.
  "No." I replied.
  "You got a girlfriend?" she asked.
  "Yes."
  "You gon marry her??? How old are you? How old is she?"
  "Probably. I'm 25. She's 26," I said dryly.
  "AND YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE READY TO GET MARRIED?!"
  
  From this point on, I don't know wtf she was talking about. I turned my headphones up again and just nodded every once in a while. Next time I saw her (15 minutes later) she was crying.


Thursday 22 August 2008: Bebe and Her Kids - Woodward/ 8 Mile

• Got to the bus stop this morning and there was a lady with 3 little boys, dirty as hell at 9 in the morning. I'm guessing 10, 8, and 4 years old. At first, she was talking to the oldest one.
  
  Bebe: Well if you need 24 of em and 8 come in a pack, how many packs you need? That's. . . . . . at least 5 right?
  10: I think that's 3 mama.
  Me: ::realizing this is going to be an interesting wait, turn down my headphones::
  
  While this is going on, 8 and 4 are play-fighting. . . . INTENSELY. Matter of fact, f playin; them lil niggas was FIGHTIN! 8 has a big, heavy branch, sharp on one end, hitting 4 with it. 4 counters by punching 8 in the head.
  
  Bebe: JOSH STOP!
  Josh: Hits 4 with the stick again
  4: Slaps Josh in the face, runs in a circle, falls in the dirt, laughing, continues running in circles around Josh.
  Josh: Hits 4 with the stick again
  Bebe: JOSH STOP!
  4: Punches Josh, hides behind me.
  Josh: Starts climbing the fence to the cemetery.
  4: Pulls Josh off the fence
  Bebe: JOSH STOP!
  Josh: Jumps off the fence, turns the sharp end of the stick to 4 and pretends (dangerously close) to stab 4 in the head and face with the stick
  4: Grabs Josh's shirt and pulls him, while Josh is still doing the dangerous stab motion towards his face.
  Bebe: JOSH STOP!
  Josh: ::stops:: I was stabbin him mommy
  
  I just KNEW I was gon see some ghetto-baby blood that day. Glad I didn't though.

Bus Log: Wed 14 Aug 2008 - Evening

Yeah. . . I thought it'd be a while before I could write another one. . . Northland proved me wrong.

The Northland Stop

• Mr. Detroit
  I see this clown like every day. And when I say clown, I mean it. This guy epitomizes "The Detroit Look" that I so despise. Dude looks like Fabolous, but skinnier, and with a more clueless look in his eye. I've seen this fool wear:
  
  
  • A fuschia (#FF00FF) fitted with a periwinkle (#CCCCFF) D, perinkle polo, with AF1s to match
  
  
  • A lavender D fitted, lavender button up, lavender watch face, and lavender shoes
  
  
  • Pink, orange, black D fitted, matching polo, jeans, etc. . . u get the picture
  
  
  
• 80s Boy
  I swear I thought this guy was joking. I saw him get off the bus and at first just thought he had an S-curl. . . . upon further observation, realized m'man had a full-out JHERI curl. And dude was like 16. That might be acceptable for someone in their 40s+, who used to wear it when they were acceptable, and just don't wanna let go. At 16, you were born AFTER they weren't cool anymore, and therefore should know better. . . and it ain't even look good - it was like too long to S, not long enough to Jheri.
  
  Sidebar: I think it's HILARIOUS that a picture of young Michael Jackson pops up when I Google "jheri curl."



• Random Pack of Losers
  OK. These 3 guys walked up to the bus stop, walked through the crowd, and went and stood off to the side. A few girls walked up, these niggas lost their minds! "FUCK!. . . . . SHIT!. . . . . . DAMN!" just yellin loud as hell for the girls to hear em. Three hood lookin ass girls, WITH babies! The leader of The Ignorances struts over, says somethin, pulls out his phone and motions like he tryina ask for her number. LMAO! he never typed nothin though.
  
  Ladies, is shouting profanity at you taken as a compliment?! Lemme know.



• Everest students
  Nothing against Everest. I'm not sure if Everest is an actual school. I think they just dress up in scrubs that say Everest Institute and hang out at Northland bus stop all day. . . . sayin dumb shit.
  
  Example:
  Everest Student 1:Ay nigga when the last time u seen that nigga Joe nigga?
  
  Everest Student 2:Shit nigga, been prolly since high school nigga.
  
  ES1:Nigga i just seent that nigga the other day. That nigga a artist nigga now nigga. Paintin niggas & shit.
  Nigga what about Tanya? U remember her, nigga? Nigga she a MODEL now nigga. Funny that bitch was a ugly ass nigga in high school. Now nigga i wanna bone bad as hell, nigga. Nigga I seen her on "The Book" the other day nigga, lookin bad as HEEEELL nigga!
  
  ES2: "The Book?"
  
  ES1: Facebook, nigga.



• That mysterious weed smell
  
  • That mysterious weed smell
  
  
  • Broad daylight
  
  
  • Does not dissipate

I'm sure there's more. I'll update as I think of it.

Bus Log: Wed 13 August 2008 - Morning

13 August 2008 - 7:13 a.m

There were two guys at the bus stop when I got there this morning. One looked like a light brown-skinned Bald Bull (Mike Tyson's Punchout),









and the other was like a. . . . well, just an old hood rat. Let's call him Rodney.



















I arrived, and nothing was off-kilter for a while. "Good morning," I said. They both replied "Hey man, good morning brotha." That was about the most normal thing they said.

• Random outburst of the morning 1
  Old Hood Rat Rodney: What bus you waitin on man?
  
  Me: The 740 or the 405. Whichever comes first.
  
  Black Bald Bull: ::explodes:: MAN I HATE THAT MUTHAFUCKIN BUS! MY MUTHAFUCKIN WIFE BE ON THAT MUTHAFUCKA!
  
  Me: ::thinking:: "aw sheit"



• Random outburst of the morning 2
  OHRR: (to BBB) Where u get on?
  
  BBB: The Pines, right down the street
  
  OHRR: ::explodes:: MAN I WAS BOUTA MOVE IN THER BUT THEM MUTHAFUCKAS TURNED ME DOWN! HAD MY MUTHAFUCKIN CREDIT CHECK N EVERYTHANG! BUT SOON AS I WAS BOUTA MOVE IN THEY SAID I COULDN'T. FUCK EM!


From this point on, it just gets more ignoranter. . . .


• On Child Support
  Apparently, every black man with children in and around the City of Detroit owes child support.
  
  BBB: Man if you owe like less than $5,000, they won't even come after you. But I owe bout $10 G's!
  
  OHRR: Yeah I owe like $25 G's!
  
  BBB: Yeah I owe like $100 G's!
  
  Me: :-\



• On Prison
  BBB: Man I LOVE Dickerson Correctional Facility. If u get 45 days, they usually cut that shit to like 20. . . sometimes u might not even stay the NIGHT. If u ain't kill nobody, or did nothin too scantless, they might let you out that same night.
  
  OHRR: Yup, that's the one my son was locked up at.
  
  BBB: AND they got bitches!
  
  OHRR: ::really interested:: THEY LET YALL SEE THE WOMEN?!
  
  BBB: Naw, but all the COs is BITCHES! It was this one bitch in there just TRYYYYINA give me da pussy. I said 'Miss Kendall when u gon lemme get dat pussy?' She said 'Boy you crazy.'
  
  Me: . . . .


• On Technology
  BBB: ::texting:: Man I hate this text shit. But the bitches like it so I had to learn. I figger if THEY like it, I can learn that shit.
  
  OHRR: Yeah, keep that stable in line. (Mighta been a pun, cuz BBB told us that he cleans the horse stables for the police horses).
  But yeah my son paralyzed from the waist down be on that laaabtop. He come up to me tellin me put this tape in fa da naked ladies! I said 'Boy u can do ANYTHING on that computa!'
  
  Me: ::Fighting the urge to show them that they can also pull up porn on their cell phones::
  
  
• On dating
  BBB: Mosta the bitches I fucked wit was offa the bus! I fucked this white bitch in the bushes once. I just bought her a lil t-shirt from my job and she was wit it! Bangin her lil white ass in the bushes at Rouge Park!
  
  (At this point, I decided to get in on the action, for the sake of writing this)
  
  Me: Yeah I used to take the 6 mile bus home from high school. It was this one bad bitch I used to see EEEERRY day! So one day I sit next to her and start talkin to her. Next thing I know, I'm FINGERIN the bitch! ON the bus! I did that every day for a week, then was like 'you should come on down to my stop today.' She did. I fucked the shit outta her. From that day on, I just caught a different bus home!
  
  OHRR: Daaaaamn!
  
  BBB: YEAH! Tha's how u gotta DO these bitches! But the thang wit most black bitches is they all tryina get PAID! And yeah I ain't gon lie, I'll spend a lil bit on a bitch. Bitch be like 'Fitteen hunned' fa da pussy, I'll spend it just to fuck her lil bad ass and get her out my face.
  
  Me: Yeah!



• On The Weather
  Old Hood Rat Rodney tried to convince me that it hasn't rained that much this summer.
  
  OHRR: Man it's been really nice this year.
  
  Me: Yeah, but it rained a lot.
  
  OHRR: Naw it ain't rained THAT much.
  
  Me: Man it's rained like twice a week all summer.
  
  OHRR: Naw, it ain't rained that much.
  
  Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure we've had record rainfall this summer.
  
  OHRR: OK, I see what u mean. It ain't rain that MUCH, but when it DID rain, it was a lot.
  
  Me: OK.


............................

Bus pulls up.
BBB: This that fat ass bitch I bet. She ALWAYS late. Yop that's her fat ass.

We got on the bus and sat in 3 different spots. I was SO glad to not have to listen to their dumbassedness any longer.

A few stops later. . .

BBB: BACK DOE!. . . . . ::mutters under breath:: fat muthafucka!

No lie. I almost lost it.

Crazy Shit I See On The Bus (08 Aug 2008)

So, the past couple of weeks I've been taking the bus to work. This ride includes a ride down Woodward from 12 Mile to Downtown Detroit. During these couple of weeks, I have been reminded of why I used to keep a bus journal of the shit I used to see when I used to catch it before. If I can find it, I'll post those too.

What follows are the most interesting things I've learned/ observed over the past couple of weeks.

Lessons learned:

• Albanians invented the Earth




• This was written on the bus stop bench (12 Mile/ Woodward):
  "The tears of the innocent shall spill forth and engulf the wicked."
  
  then someone else wrote:
  
  "Reality means you live until you die. The real truth is no one wants reality."
  
  To which Victor replied:
  
  "Bro,
  
  A million years ago when Albania invented the Earth bro, we didn't need people like you, bro.
  
  -Victor"
  




• Highland Park is the Nigga/ Crackhead Factory




• Everybody in HP looks like they harbor utter disdain, disregard, or pure hate for every other human. Those are some rough looking people. I'm not exaggerating, EVERY person I see in HP without fail looks like murder doesn't bother them - toddlers to senior citizens, them niggas look rough.
  
  
• I saw a chic today with a SHOOOOORT skirt on, revealing a stab wound on her upper inner thigh. Tasty :-\



• There is a crackhead that gets on at 6 Mile/ Woodward. He wears the same nasty ass shirt and pants every day. However, I've seen him in AT LEAST 4 different CLEAN pairs of Jordans over the past two weeks. . . with that same ass FUBU jersey and dirty ass church slacks. Getcha priorities straight, my G.


• (If you live in HP and have a problem with this, please do not murder me)

Observations

• Niggas inherently hate the bus driver


• "BACK DOE MUTHAFUCKA!" is heard very often on the crowded Woodward Bus. Not like the bus driver is intentionally tryina keep you, Mr. Nigga; he just didn't see you.


• If someone looks like they stink, they stink. I decided to be nice and let this guy sit in the seat next to me. Unfortunately, he smelled like applesauce and shit. Of course, I was in a seat without access to an open window, so I just had to deal with it for bout a half hour.


• Prostitution on Woodward has long been a joke in Detroit. It is true.


• I saw this guy wearing a Cartier glasses, a fuzzy Kangol over a doo-rag, with a corduroy jacket and tearaway pants on. Reppin "tha D."