Bus Log: 13 Oct 2008

Been kinda slippin on posting the bus logs. This is a compilation of the best of the last two weeks or so.

• The Human Punchline

At Northland in the morning, this guy walks up talkin on his phone really obnoxiously loud for no reason. First of all, it's 8 in the morning. STFU talkin so GOTdamn loud! Secondly, STFU! I just KNEW he had to be joking with his conversation. He was seriously like Walking Blaxploitation. I don't even think he was on the phone with anybody. I think he's just a fan of the Bus Logs and wanted to see if he could make it. Congratulations asshole, you did it! Here's some of his stupidity:


• "I don't play no games. Ion't even play PLAYSTATION, ya dig?"


• "I tell a bitch to jump off a tall bridge to a short curb, ya dig?"


• "I keep it mighty clean wit da gangsta LEAN, ya dig?"


• "I'm a skinny nigga, but I'm heavy.....ya dig?"



• Fly ass Midget

Same day, evening. This lil midget hobbles up to the bus on crutches. And I nearly pissed my pants thinking "How is he gonna climb up on this muthafucka???" I wanted to pick him up like my nephew like "there ya go lil man" and then steal his fly ass baby clothes. He had on a dope ass Rocawear jacket, some nice jeans, and a fitted. I didn't even know they MADE fitteds that small. He looked like Allen Iverson's evil mini-clone. (If he was really evil, I don't know. Just makes sense that midgets are evil...now I hope I don't have nightmares about evil midgets attacking my shins tonight)


• Unfit Mother

At the Fairlane bus stop. This young mother gets off the bus in the rain with her child in a stroller, uncovered. The child is getting rained on. This dumb bitch noticed a spot of dirt on her Prada galoshes, pulls out a bottle of water, and cleans her boots off BEFORE covering up her baby from the rain.


• Half-Hat Idiot

Same day, same stop - Fairlane. This fool gets off the bus in the cold and rain with his skull cap halfway on his head, so you can see his waves I guess. IT'S FUCKIN RAINING, DIPSHIT! What's the point of wearing a hat if it's not ON your head??? Maybe I'm just gettin old. WTF???


• Bluebraids

OK, now this shit REALLY had me trippin. First of all, it was like the first cold day of the fall, AND it was the day the hoe ass DDOT employees decided to stage their half-assed-not-quite-a-strike strike. So buses were RUNNING, but late and infrequent as hell. . . as the fuck usual.

Anyway, I had been standing on the corner of Grand River and Warren with idiot ass high schoolers for about an hour, when this broad comes walking up. SHE had half her head braided black and half braided......wait for it.....ELECTRIC FUCKING BLUE! I was beside myself. Seizing the opportunity, I picked up my phone, started the camera, and pretended to make a phone call. As I walked by her, repeatedly, I took pictures. Ion't wanna hear nobody like "Ay man, that's my COUSIN! Take that shit down!" Fuck dat. Tell THAT bitch get a real hairstyle. Enjoy.






• The Incompetent Stowaway

On the Grand River bus, morning. Everything seems normal. It's a pretty nice day outside, the bus is crowded, but not OVER-crowded. I'm reading my book. Everything is fine and dandy. Everything is going so well, I didn't realize that we were stopped on the side of the road for 5 minutes. I guess nobody else noticed either, until one nigga...


• One Nigga: AY BUS DRIVA! BUS DRIVA!!! WHAT WE STOPPED FO MAN?!
  Another: YEAH BUS DRIVA! WHAT WE STOPPED FO MAN?!
  ON: COME ON MAN WHY U HOLDIN US UP BABY?!
  Bus Driva: Ain't ME holdin yall up, it's YALL holdin yall up
  Everybody::Confused silence::
  ON:AWW COME ON BUS DRIVA BABY! WHATCHU MEAN WE HOLDIN US UP?! MAN I GOT MOVES TO MAKE BABY! ::wipes nose::
  BD: Yall need to talk to dude who refused to pay. I ain't movin till he get off this bus or pay his fare.
  Angry Mob ::collectively, sensing the opportunity for blood:: AW SHEIT! WHO IS IT BUS DRIVA?! TELL US WHO IT IS! WE'LL GET HIM OFF!! POINT HIM OUT!!
  BD: ::adjusts his mirror to see the bus::
  ON: Yeah let us know baby...We'll get his ass offa here!
  
  ...... suspense ......
  
  
  ...... suspense ......
  
  BD: ::points:: Him.
  ON: ME?!?! I PAID you man! ::goes to pay his fare:: Man why u ain't TELL me I ain't pay you, bus driva man?! I woulda PAID u mane!
  
  Aw man I laughed my ever-lovin ASS off AAAAALL the way downtown at this fool.
  
  



• Conspiring Bum

This wasn't actually on the bus, but outside Union Street Grill on Woodward, Monday night when I was approached by a druggy-looking woman with a clipboard.


• Druggy:
Askuse me surr, we iz tryyyyin ta bild a shelta fa battered womens. woudju giv....
Me: No.



I wouldn't have been so cold had the circumstances surrounding her story not been so....shady. First of all, it's about 10pm, raining, and she was OBVIOUSLY a [insert drug of choice here]-head. Who the hell collects for any organization at 10pm in the rain outside a restaurant??? This woman found a clipboard and a pen, and thought she had hit a MAD lick. That clipboard was gon be her tool to prosperity!

...idiot...