Bus Log: Tue 07 Oct 2008 - Return to HP

Taking McNichols to Woodward today instead of Grand River straight down. This route takes me directly through the heart of Highland Park, or as I like to call it, "The Land of WTF???"

Not much activity on the 6 Mile bus, but when I transferred onto Woodward, I made the decision to not get on the DDOT, but I opted to wait for a Smart.

And the ignorance ensued shortly thereafter. . .

I walked to my seat near the back of the bus, and there's this old man sitting dead center in the back, taking up 3 of the 5 seats. He's not big, just got his legs spread wide open, so no one can sit to his immediate left or right. There are people in both corners though, a woman on the left and a guy on the right. Old guy is wearing a button-up that looks like an old No-Limit album cover. It's bright orange, rayon and has a New York Interstate sign and a naked woman on it.

He's already talking

Ugly Shirt: . . .jumped out, SHOT THAT MUTHAFUCKA WITTA 38!
Woman to Left: Fo REAL?
US: YOU ever shot a chicken before???
W: Nah.
Man to Right: I ain't neva SHOT one, but I sho do kill a Church's Tuesday Special!

...during this time, I'm struggling to keep up, typing shorthand all that I can in my phone. People HAVE to realize that I'm taking notes on them when they're doin this crazy shit.

US: Sheeit, if I get hungry enough, I'll eat HER! ::points to Woman to Left::
WL: ::unamused, with alarmed look in her eyes, turns to ignore him::
US: Yep, if I was starvin, I'd start wit them two lil fingers, pop em in my mouth and eat em! How bout u man? Whassisname. . . DAHMER did it! And she a beautiful guh too!

LMAO WTF does being beautiful have to do with eating (non-sexually, of course) a person alive??? Do beautiful people taste better??

US: Sheeit, man my daddy from Alabama, and my mama from Arkansas - I can eat a raw steak! Uon't believe me do u? Man if I put some salt and pepper on it, some seasonin salt, Iont even need no stove!
MR: So you eat raw meat?
US: Well not a WHOOOOLE lot, but I can DO it.
MR: You like vegetables too?
US: Yeah I like em. But BLOOD keep us alive! If u run out, how long u think u'll be here???
MR: So you would never be a vegetarian huh?
US: ::looked like his feelings were hurt:: NAW! Man I'm a MEAT man!! Man they tell u shit bad for u and it really don't be! Lookit bottled water. Shit, man u take some water out the faucet, put it in the fij-a-rater, whatchu got?? Bottled water.
Me: ::taking a sip of my bottled water, hoping to catch his attention::
US: Looka here - aaawwls u gotta do, go out the country, dig a hole, u got good water! HERE, u gon find a skeleton! And if u got a choice, u gon live or die???

Other highlights

• Gray Tufts
  This lady is on the bus with thinning, VERY gray hair. . . with jet black braided ponytail extensions.



• Hood President
  Some idiot wrote "Jon MacCaine - 7 Mile President." ....gotta admit, this asshole is kinda creative.

Lessons I've Learned the Hard Way

• 1.) Curious people should not iron naked.


• 2.) Re: #1 - Nipples DO scab


• 3.) Cialis is not for young men. You will murder someone
  (. . .from what I hear. . .)


• 4.) That warning label on the bottle of 151 is not for decoration - it IS actually flammable. . . . . VERY flammable, in fact.


• 5.) Air spray does not kill bees, only angers them.


• 6.) If you know there are centipedes where you sleep, do not do a Google Image search on centipedes before going to bed.


• 7.) You cannot cook the "spoil" out of meat. If it smells bad BEFORE you cook it, abort the mission - eat a bowl of cereal instead.


• 8.) Red Bull on an empty stomach makes your (my) balls hurt for some reason.

I hope someone finds this knowledge useful and avoids some of the situations I've had to face.

Godspeed.

Bus Log: Mon 29 Sep 2008

Monday.

Bus was kinda crowded, this guy gets on and clambers his way to the back. Not drunk, just big and clumsy. He was very dark, but I think more of it was dirt than pigment. . . . but I don't think he was a bum. Right behind him, but not with him were these two girls. One looked like a female Rerun from What's Happening (we'll call her She-run), the other was just a generic, garden-variety hood rat (um.....wtf - Ghettonya).

These three would provide the entertainment for today's bus ride.

From the time they got situated, Dirt is tryin to talk to She-Run and Ghettonya.

D: Yeah baby u see that car over there? I could buy you one-a-dem.
S & G: ::giggling:: fa real? Where yours at?

They were playfully flirting with each other. . . disgusting the shit outta me. There's nothing more unsettling than to witness ugly people flirting.

S: So what u do? How u make yo money baby?
D: Oh I own a restaurant baby.
G: A RESTAURANT?! You got roaches?
D: Yop. Rats too. I fry DEM muhfuckas. Put some hot sauce on em, throw em between some bread - gotchu a rat sammich.
G: Oh, so you'll eat ANYTHING huh?
D: Nah, not ANYTHING, baby ;-)
(Insinuating he wouldn't eat no COOCHIE, but he'd eat a rat - I don't get that. . . but whatever)

D: ::lights a MUTHAFUCKIN cigarette::
S & G: UH UUH! u gotta put that OUT!
G: ::looks to me:: Sir, can you open that window? He stank! What you readin? You go to school? Where you go?
Me: ::dryly:: Lawrence Tech
S: Oooh! I know where dat is! Lookit u botherin dis smart man readin his book!

I just realized that I'm becoming increasingly efficient at ignoring people. I think they mighta said more to or about me at this point, but I was really trying to understand Master-Slave and Edge-Triggered D Flip-Flops. So I wasn't TRYING to be rude, I just didn't give a fuck whether or not I was.

...... Later in the ride ......
Ghettonya pulls out her Metro PieCe of Shit cell phone and plays THE most ignant shit this side of Too $hort that this world has ever heard. . . LOUD and proud.

The bus is transformed into the club. These fuckas are dancing by the back door, singin the lyrics loud as hell and just engaging in general cooniggardry.

There were even some celebrities in attendance. Rip "MC Eiht" Hamilton and Raheem Soulchild turn around and get involved. Don't know what they said, but they looked just like their names imply.

The disgusting ugly people flirtfest continued, and Ghettonya and She-Run really seemed to be amused by DirtStank's antics.

D: ::to Ghettonya:: Girl, I'd. . . ::whispers something in her ear while swaying his head from side to side::
G: ::snaps back:: Aww HEELLL naw! ::giggles:: you bouta make me go back ta JAIL for the 5th time!
D: Fa real baby. And I told u I got 3 cars! You my woman! I'ma take care of u!
G: Could I drive yo car if I'm yo woman?
D: Hell yeah!

I stopped listening again, then DirtStank got off the bus and Ghettonya and She-Run started talkin to MC Eiht Hamilton and Raheem Soulchild.

Legally Palin/ Joker McCain

Time for some good ol' conspiracy theories. . . here's a couple just to keep you wondering.

• The Republicans are trying to throw this election on purpose. They realize that they messed up, and want to let the Democrats fix their mess. They can't publicly roll over, so they at least pretend to put up a fight.
  
  Seriously, take a look at their candidates: If elected, John McCain WILL die before his first term is over. When that happens, we'd have WHO as the Commander in Chief??? You guessed it, Jenna Jameson's alter ego: Sarah Palin. I could see this shit play out like "Legally Blonde 3: Paint the White House Pink. . . TOTALLY!"
  
  
  
  
  International relations would be much lower than they are now. She'd alienate us from Mexico by trying to hire the entire country as our Official Drywallers and Landscapers. She'd accuse every African nation of reckless eyeballing, and France (probably justifiably so) of sexual harassment. She'd continually smack our little brother Canada in the back of the head when he tries to offer us some sensible advice. Eventually she would call for separation from little brother. either by physically cutting the border and pushing him away, or building a 20-foot thick wall along the entire US/ Canadian border. . . . By then, I'll be mayor of Detroit, runnin these cold streets from Windsor. Text me if you need me.
  
  What up Kwame?!


John McCain is the Joker

• He just wears makeup to cover his scars.

Bus Log: Tue 23 Sep 2008

• AIDS Man
  This guy gets on the bus, and the first thing I thought was "This guy has AIDS." Don't know what it is exactly that makes someone LOOK AIDSly, but he had it. Dude was tall, skinny, with light brown badly permed hair, pinned up in a hairnet, wearing a formerly black or dark gray hoodie, which had been bleached. He sits down directly in front of me (making me scared to breathe actually), and I noticed his hairline was like 6" above his collar and he was carrying a GameWorks bag, which I assumed was full of AIDS medicine or drug paraphernalia. . . I guess it could have been video games too, but I doubt it.



• This lady who looked just like Rosa Parks got on the bus. . . and sat BEHIND me. Ironic???



• Random building of the day
  Maceo's Croquettes and Dairy Bar (no lie. Grand River just north/west of Hubbell)



• Disgruntled Drunkard
  So I'm sitting there, looking out the window, when I hear some angry, drunken, profane mutterings, "I'll kick yo ass!." I look back and see this guy SPRAWLED out across the entire back seat. Drunk as hell. I immediately pulled out my phone and started taking notes. A lady got on the bus with her small child and walked towards the back. I guess I COULDA warned her, and given up my seat, but where's the fun in that? So I just watched. Her face went from unsuspecting smile, to disgustingly frightened. She sat her child next to Rosa Parks and moved away from Drunken Madness. Meanwhile, I'm holding back tears because of the burst of laughter threatening to erupt. I was the ONLIEST muthaf'a on that bus who thought it was HILARIOUS! Everybody else looked concerned, or scared, or otherwise unamused. Here is a partial list of his mutterings.
  
  
  • "I'm like Stevie Wonder - I'll kick yo ass!"
  
  
  • "I'ma kick ALL yall asses!"
  
  
  • "I'ma kick HIS ass!"
  
  
  • "Somebody gon SUFFA!"
  
  
  • Singing random songs. He even did a count off (1, 2, 1-2-3-4!)
  
  
  • "I don't like Murray Wright!" as we passed Murray Wright High School
  
  
  
  And as he exited the bus, I saw his hands, and at first, it looked like he was wearing latex gloves. Turns out he was just ashy as hell. He basically falls off the bus, angrily, then turns back to the bus, with a friendly smile, waves goodbye, and stumbles to the liquor store.
  
  I want him to ride my bus every day. No hobo.