Legally Palin/ Joker McCain

Time for some good ol' conspiracy theories. . . here's a couple just to keep you wondering.

• The Republicans are trying to throw this election on purpose. They realize that they messed up, and want to let the Democrats fix their mess. They can't publicly roll over, so they at least pretend to put up a fight.
  
  Seriously, take a look at their candidates: If elected, John McCain WILL die before his first term is over. When that happens, we'd have WHO as the Commander in Chief??? You guessed it, Jenna Jameson's alter ego: Sarah Palin. I could see this shit play out like "Legally Blonde 3: Paint the White House Pink. . . TOTALLY!"
  
  
  
  
  International relations would be much lower than they are now. She'd alienate us from Mexico by trying to hire the entire country as our Official Drywallers and Landscapers. She'd accuse every African nation of reckless eyeballing, and France (probably justifiably so) of sexual harassment. She'd continually smack our little brother Canada in the back of the head when he tries to offer us some sensible advice. Eventually she would call for separation from little brother. either by physically cutting the border and pushing him away, or building a 20-foot thick wall along the entire US/ Canadian border. . . . By then, I'll be mayor of Detroit, runnin these cold streets from Windsor. Text me if you need me.
  
  What up Kwame?!


John McCain is the Joker

• He just wears makeup to cover his scars.

Bus Log: Tue 23 Sep 2008

• AIDS Man
  This guy gets on the bus, and the first thing I thought was "This guy has AIDS." Don't know what it is exactly that makes someone LOOK AIDSly, but he had it. Dude was tall, skinny, with light brown badly permed hair, pinned up in a hairnet, wearing a formerly black or dark gray hoodie, which had been bleached. He sits down directly in front of me (making me scared to breathe actually), and I noticed his hairline was like 6" above his collar and he was carrying a GameWorks bag, which I assumed was full of AIDS medicine or drug paraphernalia. . . I guess it could have been video games too, but I doubt it.



• This lady who looked just like Rosa Parks got on the bus. . . and sat BEHIND me. Ironic???



• Random building of the day
  Maceo's Croquettes and Dairy Bar (no lie. Grand River just north/west of Hubbell)



• Disgruntled Drunkard
  So I'm sitting there, looking out the window, when I hear some angry, drunken, profane mutterings, "I'll kick yo ass!." I look back and see this guy SPRAWLED out across the entire back seat. Drunk as hell. I immediately pulled out my phone and started taking notes. A lady got on the bus with her small child and walked towards the back. I guess I COULDA warned her, and given up my seat, but where's the fun in that? So I just watched. Her face went from unsuspecting smile, to disgustingly frightened. She sat her child next to Rosa Parks and moved away from Drunken Madness. Meanwhile, I'm holding back tears because of the burst of laughter threatening to erupt. I was the ONLIEST muthaf'a on that bus who thought it was HILARIOUS! Everybody else looked concerned, or scared, or otherwise unamused. Here is a partial list of his mutterings.
  
  
  • "I'm like Stevie Wonder - I'll kick yo ass!"
  
  
  • "I'ma kick ALL yall asses!"
  
  
  • "I'ma kick HIS ass!"
  
  
  • "Somebody gon SUFFA!"
  
  
  • Singing random songs. He even did a count off (1, 2, 1-2-3-4!)
  
  
  • "I don't like Murray Wright!" as we passed Murray Wright High School
  
  
  
  And as he exited the bus, I saw his hands, and at first, it looked like he was wearing latex gloves. Turns out he was just ashy as hell. He basically falls off the bus, angrily, then turns back to the bus, with a friendly smile, waves goodbye, and stumbles to the liquor store.
  
  I want him to ride my bus every day. No hobo.

Bus Log: Wed 21 August 2008 - Thu 22 August 2008

Not very much lately.
Wednesday 21 August 2008

• Got on the bus later than usual today. Should've known the crazies would be out. I'm sitting there with my headphones on when this lady gets on the bus and sits right in front of me. She turns around, looks me in the face, and starts mouthing something. Naturally, I turn my headphones up louder and look out the window. She continues so I say "excuse me?" This broad responds surprised "OH! I wasn't talkin to you. I was just sayin 'Jesus' over and over again. Is your name Jesus?! Sometimes you just gotta say 'Jesus.'"
  
  Over and over again while staring a nigga in the face huh? I knew I shouldn't have acknowledged her; she talked to me for a good five minutes, which seemed like a blistering fucking eternity of nonsensical shit that I did NOT want to hear. She asked was I married.
  "No." I replied.
  "You got a girlfriend?" she asked.
  "Yes."
  "You gon marry her??? How old are you? How old is she?"
  "Probably. I'm 25. She's 26," I said dryly.
  "AND YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE READY TO GET MARRIED?!"
  
  From this point on, I don't know wtf she was talking about. I turned my headphones up again and just nodded every once in a while. Next time I saw her (15 minutes later) she was crying.


Thursday 22 August 2008: Bebe and Her Kids - Woodward/ 8 Mile

• Got to the bus stop this morning and there was a lady with 3 little boys, dirty as hell at 9 in the morning. I'm guessing 10, 8, and 4 years old. At first, she was talking to the oldest one.
  
  Bebe: Well if you need 24 of em and 8 come in a pack, how many packs you need? That's. . . . . . at least 5 right?
  10: I think that's 3 mama.
  Me: ::realizing this is going to be an interesting wait, turn down my headphones::
  
  While this is going on, 8 and 4 are play-fighting. . . . INTENSELY. Matter of fact, f playin; them lil niggas was FIGHTIN! 8 has a big, heavy branch, sharp on one end, hitting 4 with it. 4 counters by punching 8 in the head.
  
  Bebe: JOSH STOP!
  Josh: Hits 4 with the stick again
  4: Slaps Josh in the face, runs in a circle, falls in the dirt, laughing, continues running in circles around Josh.
  Josh: Hits 4 with the stick again
  Bebe: JOSH STOP!
  4: Punches Josh, hides behind me.
  Josh: Starts climbing the fence to the cemetery.
  4: Pulls Josh off the fence
  Bebe: JOSH STOP!
  Josh: Jumps off the fence, turns the sharp end of the stick to 4 and pretends (dangerously close) to stab 4 in the head and face with the stick
  4: Grabs Josh's shirt and pulls him, while Josh is still doing the dangerous stab motion towards his face.
  Bebe: JOSH STOP!
  Josh: ::stops:: I was stabbin him mommy
  
  I just KNEW I was gon see some ghetto-baby blood that day. Glad I didn't though.

Bus Log: Wed 14 Aug 2008 - Evening

Yeah. . . I thought it'd be a while before I could write another one. . . Northland proved me wrong.

The Northland Stop

• Mr. Detroit
  I see this clown like every day. And when I say clown, I mean it. This guy epitomizes "The Detroit Look" that I so despise. Dude looks like Fabolous, but skinnier, and with a more clueless look in his eye. I've seen this fool wear:
  
  
  • A fuschia (#FF00FF) fitted with a periwinkle (#CCCCFF) D, perinkle polo, with AF1s to match
  
  
  • A lavender D fitted, lavender button up, lavender watch face, and lavender shoes
  
  
  • Pink, orange, black D fitted, matching polo, jeans, etc. . . u get the picture
  
  
  
• 80s Boy
  I swear I thought this guy was joking. I saw him get off the bus and at first just thought he had an S-curl. . . . upon further observation, realized m'man had a full-out JHERI curl. And dude was like 16. That might be acceptable for someone in their 40s+, who used to wear it when they were acceptable, and just don't wanna let go. At 16, you were born AFTER they weren't cool anymore, and therefore should know better. . . and it ain't even look good - it was like too long to S, not long enough to Jheri.
  
  Sidebar: I think it's HILARIOUS that a picture of young Michael Jackson pops up when I Google "jheri curl."



• Random Pack of Losers
  OK. These 3 guys walked up to the bus stop, walked through the crowd, and went and stood off to the side. A few girls walked up, these niggas lost their minds! "FUCK!. . . . . SHIT!. . . . . . DAMN!" just yellin loud as hell for the girls to hear em. Three hood lookin ass girls, WITH babies! The leader of The Ignorances struts over, says somethin, pulls out his phone and motions like he tryina ask for her number. LMAO! he never typed nothin though.
  
  Ladies, is shouting profanity at you taken as a compliment?! Lemme know.



• Everest students
  Nothing against Everest. I'm not sure if Everest is an actual school. I think they just dress up in scrubs that say Everest Institute and hang out at Northland bus stop all day. . . . sayin dumb shit.
  
  Example:
  Everest Student 1:Ay nigga when the last time u seen that nigga Joe nigga?
  
  Everest Student 2:Shit nigga, been prolly since high school nigga.
  
  ES1:Nigga i just seent that nigga the other day. That nigga a artist nigga now nigga. Paintin niggas & shit.
  Nigga what about Tanya? U remember her, nigga? Nigga she a MODEL now nigga. Funny that bitch was a ugly ass nigga in high school. Now nigga i wanna bone bad as hell, nigga. Nigga I seen her on "The Book" the other day nigga, lookin bad as HEEEELL nigga!
  
  ES2: "The Book?"
  
  ES1: Facebook, nigga.



• That mysterious weed smell
  
  • That mysterious weed smell
  
  
  • Broad daylight
  
  
  • Does not dissipate

I'm sure there's more. I'll update as I think of it.

Bus Log: Wed 13 August 2008 - Morning

13 August 2008 - 7:13 a.m

There were two guys at the bus stop when I got there this morning. One looked like a light brown-skinned Bald Bull (Mike Tyson's Punchout),









and the other was like a. . . . well, just an old hood rat. Let's call him Rodney.



















I arrived, and nothing was off-kilter for a while. "Good morning," I said. They both replied "Hey man, good morning brotha." That was about the most normal thing they said.

• Random outburst of the morning 1
  Old Hood Rat Rodney: What bus you waitin on man?
  
  Me: The 740 or the 405. Whichever comes first.
  
  Black Bald Bull: ::explodes:: MAN I HATE THAT MUTHAFUCKIN BUS! MY MUTHAFUCKIN WIFE BE ON THAT MUTHAFUCKA!
  
  Me: ::thinking:: "aw sheit"



• Random outburst of the morning 2
  OHRR: (to BBB) Where u get on?
  
  BBB: The Pines, right down the street
  
  OHRR: ::explodes:: MAN I WAS BOUTA MOVE IN THER BUT THEM MUTHAFUCKAS TURNED ME DOWN! HAD MY MUTHAFUCKIN CREDIT CHECK N EVERYTHANG! BUT SOON AS I WAS BOUTA MOVE IN THEY SAID I COULDN'T. FUCK EM!


From this point on, it just gets more ignoranter. . . .


• On Child Support
  Apparently, every black man with children in and around the City of Detroit owes child support.
  
  BBB: Man if you owe like less than $5,000, they won't even come after you. But I owe bout $10 G's!
  
  OHRR: Yeah I owe like $25 G's!
  
  BBB: Yeah I owe like $100 G's!
  
  Me: :-\



• On Prison
  BBB: Man I LOVE Dickerson Correctional Facility. If u get 45 days, they usually cut that shit to like 20. . . sometimes u might not even stay the NIGHT. If u ain't kill nobody, or did nothin too scantless, they might let you out that same night.
  
  OHRR: Yup, that's the one my son was locked up at.
  
  BBB: AND they got bitches!
  
  OHRR: ::really interested:: THEY LET YALL SEE THE WOMEN?!
  
  BBB: Naw, but all the COs is BITCHES! It was this one bitch in there just TRYYYYINA give me da pussy. I said 'Miss Kendall when u gon lemme get dat pussy?' She said 'Boy you crazy.'
  
  Me: . . . .


• On Technology
  BBB: ::texting:: Man I hate this text shit. But the bitches like it so I had to learn. I figger if THEY like it, I can learn that shit.
  
  OHRR: Yeah, keep that stable in line. (Mighta been a pun, cuz BBB told us that he cleans the horse stables for the police horses).
  But yeah my son paralyzed from the waist down be on that laaabtop. He come up to me tellin me put this tape in fa da naked ladies! I said 'Boy u can do ANYTHING on that computa!'
  
  Me: ::Fighting the urge to show them that they can also pull up porn on their cell phones::
  
  
• On dating
  BBB: Mosta the bitches I fucked wit was offa the bus! I fucked this white bitch in the bushes once. I just bought her a lil t-shirt from my job and she was wit it! Bangin her lil white ass in the bushes at Rouge Park!
  
  (At this point, I decided to get in on the action, for the sake of writing this)
  
  Me: Yeah I used to take the 6 mile bus home from high school. It was this one bad bitch I used to see EEEERRY day! So one day I sit next to her and start talkin to her. Next thing I know, I'm FINGERIN the bitch! ON the bus! I did that every day for a week, then was like 'you should come on down to my stop today.' She did. I fucked the shit outta her. From that day on, I just caught a different bus home!
  
  OHRR: Daaaaamn!
  
  BBB: YEAH! Tha's how u gotta DO these bitches! But the thang wit most black bitches is they all tryina get PAID! And yeah I ain't gon lie, I'll spend a lil bit on a bitch. Bitch be like 'Fitteen hunned' fa da pussy, I'll spend it just to fuck her lil bad ass and get her out my face.
  
  Me: Yeah!



• On The Weather
  Old Hood Rat Rodney tried to convince me that it hasn't rained that much this summer.
  
  OHRR: Man it's been really nice this year.
  
  Me: Yeah, but it rained a lot.
  
  OHRR: Naw it ain't rained THAT much.
  
  Me: Man it's rained like twice a week all summer.
  
  OHRR: Naw, it ain't rained that much.
  
  Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure we've had record rainfall this summer.
  
  OHRR: OK, I see what u mean. It ain't rain that MUCH, but when it DID rain, it was a lot.
  
  Me: OK.


............................

Bus pulls up.
BBB: This that fat ass bitch I bet. She ALWAYS late. Yop that's her fat ass.

We got on the bus and sat in 3 different spots. I was SO glad to not have to listen to their dumbassedness any longer.

A few stops later. . .

BBB: BACK DOE!. . . . . ::mutters under breath:: fat muthafucka!

No lie. I almost lost it.