I wanna write blogs in this club

So it's my birthday. I'm at a titty bar. Alone. I'm sober right now, and want to document everything that happens; it may end up in hilarity, it may not.

10:30 - order a long island. Tell waittress it's my birthday, and ask what I could get for free. She says nothing. Ask her to have bartender at least make it strong. It is weak.

I've never been to a titty bar with such little titties. There is a Hooters swimsuit competition on the tv right now that's much more interesting. I'm leaning around a stripper to watch it.

10:36 - T-shirt yelling contest ensues. Manager comes out, says "loudest guy gets a T-SHIRT!" I remain silent. So does everyone else. I yell, win T-shirt.

10:43 - Usher - Love in this club comes on. I think about how itty bitty the titties are in this titty bar. Sing "I want to write blogs in this club," text to a few people.

10:50 - Manager sends me a free cherry bomb. Maybe the waitress told him it was my birthday. I recognize him from when he was a bouncer when I used to come here regularly a couple years ago. Then he was a bouncer at another (non-titty bar) I used to frequent, now he's the manager here. Cherry bomb = weakness.

10:58 - This ugly hoe comes up to me and says "I'ma take advantage of you." I cringe, but manage a pseudo-friendly smile and response. "How?" I ask. She replies, "I'ma put you between my legs." I say "Lemme have another few drinks first." She smiles and says "I'ma hold you to that!" I switch seats. Put glasses on, pull hat over eyes.

11:04 - T shirt yelling contest again. Stripper yells to me "YOU can GET it!!!" I show her the shirt that I've already won. Yell loudly. Win another t-shirt. Out of T-shirts, offer me a Santa doll. I accept.

11:11 - E40, Shawty Lo blow my limited buzz.

11:38 - Drink special again. Cherry Bombs/ Lemon Drops 2/$10. I order one of each. Tell the waitress to inform the bartender that I was offended by my last two drinks, and quit treatin me like a bitch; gimme somethin I can feel. Drinks come. Weak.

11:52 - Chic with huge boobs comes out. I get hopeful that the night might not be a total bust (no pun). She was kinda cute, nice figure, glow in the dark draws (which, in my opinion, is GENIUS in a titty bar; guys like shiny/ glowy things). She takes off her top (I realize it was an actual BRA, like a fuckin SUPPORT bra or some shit), and the girls drop out like big, floppy, donkey ears. She should keep those things covered; everything was fine till they flooded her waistline. Her titties reminded me of my grandma's, with less wrinkles. Be a waitress, or secretary...stripping isn't your calling. I want to tell her this.

Ready to leave, I mix my Cherry Bomb with my Lemon Drop in effort to make expedient exit.

12:11 - After Nickelback song (which I sing to the end), Bubba Spaxxx comes on. 

Nickelback + Bubba Sparxxx + old guys from Yesterday's = exit.

12:15 - THIS bitch...I wasn't paying any attention. I was actually watching the Pistons game on the screen behind her, when I realize she was licking the pole and making stroking motions with her hand - like it was a penis. If I ever opened my eyes and saw HER at the end of my boy, I'd karate chop it off just to get her off of me. I'm througly disgusted.

12:16 - Head towards the door. Birthday theme (MIA - Paper Planes) comes on. Sing "no one in La Chambre has birthday like me."

Fin.

Dream Log - 20 November 2008

Well, since I've been unemployed, I
1.) Have nowhere to take the bus,
2.) Sleep a lot more, and
3.) Drink a lot more.

All of these things, I believe, warranted a new set of entries: The Dream Log.

Let's start with this afternoon.

I dreamt this girl stole my speakers outta the trunk of my car and killed my family. I saw her at school today and grimmed the shit out of her.

I do not know her.

ATTENTION: MILFS, COUGARS, AND SUGAR MAMAS

So I was raking the leaves today and got a lil warm, so I took off my hoodie. Mind you, I've been working out lately so yeah...I'm kinda hot. This old lady drove by and blew the horn at me. I didn't know if she was just doing it to say "What a nice young man, raking leaves." or "YEEEEEAAAH BABY! WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED, COME RAKE THE SHIT OUTTA MY LAWN TOO ;-)" Either way, it made me wanna repost my sugar mama ad on Craigslist. Unfortunately, my ad falls under "Erotic Services," and there's now a charge for posting erotic ads...so I just put it under "Household Services."

Win = Me.


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Helloooooooooo (rich and/or rich & old) Ladies,

Are you lonely?

Need someone to listen?

Would you like to pay my rent and tuition?

If the answer to at least the last of these three questions is yes, then I'm your guy! I'm 26 years old (but can look as young as 17 if you want me to shave). I have a great sense of humor, cute (I've been compared to the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee), and don't have any kids. If you prefer a guy with a baby, I have a 2 year old nephew who I can pretend is my son (he's adorable).

I'll come by, watch The Price is Right with you, go play your numbers, give you your insulin shot, do some laundry, read the newspaper, go to lunch, whatever. Let's have fun! No sex though...unless...well......how old are you? Nevermind...no sex. We can talk about sex though. Like how much sex we WOULD have if you were younger though, or about how GREAT I am at it...ya know...with YOUNGER, HOTTER women (I'm a stallion in the sack - you won't be disappointed with my stories).

So if you're open-minded, in need of attention, and wealthy, give me a holler - I'm free all day (just got laid off).

Looking forward to meeting you hot mamas!...(no pun intended)....(ok yes it was).

I'm serious, by the way.

The answer is YES!

Random Thoughts from the Day After

Woke up this morning feelin more confident than ever. I'm a pretty confident guy...borderline conceited at times, even.

But today was different.

My shit was off the meter. I found myself smiling from ear to ear AAAAAAALL day with my chin way up in the air. I felt like I had my own personal star-spangled soundtrack (note to self: sample Star-Spangled Banner (note to self 2: find out if you have to say "note to self" when typing note to self.)).

I had so much confidence, I felt like my dick grew a foot overnight. I think I stepped on it when I got outta bed.

I woke up this morning and bought this newspaper.



I woke up so confident this morning, I could understand the use of the word "swagger"...and I exuded it. I left a trail of swagger behind me all over the Chi. My swagger made Kanye's swagger kill itself by drowning in it's self-pity and feelings of inadequacy. F waitin till I get my money right...you can't tell me nothin right NOW!

I'ma iron my jeans and wear button-ups the rest of the week. Maybe even shave.

I realized shortly after I woke up that even a nigga like me, who refers to himself as "a nigga like me," COULD be President of the United States one day. And if the nation's future pans out like it COULD as a result of yesterday's election, this country might be something I'd actually take an interest in.

I looked in the mirror and felt an overwhelming swelling of pride. OK, I'm light-skinned...but I'm Black. My skin and has never been so beautiful to me as it was when I looked in the mirror today.

I wish I had a job.
I wish I had a job with white people.
I wish I had a job with white people who was on that McCain shit.

Listened to white politicians talk on the radio today. They made some REALLY good points. My favorite of which being that Black people are being selfish by claiming this as a "Black victory" instead of a victory for AMERICA! That is absolutely true. We're so quick to scream and shout racism at the whites, but when they attempt to share something on the same level as us, we shut them out.

We need a reevaluation of our mindset. Our way of thinking needs an overhaul. The way I understand it, the rest of the world does not differentiate between "African-Americans" and "Americans" - it's all the same. Why can't we see things like that???

I woke up this morning proud than a muthafucka.

Ways BET Could Ruin This

Let's hope, in this time of celebration, that our brothas and sistas over at BET will act right. I've compiled a short list of things for them to NOT do.

1.) Invite Uncle Luke to host "BET Presents: Barack's Booty Bash."

2.) Attribute the win in part to Jeezy, without whose controversial and outspoken lyrics ("my president is black, my lambo is blue, and i'll be goddamned if my rims aint too"), history would not have seen Barack Obama elected president today.

3.) Having any kind of party where a fight breaks out.

4.) Presenting Mr. Obama with the "Blackest Prez-o-dent" award at the 2009 BET Awards.


It's late and I'm sleepy. Feel free to add more. Let's just hope BET stays completely outta the way during this proud, momentous occasion.

S Dot wrote at 8:39am LMAO!!!!! this is on daily get right right? ill pump it a bit.

Jessica wrote at 8:55am BET needs to not mention this period! BET is one of the greatest attributors to the demise of the Black community. I feel dumber everytime I watch that network! Obama 08! Report - Delete

Lady Harris wrote at 9:02am BET is banned from any presidential events.....PERIOD. Report - Delete

Glennisha wrote at 9:16am LOL Report - Delete

Amyre wrote at 9:41am lmao Report - Delete

Marco wrote at 9:57am lmao at the BET presents Baraks Booty Bash. yeah BET needs to stay out of it definitely Report - Delete

S Dot wrote at 9:59am or BET presents "Presidential Rap Battle" MC Cain vs B-Rack Obama. Know who would win? Me. Report - Delete

Chris wrote at 10:20am Now that the Dems have the Senate and the House someone needs to push forward a bill that just bands BET all together. Report - Delete

Nic wrote at 11:15am That would be the worst,...BET presents "How Iam Livin: The First Black President," walk ing through the white house, Oval office, INTERVIEWER: So you mean to tell me that this the actual room where Billy Clint got sucked off by that fat bitch.Thats is incredible! Report - Delete

Jamal wrote at 11:26am For the first time in history t-shirts with a positive figure have outsold RIP Pookie shirts and shirts having anything to do with gettin money Report - Delete

J.J. wrote at 1:19pm Lmfao @ all comments Report - Delete

T wrote at 1:40pm ...but i wont front like that jeezy track aint been stuck in my head since 9 last night... Delete

Tate wrote at 1:41pm The 1st thing that I thought about last night was that episode of The Boondocks where MLK Jr. came back and that had that party for him that he couldn't even get into. It was classic "coonin" at it's best. So I can definitely see BET and/or some other big party promoter in DC throwing a party on inauguration night that has everybody but Obama. Example: "THE LEBRON JAMES/JESSE JACKSON/T.I. OFFICIAL INAUGURATION AFTERPARTY featuring MICHAEL JORDAN hosted by P DIDDY & CIROC & NEWPORT CIGARETTES" Report - Delete

Tate wrote at 1:45pm LOL @ Nic. "You seen cribs? That's how the f*ck I'm livin" And yeah Thomas the Jeezy track was stuck in my head from the time I woke up yesterday and cut on the news til I left from in front of the White House at like 3am last night, lol. Report - Delete

J.J. wrote at 2:25pm lmao @ tate. Report - Delete

Marco wrote at 2:41pm lmao @ tate even worse "Bob Johnson/Soulja Boy/Young Jeezy in association with Get Money Productions and Flippin Birds entertainment presents the Official Inaugaration afterparty hosted by DJ Khaled, T-Wayne and Hurricane Malt Liquor" the fucked up thing is you know damn well its gonna happen and it aint gonna be too much different from those titles. Report - Delete

Tate wrote at 3:03pm LMAO @ Marco! WE THE BEST!!! WHO?!? WE N*GGA!! WE GLOBAL NOW!! Report - Delete

Marco wrote at 3:10pm i know man i sorta secretly do want to hear Khaleds reaction to this presidency lol Report - Delete

Tate wrote at 3:17pm YOU!! Just for sh*ts and giggles I want to see what BET is going to do. It's like watching a bad accident. You don't wanna see it but you just can't turn away. But everybody knows they gonna roll something out with the new season of Kiesha Cole. They have to capitalize on this fast. LOL Report - Delete

Jennifer wrote at 9:10pm Lmao @ all these comments! And was I the only one singing the will.I.am joint? That jeezy bs had no place in my head lol. Report - Delete

DaNitra wrote at 10:01pm Tate is off the hook!!!! Report - Delete

History

Very rarely do we take the opportunity to sit and appreciate the magnitude of events which will later be viewed as turning points in the course of history. Today marks one of those days.

During the entire 2008 presidential campaign, I have done a pretty good job at examining the issues and all candidates objectively - difficult as it may have been to set aside my natural inclination to be ECSTATIC at the unique opportunity which currently presents itself.

The United States of America is less than 24 hours away from having its first Black President!

Some may say that it marks the culmination of the Black community's struggle for civil rights, which kicked into high gear just a few decades ago.

Some may be amazed that we've come so far in only a half-a-century, from the back of the bus, to leading (arguably) the most powerful nation in the world.

Others will say "It's been a long time coming!" and say that the universe is simply righting itself, as we are beginning the process of returning to the prominence which was robbed of our ancestors centuries ago. It's in our bloodline to be rulers. Black people in this country have come from the lowest of the lows, through the ranks, literally beaten and bruised at EVERY step along the way, to assume the post which we were preordained by to hold:

Kings.


How ironic, that it would be a King which prophesied about this...

Although this will be a monumental win, the struggle will not be over tomorrow. The racial tension surrounding this day has been so thick, that it's made even ME uncomfortable. It is undeniable that some people in this country simply do not want a Black man as their president. Even if, deep in their hearts, they know that he is the better man for the job, they will vote against him just for the simple fact that he is a Black man.

It is this type of person which makes me nervous about a victory. I will not even speak of why, but I am sure that it is a thought which has crossed every voter's mind at least once. If I feel the tension bearing down upon me this tough, I cannot even imagine what Mr. Obama feels right now. He has the weight of the universe on his shoulders, the expectations of history on his back, and Lord knows what on his mind. I feel that this is the perfect opportunity to show some unity as a nation, Black, White, and Everyone Else, and put him on OUR backs by showing our support.

History has already been written. No matter what happens from this point on, we have all been witnesses to considerable events in the course of the USA and of the world. This election has far-reaching implications, and will hopefully serve as motivation for a generation of downtrodden, misguided, and misunderstood minority youth.

Anyway, I just want everyone to step back and appreciate the magnitude of this day. I was overwhelmed by a swelling of pride yesterday...so much that I did not know how to express it. This is my attempt.