10:30 - order a long island. Tell waittress it's my birthday, and ask what I could get for free. She says nothing. Ask her to have bartender at least make it strong. It is weak.
I've never been to a titty bar with such little titties. There is a Hooters swimsuit competition on the tv right now that's much more interesting. I'm leaning around a stripper to watch it.
10:36 - T-shirt yelling contest ensues. Manager comes out, says "loudest guy gets a T-SHIRT!" I remain silent. So does everyone else. I yell, win T-shirt.
10:43 - Usher - Love in this club comes on. I think about how itty bitty the titties are in this titty bar. Sing "I want to write blogs in this club," text to a few people.
10:50 - Manager sends me a free cherry bomb. Maybe the waitress told him it was my birthday. I recognize him from when he was a bouncer when I used to come here regularly a couple years ago. Then he was a bouncer at another (non-titty bar) I used to frequent, now he's the manager here. Cherry bomb = weakness.
10:58 - This ugly hoe comes up to me and says "I'ma take advantage of you." I cringe, but manage a pseudo-friendly smile and response. "How?" I ask. She replies, "I'ma put you between my legs." I say "Lemme have another few drinks first." She smiles and says "I'ma hold you to that!" I switch seats. Put glasses on, pull hat over eyes.
11:04 - T shirt yelling contest again. Stripper yells to me "YOU can GET it!!!" I show her the shirt that I've already won. Yell loudly. Win another t-shirt. Out of T-shirts, offer me a Santa doll. I accept.
11:11 - E40, Shawty Lo blow my limited buzz.
11:38 - Drink special again. Cherry Bombs/ Lemon Drops 2/$10. I order one of each. Tell the waitress to inform the bartender that I was offended by my last two drinks, and quit treatin me like a bitch; gimme somethin I can feel. Drinks come. Weak.
11:52 - Chic with huge boobs comes out. I get hopeful that the night might not be a total bust (no pun). She was kinda cute, nice figure, glow in the dark draws (which, in my opinion, is GENIUS in a titty bar; guys like shiny/ glowy things). She takes off her top (I realize it was an actual BRA, like a fuckin SUPPORT bra or some shit), and the girls drop out like big, floppy, donkey ears. She should keep those things covered; everything was fine till they flooded her waistline. Her titties reminded me of my grandma's, with less wrinkles. Be a waitress, or secretary...stripping isn't your calling. I want to tell her this.
Ready to leave, I mix my Cherry Bomb with my Lemon Drop in effort to make expedient exit.
12:11 - After Nickelback song (which I sing to the end), Bubba Spaxxx comes on.
Nickelback + Bubba Sparxxx + old guys from Yesterday's = exit.
12:15 - THIS bitch...I wasn't paying any attention. I was actually watching the Pistons game on the screen behind her, when I realize she was licking the pole and making stroking motions with her hand - like it was a penis. If I ever opened my eyes and saw HER at the end of my boy, I'd karate chop it off just to get her off of me. I'm througly disgusted.
12:16 - Head towards the door. Birthday theme (MIA - Paper Planes) comes on. Sing "no one in La Chambre has birthday like me."
Fin.
4 comments:
hilarity
comedy at its best.
lmao
LOL, why didn't you tell me this story when I saw you. It would've been that much funnier live and in person. I need to follow you around with a tv camera.
Post a Comment