Bus Log: Wed 16 Dec 2009

December 10, 2009

On the way to work today, it was very cold. This guy came up to me informing me of this fact. His various ways to express how cold it was were very entertaining:

Old Crazy War Vet:

• This kinda cold ain't fit fa men!
• OOooOoh lawd help meh JEESUS!
• Da LAWD got a RAZOR in his pocket today!

Me: Yeah. The bus is coming. Sh*t, it's a Smart (they don't pick up in Detroit).
One-eyed man: I see a DDOT behind it.
Me: ::resisting the urge to say:: "How you see that???"


Once on the bus, these two [probably] crackheads got on arguing.
C1: Pay mine for me! ::walks to the back::
C2: You got your own bus fare! Pay it yoself! ::pays and boards::

They continue talking. A few stops later, the bus driver calls him back up front.

Bus Driver: Sir! Come here.
C1: Fa what??
BD: You gotta PAY!
C1: ::to C2:: I thought you paid for me!
C2: I DID! I gave him 2 transfers...
C1: OK I gotta go. Call me later

This fool gave up way too easily. He know his crack buddy didn't pay no damn fare for him. He prolly said to call so they can do more crack together, sadly.

December 15, 2009

Coming home from work, there's this guy standing near the bus stop. He looks like Homeless Biz-Face Killah The Chef. He looked pretty subdued....till I walked by. Then he sprang to life...

HBFKC: ay cuz...I'M COLDA DEN A ESKIMO CUZ! It's cold outside, but I'M COLDA DEN A ES-KA-MOE!

Like he was tryina battle me!!! He was rockin back and forth like we were in a full-out-battle-to-the-death-after-school-or-lunchtime-cypher!!!

I actually woulda taken him up, but was scared he might stab me with a syringe chuck full of Hepa-Swine-AIDS-E.

On the bus was this obviously illiterate man with a trashy-looking romance novel. He sat directly behind two real cute girls, peering right over the top of the book. Pretending to read behind two pretty girls - classy move, Mr. Illiteracy.

Handipendent Man

Guy in wheelchair get on the bus. Nothing special about that. The driver tries to assist him getting settled, to which Handipendency exclaims:

Handipendency: "I GOT it! I don't need yo help muthaf*cka!"

I looked up like "whoa!" This guy seriously ain't want no help. Then I bust out laughing. Only one on the bus crackin up.

He wouldn't let driver secure his wheelchair. Woulda been sooooooo funny if he purposely made his evil ass roll over.

Like 2 stops later, after dude realized he SHOULD have his chair secured, he politely calls to the driver:

HDP: Excuse me bus driva, could u strap my chair down please?

I laughed again.

December 16, 2009

On the way to work today, old man comes up and starts telling me how cold it is....like I didn't know. As long as I've been taking the bus, I'm still not good at pickin out which old people are just old, and which are old and f*cking crazy. This one started:

Old Guy: Man it's cold as SIN out here boy! The otha day, this broad came by man and i wasnt even lookin at her at first. Man i loked up, n saw her p*ssy was stickin out, ass was sticking out titties...! MAN! I was like wtf is that?? But it HAD to be her p*ssy cuz it was a GIRL! Well not a girl, a woman. She was like 20. I was like gooooddamn!

Me: ::cracking up while vigorously taking notes::

Old Guy: Know where u REALLY see it at? College! After Vietnam, I went to Michigan State...that the one in Ann arbor? Anyway some of these broads look like they built THEYSELF! u can tell the lawd REALLY love THEM!

I knew he would make for a REALLY interesting bus log. He musta thought I was laughing with him. Definitely AT you, sir.

Bus Log: The Lost Logs, August - November

For those of you who look forward to the bus logs, let me apologize. . . actually, f it. Nevermind, I'm not apologizing; I just ain't feel like writing. As such, All of November has been summed up into one entry, as well as various others that I just forgot to write lol.



August 20, 2009

The bus was unusually funky this day. One guy remarked: It smells like chicken sh*t! I don't think it was a random comparison; he looked like he knew EXACTLY what chicken sh*t smells like.

August 24, 2009

Standing at the bus stop this morning, I was approached by a rather large fellow. In his hand was a brown paper bag, from which he was drinking. As he swayed back and forth in an all-too-familiar fashion, he spoke

Morning Drunk: Dis da Woodward bus stop?
Me: ::looking up to the big "Woodward" street sign:: Yep.
MD: Oh

::awkward silence::

MD: Yo mama still alive??
Me: ....uh...yeah.
MD: My mama just passed last night.

Feel bad for him? Yeah I did too. . . keep reading.

MD: She died right the f*ck over there in that hospital ::points over in the general direction of DMC::
Me: Damn man. I'm sorry to hear that. U aight gettin home?
MD: Man nah. I need some bus fare ::pretends to cry::
Me: OK. Here's $2.
MD: Thanks man. . . ::turns to walk away, then comes back:: Ay lil bruh. I'm uh....I'm hungry too.

And I started thinking about it. . . I just gave this muthaf***a $2 for bus fare, and he's holding a 40oz of malt liquor! Get your priorities straight G! Get home first, THEN think about a drink! I don't even believe his mama died no more.

Me: Sorry mane. I ain't even got it. Go ask somebody in McDonald's

Saw him the next day pullin the same sh*t!

Evil Bus Driver
After getting on the bus, I noticed the driver was going really fast, and not stopping at all the stops. At one stop, he pulled over and someone was taking a long time to board the bus. He yells out "YOU BETTA RUN! I'M BOUTA LOSE MY JOB! NO TIME FA DIS!" and pulls off. I died laughing. I hope he does lose his job.

Supporting Characters
Big young fat lady rubbing her non-pregnant belly, wearing an NBA "baby" tee. She was not homeless.

Big old fat lady wearing a parka and a sweater. It's 70 degrees outside. She also was not homeless.

August 25, 2009

Got on the bus and the driver is slumped down in his seat (cuz he couldn't recline it) like he was pushin a dope boy 86 Monte or somethin. I sat AAAAALL the way in the back. Farthest corner from the driver. Everybody is in a chill mood, the bus is quiet...except for the ghetto ass bus driver. I heard every single syllable of his ghetto ass conversation to his (undoubtedly) ghetto ass buddy Chip. Although I couldn't hear Ghetto Ass Chip's end of the convo, I entertained myself by filling it in. I don't remember what was said, but I had fun at the time.

November XX, 2009 - The Bum Log


The bus has actually been unusually normal lately. However, since I work downtown, there is no shortage of weirdo sightings. This installment of the Bus Log will be known as The Bum Log.

At work today, I saw the same vagrant 3 times. His nose was unnecessarily, disgustingly runny. I mean like his nasty ass mustache was covered in slime - glistening in the late-November sun. The first time he saw me, he asked for some money for a sandwich from Jimmy John's. I didn't have any cash, so I bought him one on my card. I went in, brought it back to him, and instead of saying "Thank you" or the usual "God bless, brotha!" He says "what, no drink???" I said "you're welcome" and walked away. I saw him two more times within the next half hour, and he asked me for money for a sandwich again both times, like he had never seen me before in his life.

No wonder he's a bum. Loser.

I got on the elevator in the Ford Building on the way back up to the office, and Faizon Love's twin brother gets on with me. I usually speak to people on the elevator, so I say

Me: Hey man how's it goin?
Faizon Twin: Man I'm aight....::mood immediately changing to somber:: HEY MAN!....you love America?? I love America man. . . I fought in the war man, now they tryina not give me no money man. But I still love America man. ::looking sooooo serious and sad::

Me: ::getting off the elevator:: Cool. Have a nice day, guy.

Later on, on my way out the building again, this bum yells at me:
Excited Bum: Hey handsome young brotha, u got some spare change?
Me: Naw man. Sorry
EB: It's cool! Have a good day, lil brutha! HA! U got a beard like Dick Tracy!

I thought to myself, "Dick Tracy doesn't have a beard..."

Finally, on the way home on the bus. . .

This guy was exaggerating EVERYTHING!
Exaggeration Man: Man this sun is BEAMIN! It's CRAZY hot out here!
Fact: it was only in the mid-60s that day.

EM: But man this mornin it was cold as HELL! It was like ZERO BELOW out!
Fact: It didn't get colder than 40 degrees that day.


EM: I been out there workin in these coveralls I got from [can't remember the name of the cheap clothing store]. Dem shits only cost like TWO DOLLAS APIECE!
Fact: ....that one might be true. I dunno

He was talking to me this whole time, and I said not one word. Just nodded or made a "oh, word??" face.

PIE-YOW! Man
It's always a good thing when someone enjoys their job; they're generally more jolly and pleasant to be around. This is an especially useful attribute for someone in positions where customer service is required, like say....a bus driver. This particular bus driver took it a tad too far, methinks. He may have had a medical condition; I haven't seen him since this day.

Every person who got on the Woodward bus, he greeted with an excited "PIE-YOW!" and a fist bump. It was funny at first, and kinda created a more friendly mood in place of the usual watch-your-back feeling one gets on DDOT. He did this to literally every single passenger who got on the bus. And he sang loud, annoying songs when he pulled up to a stop. He would open the door, and should "WOOD-WAAARD WOOD-WAAAARD WOOD-WAAAAAAARD!" at the people waiting at the bus stop. I wish I could've gotten some of the crazy looks people gave him. Like people were really angry at this man for being happy.

One person even said: what the f*ck this n*gga so g*dd*mn happy about??

Detroit Hates Love.

COM-AH-DEE.


Another Day in November 

I caught the Dexter bus today. Coming up Cass, the bus driver passed this guy standing at the curb. He didn't stop because the bus stop was about a block down the street. He waited at the bus stop for dude to catch up, and when he got to the door, m'man said "F*CK YOU! I ain't wanna get on this bus NO way!"

I think that's all for the make-up bus logs. I'll try to stay up to date from now on ;-P

Bus Log: Tue 13 October 2009

This morning, standing at the bus stop, this guy comes walking up. He looks unkempt, but not homeless. Kinda stupid looking, but not crazy. He was kinda like one of those guys that, when his mama kicks him out or passes away, he won't know how to eat. Will soon fall prey to natural selection.

Anyway, he runs up to the bus stop, which was strange because there was no bus in sight. Then he stands stil, facing the other side of the street for about 20 seconds, turns to me and says:

Almost Bum: ::half-laughing:: Why the sign say "Bus Stop: No Standing?" What, they want us to sit down and wait for the bus??

Me: Yeah I always thought that was funny too.

Cuz I did. I thought of that before, giggled to myself, and shared that joke with no one. This guy...

AB: ::in a crescendo of anger:: naw, it's not funny...they expect us TO SIT DOWN AT THE BUS STOP?!??? I AINT SITTIN DOWN!!

I walked a block south to the next bus stop. He wasn't even on the bus.

------------------------------

On the way home after work, I had to run for the bus. Why the bus driver lady look annoyed that I caught her before she pulled off??? I said "GOTCHA!" and walked to my seat.

She was unamused.

I mistakenly got off the bus a full 3 blocks early, so I had a great deal of walking to do. As I'm passing McDonald's, almost to my crib, this guy walks up to me and says:

Painter Guy: Whassup lil cuzzo?

Me: Nothin man. How's it goin?

Of course I didn't really CARE, it was just a greeting. But he proceeded to tell me aaaaaall about how he'd be better...

PG: Sheeeit bro bro, I'd be betta if I got me like 3 a 4 big buildin contracts ta paint. Talkin bout like 70-80 G's APIECE m'man! ::sees big woman crossing the street:: OOOOOOH-WEE! I LIKE em big! They got that good ol, sloppy, juicy-good thang! I'm talkin bout the type make ya not wann go HOME type lovin! Like that scene from Harlem Nights! Knowhatimsayin lil bruh??

Me: ::wishing I had a video camera in this guy:: ::laughing:: yep. I know what u mean.

Fun times on Woodward, I tell ya.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bus Log: Thu 8 October 2009

Good morning bus log. This day has seen lots of action already lol...

Picture, if you will this guy. Walking down the street. In his hand, a wooden board and a bottle of lemon scented dollar store bleach. No need to picture it; I've done it for u:






As he strolls down the street, he yells, excitedly at you:

Crazy bum with wood: I love u. I know who YOU love! BETTA love GAWD!

Then, he turns to a random woman and yells:

CBWW: Woman I love u! I love everythang ABOUT u!

Woman: ::carefully evades him on sidewalk::

CBWW: I love the way u WALK! I know u can SANG too!

Walkin past the bank, looks up as if he remembers,

CBWW: Oh! where that lady officer? I LOVE U OFFICA! MAMMA MIA PIZZA PIA!

------------------------------

Once I got on the bus, this girl, prolly skipping school, says to a guy wearing a McDonald's hat..and a McDonald's shirt......and McDonald's pants.........and a McDonald's jacket, "U work at McDonald's a suh-in??" And said it in like what I'm assuming was her version of a sexy voice...like she wad tryina get on by taking an interest in this man's fast food work!

(lmao! Just thought of Calvin from Chappelle's "WacArnold's" sketch as I'm typing this)

------------------------------

Driving down Woodward, noticed that they have side streets blocked off to shoot the "Red Dawn" movie.

Hood rat: I should be in a movie too! ::pats weave::

Me: ::thinking:: u prolly are. They sell it in the bathroom at Deja Vu. . .

------------------------------

As I think there can't possibly be anymore excitement for one 3 mile bus ride, I'm startled by a troll:

Troll Woman: can yall believe dat?? Bitchin ova a QUARTA! dis early in da MORNIN!

Apparently, the bus driver either wouldn't let someone else on the bus or barely let her on for being short a bit. She then went back and sat down.

....less than a minute later, walks BACK to the front and continues the rant:

TW: A BROTHA!! Workin for a multi million dolla corporation! U oughta b ashamed. Black bus driva!

Bus driver: ::ignoring her:: everybody, we can't make it to the transit center cuz the movie people got the streets blocked off. This as close as I an get --

TW: ::interrupting:: GIVE EVERYBODY THEY MONEY BACK! ::standing right next to bus driver, turns to us like we're her audience. ::Continues condemnation:: You KNOW he had bad luck all his life that's why he drivin this BUS! U wish u had a limo!

Bus driver: ::finally acknowledging her:: Miss Daisy, THIS yo limo, da BUS!

TW: He gon DIE a bus driver wit no promotions! Coleman A. Young my uncle! Sidney Jacobs my name! Then she gets off like that was her cue to exit stage right.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bus Log: Tue 6 October 2009

Ok so today was like "Attack of the Weirdos." At the bus stop on Woodward, just south of Campus Martius, coming out of this restaurant was a man. This was no ordinary man. He had on a Foogi sweater directly from 1996, a COWBOY hat with like a colorful peacock feather stuck in it, red wingtip shoes, and....wait for it.....he was wearing Big Bird for a coat. Red Big Bird. At first glance, I thought he was wearing a costume to promote a chicken restaurant or something. I HAD to get a pic...





Once I got on the bus, the weirdos kept rolling in like, like...::thinking of something that rolls::...HOT CAKES!! I swear, 3 of em got on at one stop. I thought they were together, but once they boarded, they sat down and began having conversations with themselves, independent of each other.

This one lady got on with this big black church hat, a furry, feathery coat (similar to Big Bird actually, but dark brown), and a big ass stuffed tiger. Every so often, she exclaimed "TIGA been eatin EV-RA-THANG! ::mumble mumble:: TIGA HOWNGRY!!" This continued.

At the next stop, another crazy got on. Since I was in need of more Bus Log material, and there was an empty seat next to me....I offered it to him. . . mistake. He was the most BORING crazy EVAR! He talked to himself in mumbles, and barely, he didn't even have a weird twitch to him! But he DID stink like hell. I lose. I lose. Bus Log backfire.

In the meanwhile, this lil kid gets on the bus, runs DIRECTLY to Tiga Lady, like she KNEW her, points, like 4" from this looney ass broad, and says "What dat mama?!" I had to turn my head to the window and laugh to myself.

Then this other guy tried to get on the bus, and the driver wouldn't let him on. He turns to the riders, like we're his congregation and yells, "YALL SEE DAT?? WON'T LET A BROTHA ON DA BUS, STRAIGHT FROM DA HOSPITAL TRYINA GET HOME! AM I MY BROTHA'S KEEPA??? HELL naw!" and jumped off.

Now THAT'S an exit lol.

Bus Log: Mon 5 October 2009

So I'm getting off the bus from work on the way home, and I see this person who may or may not be a bum walking towards me, staring me dead in the face. I get an excuse ready, cuz I'm almost sure they're gonna ask me for change that I don't have. I'm unsure of two things:

1. If they're really a bum. All I know is this person is dirty and has that half-there, half-insane look in their eyes.

2. If it's a man or woman. Just looked like a crazy, dirty, sexless person.

Anyway, I'm a relatively friendly guy (sometimes to a fault), so I speak. . . . my fault.

Instantly I know that it's a man. He says (in the deepest, raspiest, manliest voice ever) "Boy u got some pretty eyes!" Scared the shit outta me! And then, before I have a chance to process this comment, and decide between blushing politely and saying "thanks" or sheepishly quickly shuffling away, he follows it up with "I mean DREAMY! Yo eyes so dreeeeaaaamyyyyy! HYPNOTIZIN! Boy dem shole is some pretty, dreamy...." ::trails off as I continue walking away::

He literally stood still talking about my eyes until I was out of earshot. I hope he didn't follow me into my complex. I wouldn't be surprised if Art paid this guy to do that.


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Bus Log: Wed, 12 August 2009

OK, so I had a job interview this morning out in Farmington Hills, and I took the bus. After the interview, I had to ride from FH to Downtown Detroit. Nice, long bus ride. . . but through the burbs, and mostly on the Smart bus. I figured it would be an uneventful day. Hell, I TRIED not to observe anything. I put my headphones on and my head down for most of the trip. But when I got on the bus from 12 Mile and Drake. . . .

The bus arrived 10 minutes late. Smart buses are NEVER late. And I almost didn't get on, because the sign said the wrong number. I coulda SWORN it said "Route 666 - Detroit - Hellbound" at first, but I needed the "740 - 12 Mile," so I was gonna pass it up. I got on the bus to ask the driver what part of Detroit it goes through, and Lesbian Bus Driver says "Dis bus don't go ta Dee-trawit!" And looked at me like EYE was the ignorant one.

This bitch looked ROUGH! She looked like life hated her and she didn't bother to do anything to reconcile their differences. She was a big white lady with faded tattoos all over her neck and arms, and 2 or 3 teeth missing. Not the two RIGHT in the front, but some of the side-front joints, so it looks even more crackly. So after I figured out that this actually WAS the 12 Mile bus, I told her that the sign was wrong. She stood up, banged on the inside a couple times, and sat back down. With her, was another, equally rough-looking, big black lesbian woman.

Now, for all of you who do not know, there exists a double standard when it comes to women with fades. If a woman (no matter her sexual orientation) decides to rock a fade, she absolutely MUST, bar NOTHING, keep it sharp. A guy can get away with going to the barber shop every couple of weeks, line up every weekend, whatever. Not a woman. I have female friends who could be poster-women for fades. These young ladies need to show the world (and this one chic on the bus, in particular) how to rock a fade.

**End Rant**

This bitch's fade was HIT! It was like a lopsided-almost-kinda-nappy-but-not-really-a-fro. And she wanted to tell me that the sign was right too, and I was wrong. I just sat down.

The next stop was in OCC parking lot, and I guess the bus driver took a 73 second break. These three guys (who looked like Eminem's boys who weren't quite cool enough for D-12) came up to the door and asked which route it was

LBD: ::yells:: BUS STOP OVA DERE! ::pulls 10 feet forward and lets ANOTHER rough looking chic on the bus::

D-13: Oh so you gon pick us up from over there?
LBD: Naw I'ma make you jump over here.

Now she says this, not jokingly, but like a serious smart ass. Like she knew him and WANTED to fight him! So D-14 and D-15 walk in front of the bus, to the designated spot and grim the shit outta her. I laugh audibly.

But at this point, I'm starting to get a lil nervous. I'm on the bus with 3 REALLY mean looking, surly, burly, manly women, and they won't let anyone else on. I had a full beard, so they HAD to know I wasn't a woman, so that didn't worry me. But something was still kinda weird.

Turns out it was nothing. Literally, as SOON as D-13, D-14, and D-15 got to the other side of the parking lot, she drives up and lets them on. Funniest shit I had seen in some time.

Sylar got on the bus a few stops later and just sat quietly, thoughtfully. . . almost menacingly*.

*I mighta imagined the menacing part, because he looked like Sylar.

So for a good 15-20 minutes, I had my headphones on. Suddenly, I got the distinct feeling that I was missing something. I mute my headphones, and right away I hear

Ranting Idiot: ...I'm not STUPID, I got a lil brain damage, but I don't take no shit from NOBODY! and they KNOW that!

I stop reading my ebook, turn my music off, and start taking notes. Then, in a stroke of genius, I decide that it may be even MORE fun to just drop in on the monologue every few minutes, to further randomize the randomness, if you will.

This guy sounded like when Eddie Murphy does his "angry black guy" voice (2:34).

Ranting Idiot on Music:
RI: I don't see HOW Jay-Z dat RICH, mane! I been buyin his albums over TEN YEARS na and I don't see WHAT it is! I been tryina figga it out EVERY TIME I BUY one! I don't get it! He should be like Michael Jackson and make music EVERYBODY like!

Ranting Idiot on Sports:
RI: Lebron James! You KNOW dat boy like 30 years old! Him and Michael Vick. Why the Lions fans talkin bout we need to get him??? He OLD!!!

This other guy got on the bus. . . . and I don't really like to talk about people too much, but uh. . . . fuck it, yes I do. I'll present this equation for all my fellow job-seekers out there:

doo rag + cardboard suit = you won't get the job

You can always tell the guys who just got outta prison and are on their way to a job interview - they're usually wearing a too-big suit, carrying a trumpet case for a briefcase, white tube socks, and boots. Watch for em. You'll thank me.

Random thoughts:

• I saw a white albino and thought, "how did I realize that they were both?" White albinos are redundant.
• If you gotta bend down to reach your back pocket, there's a problem with your stupid ass pants, stupid ass.
• Saw a bunch of Mexicans in neck braces standing outside a building. . . I wondered what THAT conversation was like.
  

And this was just on the way TO work. . .

Bus Log: Fri 31 July 2009

BACK! After almost a year of unemployment, I'm back working...downtown at that. Hopefully these will come more frequently now.

OK, so taking the Grand River bus from the northwest side to downtown, I see a lotta people. Some standing at bus stops, some walking down the street, some in cars, etc. This one chic standing at the bus stop had a BAAAAD body....but looked like she had suffered YEARS of abuse by numerous ugly sticks. She had an ugly that wouldn't quit. She was so ugly, looking at her, you would instantly forget how bad her body was. Like it was so bad, her ugly would dissolve a paper bag. . . . but lemme tell you how amazing a product is lip gloss. She put that shit on soooo thick, and it was soooo shiny, it almost distracted me from her ugly momentarily. . . . almost.

Moving on.

At Grand River/ Fenkell McDonald's, Flava Flav's mama was running from the restaurant to the bus stop with a drink in her hand tryina catch the bus. Every 5 steps or so, she would stop to sip her drink, then continue running. My imagination of her thought process made this even more entertaining. It went a lil something like this:

OMG BUS LEAVIN!! ::running::
But this drink is delicious... ::sipping::
BUT THE BUS IS LEAVING!!! ::running::
But MAN this drink is amazing... ::sipping::

Then, on the bus, there seemed to be an unusually large number of old people who didn't get the memo that they were old. this one guy had on some "Cartier ;-)" glasses, a beater and a big ol Jesus piece....like the big charm with a face of (what the tell us is) Jesus, encrusted in "[diamonds]." THIS MUTHAFUCKA WAS 70 YEARS OLD!!!! AT LEAST!!! He looked like he had a pocket full of candy corn and one dollar bills! He was probably taking the bus to the cemetery just to save his family the hassle. Old people. . .

If you're ever driving down Grand River, take notice of some of the weird ass business and store names/ logos. Here are a couple:

• Da Jump Off - I have no idea what it is or was or what the fuck they sell or do.
• Larry's Discount Tools - With a picture of Larry, an angry beaver holding a hammer.

There was this idiot walking down the street wearing a shirt that said

I GOT
IT FOR
CHEAP

big as FUCK. So, not only are you not making much money, but you're basically wearing "PLEASE ARREST ME" big as hell on your chest. When did drug dealers get official uniforms??? One of two things is gonna happen with drug dealers:

1. They're going to all eventually die of dumbness cuz they're getting so fuckin dumber. Or
2. The Drug Dealers Association of America (The Government) will require an entrance exam and/ or bachelor's degree in order to get employment.

Once we got near downtown, this guy asked the bus driver to let him off at a light, while the bus was stopped...no big deal. Once we started moving again, this other bitch asked the bus driver "Can u let me off right here??" .....in the middle of the street, while the bus was moving full fucking speed. She yelled that like 2 or 3 times as we're driving down the street. Once we got to an actual bus stop, she storms off the bus and yells "BOUT DAMN TIME MUTHAFUCKA!" This guy follows her off the bus, cosigning, then runs down the street chasing pigeons.

How to Open the Box Which Contains the Key to Happiness. . .

From the world's greatest book: How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Enjoy

You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it:

“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

“Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there…”
Everybody in the world is seeking happiness, and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. For example, two people may be in the same place, doing the same thing; both may have about an equal amount of money and prestige, and yet one may be miserable and the other happy.

Why? Because of a different mental attitude. I have seen just as many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling with their primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in air-conditioned offices in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles.
“There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so.”

Ghetto Carnival

Well, this particular day, I had a lil extra money and was feeling like doing something nice for a children or two. . . ended up just being one: my niece Cameron.

I had just finished studying at the Southfield Library, and was going to take her to the family-fun, safe-looking, no-hood-rat, carnival right outside. For some reason (probably subliminally so I could write this blog entry), I changed my mind. We instead went to the one on Greenfield and I-96. Yeah. . .

So when we first pulled up, there were people sitting in their cars smoking weed. Some were actually selling jewelry out of their trunk. It looked more like the parking lot of a hood bar after a "Brightmoor Doe-Gettas" or some shit concert. Anyway, we proceed into the carnival, I have a tight grip on her hand. As we're walkin in, she trips. I look down and see huge fuckin craters in the ground like right in front of the ticket booth. So you are FORCED to navigate this treachery if you want to have any kind of fun.

After these two events, I made the decision to only spend enough money for her to get on a few of the rides, win her a lil prize, and gtf outta there. $40 and an hour should do it.

So we make our way over to the swings ride, and she wants me to get on with her. While in line, I notice the guys not really paying attention to how the kids are fastened in. Kinda just walking by the seats, not checking them at all. One kid even says "HEY MISTER! MY THING NOT FASTENED!" Dude ignores him, and keeps walking. Some other kid ends up fixing it for him. When it starts, while we're still in line, I look up and see the ghetto babies kicking each other while they're up in the air, grabbing each other's swing, some of em are even throwing shit at each other. I look at Cam and say "Are you sure you wanna ride this?" She replies with an enthusiastic "YEAH!" I personally made sure she was securely fastened before taking off.

Next, we get on the Gravitron - the ride where you're standing up and it spins, pinning you to the wall. While on this one, this little girl appears as if she's trying to spit on someone. I'm looking dead in her face as she's unsuccessfully attempting to conjure up a loogie. I hoped that she would choke on it. She did not. As the ride slows down, but has not yet stopped, the kids all just take their belts off and start walking. I'm like "hold up Cam....not yet." Sure enough, the asshole operator starts the ride back up momentarily, shaking the shit outta the ghetto babies walking toward the exit. I laugh.

Now Cameron wants to play some games. The ring toss game, which usually uses pop bottles, has beer bottles at this particular carnival. I thought that was inappropriate. . . maybe it's just me though. Kinda made me want a beer.

Next, she wants to get on the hang-glider ride. On this ride, you lie face down, with your face on a cushion, and it spins you around. I said "don't put your face on that shit!" She gets on the ride, and obediently, yet uncomfortably, keeps her head propped up the entire time lmao. While waiting on this ride to start, a huge, gargantuan fatty fat fat ADULT gets on with no child, and fats down the entire ride. This fat ass was so big, I was afraid she would throw off the equilibrium of the ride. Anyway, that turned out alright too.

The People

• I saw Gerald Levert. Tried to get a picture. . . to no avail.
• They had the club background for you to take pics (i.e - airbrushed Airplanes, Maybachs, and Moet bottles)
• Stands with bootleg CDs & DVDs, as well as "Goach" and "Cucci" purses, belts, and t shirts
  
• Red Robin hair style. HAD to get a pic. . .
• 
• Dudes wearing a shirt that said "Free big byrd" with a picture of a big, dumb-looking, yellow guy on it. I laughed at THAT shit so hard. I hope his dumb ass never gets out.
  
• Argument broke out between two (pre?) teen girls. I didn't hear the whole thing, but it was something like
  

  Rat Bitch #1: BITCH I'MA TELL YO MAMA!
  Rat Bitch #2: BITCH U BETT NOT!
  
  I'm sure Rat Bitch #2's mama was there, and heard everything they were saying anyway. No need to tell on her, Rat Bitch #1. . . . fucking idiot.

• The Fight - No hood event is complete without the obligatory fight. These dudes get to yelling and arguing. Next thing I know, somebody pushes somebody else down, then the shirts come off. This one lil fool got "God's son" tattood real small on his chest. I'm pretty sure God didn't approve of THAT shit. Another guy had the Death Row Records electric chair poorly tattooed on his arm. It looked like he let his retarded 7 year old son do it.
  
• As we were leaving the field, this guy sitting in his car smoking weed yells out the window "AY! AY! LIL GIRL!" talking to my NIECE! I said "keep movin Cam. Don't even look." He continues "AY! You WHASSANAME daughter!" I said "No she ain't." And got her in the car.
  
• As we were driving away, the police came rushing in for some reason. Glad we didn't find out why.

All in all, it was a pretty ok day. We didn't see very much blood, and she had fun. I'll never go back again though.

Impact & Interdependence of Social Factors & Engineering + Porn

Thomas Phillips
Essay 7 – Impact & Interdependence of
Social Factors & Engineering
8 April 2008

Social factors and engineering relate to each other on many levels. Many times there are latent consequences nested in engineering decisions. When this is the case, it may cause the engineering team to reevaluate certain factors; there are more variables involved than initially considered. This may lead to missed deadlines, extended product development time, or recalls, depending on when the new information is acquired.

On occasion, the latent social function of an invention may not be physically dangerous, and even profitable for some. Consider the internet. It was created as a means of communication in times of crisis by the government. Now, less than 50 years after its inception, the world wide web has been branded as an integral part of every day life for a large part of the world. We use it to communicate with each other, shop, and in some cases, we use it to keep track of our life. A negative latent function of the internet is predators who prey on children via social channels such as instant messaging and networking sites.

In an effort to curb some of this activity, the service providers now include disclaimers which aim to nullify any attempts to hold them responsible for the actions of those who abuse their service. There are age restrictions and rules, which cannot truly be enforced in a virtual atmosphere, because anyone can be whomever they choose in cyberspace. However, once a person agrees to the terms of use of the service, it is equivalent to signing a contract, which does effectively protect the provider from legal action.

Another latent function of the internet is pornography. Every second $3,075.64 is spent on internet porn. That is $96,993,383,040 per year (for clarification, that's ninety-six billion, nine hundred ninety three million, three hundred eighty three thousand forty dollars per year...thought seeing it in words might add another dimension to the gravity of this number). Thatsa lotsa porn-a!

This number may be used as a barometer to measure the world's moral disintegration as well. Almost $100,000,000,000 per year is being spent to watch people partake in a private act, of which the natural intention is procreation. Not to mention the sites which highlight acts which are NOT meant for procreation (I won't go into those in this paper...but you can imagine). There are rehabilitation centers for people “addicted to porn.” This was not so much of a problem before the internet became such an integral part of our lives. However, due to the epic-scale ethical decay which plagues our world today, many new jobs were created. Psychiatrists and porn-rehab specialists now have something to do because of the internet porn business.

Don't get the wrong idea; I'm not bashing porn. I enjoy it quite regularly actually. But I neither pay nor get paid for it, so I'm not contributing to these staggering numbers. Now, if lotion sales were included in these figures, that might be another story. But I digress...

There are plenty of other, less sexual examples of the interdependence of social factors and engineering, porn and the internet is one of the most prominent relationships when this topic is brought up. As I mentioned, the internet is a prominent part of most Americans' lives. And anyone who uses the internet regularly is aware of the overwhelming presence of sex. Random thought: Good thing we're not as dependent on porn as we are on foreign oil – then we'd ALL be fucked...with no lubrication.

Ethics in Engineering - A Story, as Told by Thomas Phillips

Thomas Phillips
Essay 5 – Ethics in the Engineering Process
19 February 2008

Ethics is a very important issue in terms of engineering. Engineers are entrusted with the safety and well-being of millions of people. Any concerns of an ethical nature should be fully investigated and thought out before any plan goes into effect.

Percy O. Sullivan makes microwaves. He has been in the industry for ten years, has shown some resilience in the market, and emerged as a true competitor. To get a better edge on the competition, POS Microwaves decides to try to cut their overhead by saving money on parts. Percy assembles a team of engineers to research the matter and present their findings to him so that he can make an informed decision. There are big perks in it for the employee who finds the best cost savings.

Laura is in charge of finding a replacement door for the POS Microwave. She has narrowed it down to two choices: one which costs a whole dollar less than the current one, and another which is a mere 10 cents less. She conducts trials and finds some interesting facts. The much cheaper door melts after 20 minutes of continuous microwaving. The plastic melts, bubbles, and explodes outward, spraying whoever is standing within a 10 foot radius of the blast with molten hot plastic. The other door is rated for 60 minutes of microwaving before the same thing happens. Laura is faced with making the decision. She weighs her options: on one side, she rationalizes that no one will ever leave the microwave running that long uninterrupted in real life anyway, so the cheaper door may be a suitable alternative. On the other hand, it is always best to err on the side of caution; assume that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Knowing all of this, Laura still goes with the cheaper door. Within the first week of this unit’s release, the company has 16 lawsuits to deal with, and the POS Microwave is quickly recalled.

Mark is the heading up the initiative to find a new power supply for the POS Microwave. He has done the appropriate research, conducted trials, and narrowed it down to three choices. The first one costs much less, but does not perform satisfactorily, so he decides against it. The next candidate met all the criteria, and was at a slight cost-savings. And the third contender costs slightly more than all of them, performs just as good as number 2, but the company is owned by Mark’s nephew. Mark knows that this would raise the issues of nepotism, which is a major ethical concern, so he decides to go with the second power supply. Mr. Sullivan gives Mark a raise and a promotion over the entire power supply department.

Amazingly, Laura is not fired. It turns out that Mr. Sullivan was having sexual relations with Laura the entire time she was employed there. As a matter of fact, that is how she got the job; her degree is in General Tomfoolery from Sumdum University. Mr. Sullivan’s judgment on this matter is highly unethical. Lucky for him, he and Laura have managed to keep their relationship a secret.

Later, Mark suggests that they buy his nephew’s small business, and the boss agrees. The company grows exponentially, and they all live happily ever after.

This One Time, At My Ol Dude's Crib. . . (30 May 2009)

So much hilarity happens at my Ol Dude's crib, I figure it deserves an ongoing segment on the blog.

This morning, I was over there working in the garage. I was building a storage shelf to put in my basement. He was kinda helping, but not really. At about 10:30, he says he has to go take my cousin to work. About 5 seconds after getting in the car and backing up about 10 feet, he stops abruptly and jumps out:

(And this is where the hilarity ensues)


Ol Dude: Ay man! There's a CAT in my car somewhere! I can HEAR it, but don't SEE it!
Me: HA!

So we start looking all over the car, in the back seat, I knock on the hood, thinking maybe it crawled up in the engine or somethin. I still didn't hear it, but I figure if he was that convinced, that there MUST be a cat in this muhfucka somewhere. So he pops the trunk, and before I can say "hol up, lemme get outta the way," this big ass white furball bolts outta the trunk and down the driveway.

Talk
about
DYING
with
laughter. . .
I thought I was gonna kick the bucket right then and there in the driveway with my dad and this strange ass trunk-cat watching.

Ol Dude: MAN IT WAS A GODDAMN CAT IN MY TRUNK!!! THAT MUTHAFUCKA PISSED AND SHITTED ALL IN MY SHIT!!!

Me: LMAOLMAOLMAO

Ol Dude: ::continuing tirade of anger:: HOW THE HELL DID IT GET IN THERE???

Me: ::unable to form intelligible sentences because of inhibitive laughter:: LMAOLMAOLMAO

Ol Dude: Man clean this shit out my trunk. Gimme yo car keys!

That trunk was so fulla cat urine and feces, it was ridiculous. I almost stopped laughing, it was so much cat shit in there. . . . almost. And as I'm cleaning up, the cat is still lurking around lookin at me like "Please let me back in :-(" So I chased it away with a metal pipe.

And don't get it twisted; I had every intention on beating that pussy. . . cat.

Ol Dude's house is always full of comedy.

"Who Am I. . . " 10 September 1999

Funny how not much has changed in 10 years. . . I have always written stupid papers.

My name is Thomas Phillips. I am a senior here at Renaissance. I have been going here since I was a freshman. It's a pretty cool place, I guess. The only real complaint that I have is the dismissal time. It has changed at least three times since I have been here. In 9th grade it was 3:15. I don't remember what happened after that, but I know it wasn't that time all year. Then, when I was in 10th grade, they went crazy and changed it to 3:51. After much protest, they changed it to 3:21. I would like to get out earlier, but this is tolerable.

In my opinion, I am a very likeable person. Occasionally, I get a little static from "The Haters." Speaking of haters, I try to avoid them. Haters bring drama. I don't need that. They can go to hell for all I care, straight up. Generally, I am laid back and nonchalant. I like to get adjusted to my surroundings before I make myself noticed. So, if I seem shy, just wait a couple weeks, it will wear off. I am very silly, once you get to know me.

I have many hobbies. The sports that I like the most are basketball and football. I do not play on a team anywhere, but I play on the block with my friends. When I think back on my 9th and 10th grade years, I believe that I should have tried out for the teams. Now, I am a little intimidated to try out this late in high school. I feel that if I was going to play, I should have played in the 9th or 10th grade.

Another one of my hobbies is computers. I enjoy working with them. I will most likely make a career out of it. I'm trying to learn how to make my own programs and stuff like that. Maybe I will make a virus and have it on the news or something. That would be pretty cool.

I am active in the instrumental program here at Renaissance. I am a member of the symphony band, jazz band, and marching band. I like it except for the fact that I have to be here at 7:00 in the morning some days. Last year we went to Disney World. That was a nice trip. The total cost was only $480. We did fundraisers to cover the majority of it though.

When I graduate, I want to go to U of M. I will probably major in computer engineering and minor in something to do with business. I want to get a master's degree in my major. I may take over my father's company when I graduate from college, or hold a high position in a large computer company. Either way, I want to be rich. If I get married, my wife will be super fine with an excellent body. I'm not going to have a dumb broad either. My wife will be independent and educated as well. I want to have two or three children. I have big dreams for the future.

The Sexually-Transmitted, Dancing Turtle Cancer

An essay I wrote last year. It actually starts out like a serious paper (first 3 paragraphs). . . . then I got bored

Thomas Phillips

Essay 4 – Engineering Design,

Manufacturing Process, &

Material Selection

25 March 2008

Engineering design, manufacturing processes, and material selection are three important things to take into consideration in the engineering process. The layman may not directly appreciate the effort that goes into ensuring that these factors are not overlooked, but the repercussions are definitely felt when they are ignored.

Let's start with engineering design. When a product is properly designed, it functions as expected. Therefore, the user may not recognize the thought that went into making sure the design was sufficient to carry out its intended purpose. For example, compare the MPC laptop issued by LTU with a MacBook pro. There are many differences between the two, but the one of interest for this conversation is the cooling system. On the MPC, the fan vent is directly on the bottom of the computer. If a person sets this laptop on their lap, or any soft surface, it will undoubtedly block the flow of air, and the computer becomes very hot. This could cause damage to the internal components or possibly (albeit, unlikely) injuries to the user. This machine was engineered with the function of cooling the computer in mind, but at the inconvenience of the human using the machine.

The MacBook Pro, on the other hand, is engineered with the user in mind. There are internal fans, but they do not ventilate onto the user's lap. The system is designed such that a user can use this laptop in the lap. Mac users may not have noticed this, because they have never had to deal with the inconsiderations of another notebook manufacturer. However, most MPC users have at some point had their laptop overheat because they left it on their lap, couch, floor, or other soft surface for an extended period of time.

Manufacturing process is very important in terms of the environment. Investigation must be done before production commences to find out the latent effects of mass-producing. Also, the disposal of any by-products or waste created in the process must be taken into account. For example, Pfeiffer Incorporated (a totally imaginary company) has just gotten FDA approval on a formula to cure HIV and all types of cancer. They call it the “WE'RE ALL RICH BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS!!^©” pill. In an effort to make as money as quickly as poss—I mean, in order to cure as many people as possible, as quickly as possible, Pfeiffer Inc, decides to rush into mass-producing the WARBOWD^© pill. The pill goes into circulation, and in 6 months, 93% of all reported HIV and cancer is eradicated.

Eight months after the release, people in Dirtpile, Oklahoma start reporting cancer in alarming rates. The by-product of the fumes generated by making the anti-cancer medicine created a mutation of cancer. It is now airborne as well as sexually transmitted. However, instead of killing its host, this new supercancer causes those infected to grow giant turtle shells on their backs and dance hysterically in the streets. In an effort to stop the spread of the Super Turtle Dancing-Cancer, President Ron Paul declares a state of emergency, builds a giant glass box around Dirtpile, Oklahoma, and fills it partially with water. The powers that be decide to make this into an attraction, and millions of people from around the world come to visit every year. Vice President Perot just happens to own a giant aquarium manufacturing company, so this just happens works out well in the end...but we see how it COULD have ended up badly.

Bus Log: Fri 3 April 2009

Haven't gotten on DDOT/ Smart in a while, so I figured I'd give it a go.

I got on right by the crib, at 6 Mile and Evergreen. As I board the bus, I notice the driver is slumped over, talking on her phone, not really paying attention to who's getting on the bus, or how much they pay. I'm broke, so I had to pay in all nickles. And since I took the time to count all that shit out prior to getting on the bus, I took my time and made sure I paid my correct fare. Why the bitch look annoyed???

Driving down the street, she's just talkin on her phone, loud and ghetto as hell, missing stops, running lights, it was awful. . . but hilarious.

I never noticed the terrible names for some of the businesses on 6 Mile. The stretch between Southfield and Wyoming has all types of establishments with utterly ridiculous and/ or completely unoriginal shit outside. Here are a few:

• The Building
• Pacemaker Accounting
• There was a big banner reading "Loose Chitlins"
• Mini Mart's Meat is Hard to Beat (my personal favorite)
• The A Spot (Hair salon?)
• There was a CCW ad painted on the side of "The Building" with a gun pointing to the right. Directly to the right of the CCW ad was a youth ministry ad
  
• 6 Mile and Livernois. Nicky D's Coney Island. RIGHT across the street from McDonald's!!!!! They must have had some legal issue, because their sign used to be half of the Golden Arches, shaped like a lower-case "n." Wish I had a pic. Now, they changed it to some other shit. Still quite comical.
• On Woodward - Notorious Unisex Salon. I NEVER want anything to do with a place in HP called "Notorious"

Enter Highland Park.

You can always tell heroine addicts. I could be off about this, but whenever I see a shady looking, unshaven white person in the middle of the hood, I just assume "Yeah, he's looking for some heroine." Is it just me???

There is a building on 6 Mile, between Hamilton and Woodward that has been burnt down, boarded up, and burnt down again. Outside of this building is a crudely spray painted "Bldg for sale." A practicing arsonist wouldn't want this building! The only people I could think of who would want it are the crackheads, to have someplace scary to do their crack, or rats, for a breeding ground. There wasn't any contact info anyway, so. . .

I really think there is a secret society of arsonists who come to Highland Park to practice their arsonry. They get it down to a science in HP, then disperse throughout the country, setting fires for the government, police cover-ups, and California wildfires.

I think people still LIVE in some of the burnt up houses. They've just adapted, like some people learn to live with roaches. "We just don't use the upstairs no mo since it got firebombed." And they go on living as if nothing happened.

In between a burnt up house and a burnt down lot where a burnt up house used to be, and across the street from a burnt up tree, there is a sign which reads "The City of Highland Park Working for You."

HOW??? NOTHING in this city works!!! That sign is like calling someone ugly who was recently face-mauled by a pitt bull!

Transferring to the Woodward bus, I saw Slick Rick's daddy. He was wearing a bucket hat, dark lokes, Used jeans with a fuckin Cadillac patch, and mad beauty supply jewelry. And was listening to a Walkman tape player. Probably to the Gap Band.

As I exited the bus, I noticed this:



MAN I missed taking the bus. . .

Bus Log: Thu 26 March 2009 - Vegas Edition

Location: Las Vegas - The Strip - Double Decker bus - Upstairs

Me, Ralph, Jay, Kelv, and Ant are on the bus goin down the strip. No seats downstairs, so me and Ralph go upstairs. Soon as we get up there, we pass this dude who looks JUST like Ice-T. Moments later, almost on cue, this redneck who looks like Larry the Cable Guy walks up with his wife and sits directly behind Ice-T.

Ralph: Time to bring back the bus log??
Me: Indeed. ::pull out the iPhone to take notes::



Now that the stage is set, all we have to do is sit back and observe. Soon as Ice-T sits down

Larry the Cable Guy: ::very southern backwoods drawl:: Man, you look just like SNOOP DOGG!

Me & Ralph: ::trying not to explode in laughter::
Ice-T: ::looks back:: Aw man HELL naw! You even know who Snoop Dogg is???
LCG: Oh HAYLL YEAH BUUDDY! Ah seen 'um once on tha TeeVee!
Ice: So you should know iont look nothin LIKE dat nigga den!

This continues for a while. After some time, they found common ground and ended up being buddies. There was a couple of rich white folks sittin right near them, but they got sick of the shenanigans and moved up to the front, mumbling "damn rednecks!"

I laughed aloud.

Ice-T's phone rings: Gorilla Zoe talkin bout "HOOD NIGGA!!. . . " loud as hell. He lets it play for a good 10 seconds, doin the LA/ west coast arms-in-the-air-lazy-sway. I smack my forehead and cover my face.

Ice: What up?. . . . Uh huh?. . . . Aw HELL NAW NIGGA!!. . . . Oh fa sho. . . . Ay tell dat nigga. . . . etc.

RIGHT after he hangs up, Larry the Cable Guy's phone rings. His ringer sounded like a cordless phone from 1993.

LCG: Hal-low?!

Everybody on the bus starts crackin up. It really seems like they're puttin this show on for us. I started looking for cameras at this point. They continue the comradery, and start talkin about people outside the bus. Now, everybody in the upstairs is amused by the pair.

Ice: (Noticing a chunky girl jogging down the street.) Shit, her fat ass need to run FASTER!

LMAO! This was the only one I could remember, but it was the best one.

Then Larry the Cable Guy starts talkin about his hydrocodone prescription, wondering if he could get it filled out here. That was funny for some reason.

We had to get off the bus before them, but it was a hilariously fun time. Thank you Larry the Cable Guy and Ice-T - you are true American heroes.

Writing Proficiency

This is a real exam I took this afternoon, which I need to pass in order to graduate. . .

WRITING PROFICIENCY EXAM (COM3000)

Date: 31 March 2009 Start Time: 12:30pm

Your Banner ID:

Before proceeding use SAVE AS (under File, then Save As) and name this file your Banner ID. (eg, ZZ987654321).

Make sure to give your essay a title. Begin writing below this line:

Other Applications of Katrina Cottages

After Hurricane Katrina in 2001, the US Government had one of the worst response rates to a natural disaster ever. The storm forced people out of their homes and into makeshift shelters such as the Super Dome. Once the few established havens were filled to capacity, people had no choice but to live (and die) in the streets.

Once FEMA actually did arrive, their solution for temporary housing was far from ideal. Many of the FEMA-provided trailers had fundamental problems, and thus, were considered uninhabitable. In an effort to help in future disaster situations, private companies have now begun selling small, easy-to-build homes for use in exactly this type of scenario.

“Katrina Cottages,” as they are called, were developed in direct response to the failed effort by the Federal Government to provide shelter to the people of New Orleans affected by Hurricane Katrina. They range in size from 308 square feet to 1,807 square feet, and have as many as five bedrooms. While temporary disaster housing is one application for this product, it definitely has other uses.

The universe is huge, and the likelihood that humans are the only intelligent life is very slim. In the event that other organisms are more advanced than we are, they will probably visit Earth before we find them. In this scenario, we should have lodging available for them upon their arrival. Katrina Cottages are the perfect solution. Our extraterrestrial friends will enjoy the same comfort and amenities experienced by displaced and low-income Earth families. Leaps and bounds better than a FEMA trailer, the housing units are equipped with running water and electricity, and some even come with a covered porch. Our intergalactic guests can sip cool Earth lemonade in the shade while learning the best game our planet has to offer: bid-whist. What could be better?!

After a week of our Earthly hospitality, the aliens reveal to us that they are a band of interplanetary pirates, whose original intention was to come and destroy our planet, rape our natural resources, and leave us a barren, deserted, and dead world, as they had done in countless other galaxies. However, because of our comfortable amenities, they change their minds, and instead, decide to shower us with the latest technological advances, such as Playstation^® 7 and light sabers.

Another application of the Katrina Cottages is in the area of group housing. Nuns, ex-convicts, and whores alike all live in community settings which Katrina Cottages would adequately fit the bill. I do not know about everyone else, but I smell a reality TV show.

"Nuns, Gunnz & Hoes" premiers, based on the premise of the members of a convent, a halfway house, and a whorehouse all living together under one Katrina Cottage roof. The concept catches on like wildfire, and millions watch season 1. For season 2, MTV decides to expand to three cottages. This process continues for five more seasons.

By this time, MTV has the resources to buy tens of thousands of these all over the world, pairing the unlikeliest of people within its confines, and all the while keeping the cameras rolling. The benefits are tremendous! Local economies flourish because of the injection of new money being spent by MTV roadies and crew. Not to mention, the entertainment value is phenomenal.

Eventually, there are so many new shows that MTV has to expand to at least 38 stations. MTV outgrows, and eventually buys Viacom. Next, they apply to become a sovereign nation, and when the UN disagrees, MTV simply destroys its opposition with heat death ray guns (another gift from the friendly aliens). After making the astute realization that the organization is not a country, a shy (but incredibly handsome) entry-level employee from the former Detroit suggests the newly formed establishment call itself The Evil Empire of MTV. Those in charge love it, and the name sticks. Having graduated from Lawrence Technological University’s College of Engineering, he was required to take Technical and Professional Communications, as well as pass a Writing Proficiency Exam. Because of these two things, he was able to adeptly express his thoughts in writing to the upper management. The handsome young man works his way up the evil corporate ladder, and after just two short years, earns the title of Darth Thomas.

Clearly, Katrina Cottages have the capacity to drastically change the world. From housing a rogue band of intergalactic alien pirates bent on annihilating all life outside of themselves, to unwittingly fostering the destruction of our own society by an evil homegrown corporation, these ingenious houses definitely have a place in our world. Our main responsibility is to utilize them in the proper applications. The goal is to see a need and fulfill it, which is exactly what Katrina Cottages have the ability to do.

A Simple Algorithm for Understanding Love Through the Use of the Implementation of Logic Functions written in Pseudo C++

(I had to use dots because punkass HTML doesn't recognize tabs or whitespace)


for (ever)
{
..... if (you && me == true)
..... {
.......... love = us;
.......... go to happyEverAfter;
..... }

..... else if ((you && me == true) && (you && someoneElse == true))
..... {
.......... ERROR!;
.......... go to heartBreak;
..... }

..... else
..... {
.......... you + me != us;
.......... go to heartBreak;
..... }

..... while ((you == happy) && (you == smiling))
..... {
.......... me --> tryingToKeepThat == true;
.......... if (lieToYou == true, but you == stillHappyCuzYouDontKnowImLyingToYou)
.......... then
............... lieToYou;
.......... else if (you = !happy because lieToYou)
............... lieToYouAgain;
.......... until
............... you = happy;
..... }
}


happyEverAfter(you, me)
{
..... while (yourHappiness >= myHappiness)
.......... continue happyEverAfter;
..... else
.......... ERROR!
.......... go to heartBreak;
}

heartBreak (you, me)
{
.......... while (youIgnoreMe == true)
.......... infinite loop
.......... {
............... call you;
............... text you;
............... email you;
............... visit your family randomly;
............... deny stalking youo;
............... if (youCallCops)
.................... BREAK;
.......... }
}

return 0;

Dream Log - 12 Feb 2009

I didn't think this dream log thing would catch on. I had one entry, and then, magically, all my dreams got boring.....until last night.

I had a dream that there were cats in my back yard trying to get into the house everytime I opened the back door. And whenever I went out, they would talk to me.

One of them said, in a real smooth voice "ay man, you can let us in! we cool!"

So I acted like I was about to let them in (not at all weirded out at the fact that the fuckin cat was talking to me) then tried to slam the door on one as he walked through the doorway.

Unfortunately he got through, and said "ay man, you tried to slam that door on me? not cool, man." But he wasn't angry. Just kinda bummed that I tried to kill him. Then I said "hey, can you leave back out real quick?" Then after he left out, I said "Ok, now come back." And when he did, I slammed him in the door. I did this with at least 2 of his buddies as well. Cats in my dreams are dumber than in real life, I think.

So after I put them all in garbage bags and rolled the dumpster around, they started talking to me again. "Hey man, you can't just throw us away. We gon get out and come right back to yo backyard again." Then the garbage truck came.

Hell yeah I punch my bitch! AND beat my kids in public!

Welcome back you say? Indeed.

Let's get into it.

We all heard about the Chris Brown/ Rihanna incident. I have personally taken the stance that my dude was set up. The same "man" who framed Mike Tyson, 2Pac, OJ, Killa Kwame, C-Murder, and various others has worked his mojo again, this time to frame C. Breezy. He was in cahoots with Rihanna, made her beat herself in the face with a sock filled with California oranges, and say sweet lil CB did it. . . however he IS from the country, and we know how THEY giddown. . . . .

But in the event that he DID do it. . .

Celebrities should know better than doin this kinda shit. Next thing we know, it'll be the biggest craze since saggy pants. "Chris Brown beat up on his bitch, you think EYE won't???" or whatever. . . Kids these days are fuckin dumb as shit, so who knows how this shit will go over.

Violence towards women is not funny. I think it's horrible, and most of all, I hope it's not true. I've heard all types of reports in the last couple of days. I've heard her injuries were life-threatening, then that was retracted, he DIDN'T hit her, and her injuries were from a car accident, he beat her with an umbrella (possibly a bad joke, later retracted), and that she was mauled by a bear.

In other news, let's hope this was R. Kelly. . . just kidding. They say he was Pakistani.