Bus Log: Wed 16 Dec 2009

December 10, 2009

On the way to work today, it was very cold. This guy came up to me informing me of this fact. His various ways to express how cold it was were very entertaining:

Old Crazy War Vet:

• This kinda cold ain't fit fa men!
• OOooOoh lawd help meh JEESUS!
• Da LAWD got a RAZOR in his pocket today!

Me: Yeah. The bus is coming. Sh*t, it's a Smart (they don't pick up in Detroit).
One-eyed man: I see a DDOT behind it.
Me: ::resisting the urge to say:: "How you see that???"


Once on the bus, these two [probably] crackheads got on arguing.
C1: Pay mine for me! ::walks to the back::
C2: You got your own bus fare! Pay it yoself! ::pays and boards::

They continue talking. A few stops later, the bus driver calls him back up front.

Bus Driver: Sir! Come here.
C1: Fa what??
BD: You gotta PAY!
C1: ::to C2:: I thought you paid for me!
C2: I DID! I gave him 2 transfers...
C1: OK I gotta go. Call me later

This fool gave up way too easily. He know his crack buddy didn't pay no damn fare for him. He prolly said to call so they can do more crack together, sadly.

December 15, 2009

Coming home from work, there's this guy standing near the bus stop. He looks like Homeless Biz-Face Killah The Chef. He looked pretty subdued....till I walked by. Then he sprang to life...

HBFKC: ay cuz...I'M COLDA DEN A ESKIMO CUZ! It's cold outside, but I'M COLDA DEN A ES-KA-MOE!

Like he was tryina battle me!!! He was rockin back and forth like we were in a full-out-battle-to-the-death-after-school-or-lunchtime-cypher!!!

I actually woulda taken him up, but was scared he might stab me with a syringe chuck full of Hepa-Swine-AIDS-E.

On the bus was this obviously illiterate man with a trashy-looking romance novel. He sat directly behind two real cute girls, peering right over the top of the book. Pretending to read behind two pretty girls - classy move, Mr. Illiteracy.

Handipendent Man

Guy in wheelchair get on the bus. Nothing special about that. The driver tries to assist him getting settled, to which Handipendency exclaims:

Handipendency: "I GOT it! I don't need yo help muthaf*cka!"

I looked up like "whoa!" This guy seriously ain't want no help. Then I bust out laughing. Only one on the bus crackin up.

He wouldn't let driver secure his wheelchair. Woulda been sooooooo funny if he purposely made his evil ass roll over.

Like 2 stops later, after dude realized he SHOULD have his chair secured, he politely calls to the driver:

HDP: Excuse me bus driva, could u strap my chair down please?

I laughed again.

December 16, 2009

On the way to work today, old man comes up and starts telling me how cold it is....like I didn't know. As long as I've been taking the bus, I'm still not good at pickin out which old people are just old, and which are old and f*cking crazy. This one started:

Old Guy: Man it's cold as SIN out here boy! The otha day, this broad came by man and i wasnt even lookin at her at first. Man i loked up, n saw her p*ssy was stickin out, ass was sticking out titties...! MAN! I was like wtf is that?? But it HAD to be her p*ssy cuz it was a GIRL! Well not a girl, a woman. She was like 20. I was like gooooddamn!

Me: ::cracking up while vigorously taking notes::

Old Guy: Know where u REALLY see it at? College! After Vietnam, I went to Michigan State...that the one in Ann arbor? Anyway some of these broads look like they built THEYSELF! u can tell the lawd REALLY love THEM!

I knew he would make for a REALLY interesting bus log. He musta thought I was laughing with him. Definitely AT you, sir.

Bus Log: The Lost Logs, August - November

For those of you who look forward to the bus logs, let me apologize. . . actually, f it. Nevermind, I'm not apologizing; I just ain't feel like writing. As such, All of November has been summed up into one entry, as well as various others that I just forgot to write lol.



August 20, 2009

The bus was unusually funky this day. One guy remarked: It smells like chicken sh*t! I don't think it was a random comparison; he looked like he knew EXACTLY what chicken sh*t smells like.

August 24, 2009

Standing at the bus stop this morning, I was approached by a rather large fellow. In his hand was a brown paper bag, from which he was drinking. As he swayed back and forth in an all-too-familiar fashion, he spoke

Morning Drunk: Dis da Woodward bus stop?
Me: ::looking up to the big "Woodward" street sign:: Yep.
MD: Oh

::awkward silence::

MD: Yo mama still alive??
Me: ....uh...yeah.
MD: My mama just passed last night.

Feel bad for him? Yeah I did too. . . keep reading.

MD: She died right the f*ck over there in that hospital ::points over in the general direction of DMC::
Me: Damn man. I'm sorry to hear that. U aight gettin home?
MD: Man nah. I need some bus fare ::pretends to cry::
Me: OK. Here's $2.
MD: Thanks man. . . ::turns to walk away, then comes back:: Ay lil bruh. I'm uh....I'm hungry too.

And I started thinking about it. . . I just gave this muthaf***a $2 for bus fare, and he's holding a 40oz of malt liquor! Get your priorities straight G! Get home first, THEN think about a drink! I don't even believe his mama died no more.

Me: Sorry mane. I ain't even got it. Go ask somebody in McDonald's

Saw him the next day pullin the same sh*t!

Evil Bus Driver
After getting on the bus, I noticed the driver was going really fast, and not stopping at all the stops. At one stop, he pulled over and someone was taking a long time to board the bus. He yells out "YOU BETTA RUN! I'M BOUTA LOSE MY JOB! NO TIME FA DIS!" and pulls off. I died laughing. I hope he does lose his job.

Supporting Characters
Big young fat lady rubbing her non-pregnant belly, wearing an NBA "baby" tee. She was not homeless.

Big old fat lady wearing a parka and a sweater. It's 70 degrees outside. She also was not homeless.

August 25, 2009

Got on the bus and the driver is slumped down in his seat (cuz he couldn't recline it) like he was pushin a dope boy 86 Monte or somethin. I sat AAAAALL the way in the back. Farthest corner from the driver. Everybody is in a chill mood, the bus is quiet...except for the ghetto ass bus driver. I heard every single syllable of his ghetto ass conversation to his (undoubtedly) ghetto ass buddy Chip. Although I couldn't hear Ghetto Ass Chip's end of the convo, I entertained myself by filling it in. I don't remember what was said, but I had fun at the time.

November XX, 2009 - The Bum Log


The bus has actually been unusually normal lately. However, since I work downtown, there is no shortage of weirdo sightings. This installment of the Bus Log will be known as The Bum Log.

At work today, I saw the same vagrant 3 times. His nose was unnecessarily, disgustingly runny. I mean like his nasty ass mustache was covered in slime - glistening in the late-November sun. The first time he saw me, he asked for some money for a sandwich from Jimmy John's. I didn't have any cash, so I bought him one on my card. I went in, brought it back to him, and instead of saying "Thank you" or the usual "God bless, brotha!" He says "what, no drink???" I said "you're welcome" and walked away. I saw him two more times within the next half hour, and he asked me for money for a sandwich again both times, like he had never seen me before in his life.

No wonder he's a bum. Loser.

I got on the elevator in the Ford Building on the way back up to the office, and Faizon Love's twin brother gets on with me. I usually speak to people on the elevator, so I say

Me: Hey man how's it goin?
Faizon Twin: Man I'm aight....::mood immediately changing to somber:: HEY MAN!....you love America?? I love America man. . . I fought in the war man, now they tryina not give me no money man. But I still love America man. ::looking sooooo serious and sad::

Me: ::getting off the elevator:: Cool. Have a nice day, guy.

Later on, on my way out the building again, this bum yells at me:
Excited Bum: Hey handsome young brotha, u got some spare change?
Me: Naw man. Sorry
EB: It's cool! Have a good day, lil brutha! HA! U got a beard like Dick Tracy!

I thought to myself, "Dick Tracy doesn't have a beard..."

Finally, on the way home on the bus. . .

This guy was exaggerating EVERYTHING!
Exaggeration Man: Man this sun is BEAMIN! It's CRAZY hot out here!
Fact: it was only in the mid-60s that day.

EM: But man this mornin it was cold as HELL! It was like ZERO BELOW out!
Fact: It didn't get colder than 40 degrees that day.


EM: I been out there workin in these coveralls I got from [can't remember the name of the cheap clothing store]. Dem shits only cost like TWO DOLLAS APIECE!
Fact: ....that one might be true. I dunno

He was talking to me this whole time, and I said not one word. Just nodded or made a "oh, word??" face.

PIE-YOW! Man
It's always a good thing when someone enjoys their job; they're generally more jolly and pleasant to be around. This is an especially useful attribute for someone in positions where customer service is required, like say....a bus driver. This particular bus driver took it a tad too far, methinks. He may have had a medical condition; I haven't seen him since this day.

Every person who got on the Woodward bus, he greeted with an excited "PIE-YOW!" and a fist bump. It was funny at first, and kinda created a more friendly mood in place of the usual watch-your-back feeling one gets on DDOT. He did this to literally every single passenger who got on the bus. And he sang loud, annoying songs when he pulled up to a stop. He would open the door, and should "WOOD-WAAARD WOOD-WAAAARD WOOD-WAAAAAAARD!" at the people waiting at the bus stop. I wish I could've gotten some of the crazy looks people gave him. Like people were really angry at this man for being happy.

One person even said: what the f*ck this n*gga so g*dd*mn happy about??

Detroit Hates Love.

COM-AH-DEE.


Another Day in November 

I caught the Dexter bus today. Coming up Cass, the bus driver passed this guy standing at the curb. He didn't stop because the bus stop was about a block down the street. He waited at the bus stop for dude to catch up, and when he got to the door, m'man said "F*CK YOU! I ain't wanna get on this bus NO way!"

I think that's all for the make-up bus logs. I'll try to stay up to date from now on ;-P

Bus Log: Tue 13 October 2009

This morning, standing at the bus stop, this guy comes walking up. He looks unkempt, but not homeless. Kinda stupid looking, but not crazy. He was kinda like one of those guys that, when his mama kicks him out or passes away, he won't know how to eat. Will soon fall prey to natural selection.

Anyway, he runs up to the bus stop, which was strange because there was no bus in sight. Then he stands stil, facing the other side of the street for about 20 seconds, turns to me and says:

Almost Bum: ::half-laughing:: Why the sign say "Bus Stop: No Standing?" What, they want us to sit down and wait for the bus??

Me: Yeah I always thought that was funny too.

Cuz I did. I thought of that before, giggled to myself, and shared that joke with no one. This guy...

AB: ::in a crescendo of anger:: naw, it's not funny...they expect us TO SIT DOWN AT THE BUS STOP?!??? I AINT SITTIN DOWN!!

I walked a block south to the next bus stop. He wasn't even on the bus.

------------------------------

On the way home after work, I had to run for the bus. Why the bus driver lady look annoyed that I caught her before she pulled off??? I said "GOTCHA!" and walked to my seat.

She was unamused.

I mistakenly got off the bus a full 3 blocks early, so I had a great deal of walking to do. As I'm passing McDonald's, almost to my crib, this guy walks up to me and says:

Painter Guy: Whassup lil cuzzo?

Me: Nothin man. How's it goin?

Of course I didn't really CARE, it was just a greeting. But he proceeded to tell me aaaaaall about how he'd be better...

PG: Sheeeit bro bro, I'd be betta if I got me like 3 a 4 big buildin contracts ta paint. Talkin bout like 70-80 G's APIECE m'man! ::sees big woman crossing the street:: OOOOOOH-WEE! I LIKE em big! They got that good ol, sloppy, juicy-good thang! I'm talkin bout the type make ya not wann go HOME type lovin! Like that scene from Harlem Nights! Knowhatimsayin lil bruh??

Me: ::wishing I had a video camera in this guy:: ::laughing:: yep. I know what u mean.

Fun times on Woodward, I tell ya.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bus Log: Thu 8 October 2009

Good morning bus log. This day has seen lots of action already lol...

Picture, if you will this guy. Walking down the street. In his hand, a wooden board and a bottle of lemon scented dollar store bleach. No need to picture it; I've done it for u:






As he strolls down the street, he yells, excitedly at you:

Crazy bum with wood: I love u. I know who YOU love! BETTA love GAWD!

Then, he turns to a random woman and yells:

CBWW: Woman I love u! I love everythang ABOUT u!

Woman: ::carefully evades him on sidewalk::

CBWW: I love the way u WALK! I know u can SANG too!

Walkin past the bank, looks up as if he remembers,

CBWW: Oh! where that lady officer? I LOVE U OFFICA! MAMMA MIA PIZZA PIA!

------------------------------

Once I got on the bus, this girl, prolly skipping school, says to a guy wearing a McDonald's hat..and a McDonald's shirt......and McDonald's pants.........and a McDonald's jacket, "U work at McDonald's a suh-in??" And said it in like what I'm assuming was her version of a sexy voice...like she wad tryina get on by taking an interest in this man's fast food work!

(lmao! Just thought of Calvin from Chappelle's "WacArnold's" sketch as I'm typing this)

------------------------------

Driving down Woodward, noticed that they have side streets blocked off to shoot the "Red Dawn" movie.

Hood rat: I should be in a movie too! ::pats weave::

Me: ::thinking:: u prolly are. They sell it in the bathroom at Deja Vu. . .

------------------------------

As I think there can't possibly be anymore excitement for one 3 mile bus ride, I'm startled by a troll:

Troll Woman: can yall believe dat?? Bitchin ova a QUARTA! dis early in da MORNIN!

Apparently, the bus driver either wouldn't let someone else on the bus or barely let her on for being short a bit. She then went back and sat down.

....less than a minute later, walks BACK to the front and continues the rant:

TW: A BROTHA!! Workin for a multi million dolla corporation! U oughta b ashamed. Black bus driva!

Bus driver: ::ignoring her:: everybody, we can't make it to the transit center cuz the movie people got the streets blocked off. This as close as I an get --

TW: ::interrupting:: GIVE EVERYBODY THEY MONEY BACK! ::standing right next to bus driver, turns to us like we're her audience. ::Continues condemnation:: You KNOW he had bad luck all his life that's why he drivin this BUS! U wish u had a limo!

Bus driver: ::finally acknowledging her:: Miss Daisy, THIS yo limo, da BUS!

TW: He gon DIE a bus driver wit no promotions! Coleman A. Young my uncle! Sidney Jacobs my name! Then she gets off like that was her cue to exit stage right.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bus Log: Tue 6 October 2009

Ok so today was like "Attack of the Weirdos." At the bus stop on Woodward, just south of Campus Martius, coming out of this restaurant was a man. This was no ordinary man. He had on a Foogi sweater directly from 1996, a COWBOY hat with like a colorful peacock feather stuck in it, red wingtip shoes, and....wait for it.....he was wearing Big Bird for a coat. Red Big Bird. At first glance, I thought he was wearing a costume to promote a chicken restaurant or something. I HAD to get a pic...





Once I got on the bus, the weirdos kept rolling in like, like...::thinking of something that rolls::...HOT CAKES!! I swear, 3 of em got on at one stop. I thought they were together, but once they boarded, they sat down and began having conversations with themselves, independent of each other.

This one lady got on with this big black church hat, a furry, feathery coat (similar to Big Bird actually, but dark brown), and a big ass stuffed tiger. Every so often, she exclaimed "TIGA been eatin EV-RA-THANG! ::mumble mumble:: TIGA HOWNGRY!!" This continued.

At the next stop, another crazy got on. Since I was in need of more Bus Log material, and there was an empty seat next to me....I offered it to him. . . mistake. He was the most BORING crazy EVAR! He talked to himself in mumbles, and barely, he didn't even have a weird twitch to him! But he DID stink like hell. I lose. I lose. Bus Log backfire.

In the meanwhile, this lil kid gets on the bus, runs DIRECTLY to Tiga Lady, like she KNEW her, points, like 4" from this looney ass broad, and says "What dat mama?!" I had to turn my head to the window and laugh to myself.

Then this other guy tried to get on the bus, and the driver wouldn't let him on. He turns to the riders, like we're his congregation and yells, "YALL SEE DAT?? WON'T LET A BROTHA ON DA BUS, STRAIGHT FROM DA HOSPITAL TRYINA GET HOME! AM I MY BROTHA'S KEEPA??? HELL naw!" and jumped off.

Now THAT'S an exit lol.