Bus Log: Tue 6 October 2009

Ok so today was like "Attack of the Weirdos." At the bus stop on Woodward, just south of Campus Martius, coming out of this restaurant was a man. This was no ordinary man. He had on a Foogi sweater directly from 1996, a COWBOY hat with like a colorful peacock feather stuck in it, red wingtip shoes, and....wait for it.....he was wearing Big Bird for a coat. Red Big Bird. At first glance, I thought he was wearing a costume to promote a chicken restaurant or something. I HAD to get a pic...





Once I got on the bus, the weirdos kept rolling in like, like...::thinking of something that rolls::...HOT CAKES!! I swear, 3 of em got on at one stop. I thought they were together, but once they boarded, they sat down and began having conversations with themselves, independent of each other.

This one lady got on with this big black church hat, a furry, feathery coat (similar to Big Bird actually, but dark brown), and a big ass stuffed tiger. Every so often, she exclaimed "TIGA been eatin EV-RA-THANG! ::mumble mumble:: TIGA HOWNGRY!!" This continued.

At the next stop, another crazy got on. Since I was in need of more Bus Log material, and there was an empty seat next to me....I offered it to him. . . mistake. He was the most BORING crazy EVAR! He talked to himself in mumbles, and barely, he didn't even have a weird twitch to him! But he DID stink like hell. I lose. I lose. Bus Log backfire.

In the meanwhile, this lil kid gets on the bus, runs DIRECTLY to Tiga Lady, like she KNEW her, points, like 4" from this looney ass broad, and says "What dat mama?!" I had to turn my head to the window and laugh to myself.

Then this other guy tried to get on the bus, and the driver wouldn't let him on. He turns to the riders, like we're his congregation and yells, "YALL SEE DAT?? WON'T LET A BROTHA ON DA BUS, STRAIGHT FROM DA HOSPITAL TRYINA GET HOME! AM I MY BROTHA'S KEEPA??? HELL naw!" and jumped off.

Now THAT'S an exit lol.

Bus Log: Mon 5 October 2009

So I'm getting off the bus from work on the way home, and I see this person who may or may not be a bum walking towards me, staring me dead in the face. I get an excuse ready, cuz I'm almost sure they're gonna ask me for change that I don't have. I'm unsure of two things:

1. If they're really a bum. All I know is this person is dirty and has that half-there, half-insane look in their eyes.

2. If it's a man or woman. Just looked like a crazy, dirty, sexless person.

Anyway, I'm a relatively friendly guy (sometimes to a fault), so I speak. . . . my fault.

Instantly I know that it's a man. He says (in the deepest, raspiest, manliest voice ever) "Boy u got some pretty eyes!" Scared the shit outta me! And then, before I have a chance to process this comment, and decide between blushing politely and saying "thanks" or sheepishly quickly shuffling away, he follows it up with "I mean DREAMY! Yo eyes so dreeeeaaaamyyyyy! HYPNOTIZIN! Boy dem shole is some pretty, dreamy...." ::trails off as I continue walking away::

He literally stood still talking about my eyes until I was out of earshot. I hope he didn't follow me into my complex. I wouldn't be surprised if Art paid this guy to do that.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bus Log: Wed, 12 August 2009

OK, so I had a job interview this morning out in Farmington Hills, and I took the bus. After the interview, I had to ride from FH to Downtown Detroit. Nice, long bus ride. . . but through the burbs, and mostly on the Smart bus. I figured it would be an uneventful day. Hell, I TRIED not to observe anything. I put my headphones on and my head down for most of the trip. But when I got on the bus from 12 Mile and Drake. . . .

The bus arrived 10 minutes late. Smart buses are NEVER late. And I almost didn't get on, because the sign said the wrong number. I coulda SWORN it said "Route 666 - Detroit - Hellbound" at first, but I needed the "740 - 12 Mile," so I was gonna pass it up. I got on the bus to ask the driver what part of Detroit it goes through, and Lesbian Bus Driver says "Dis bus don't go ta Dee-trawit!" And looked at me like EYE was the ignorant one.

This bitch looked ROUGH! She looked like life hated her and she didn't bother to do anything to reconcile their differences. She was a big white lady with faded tattoos all over her neck and arms, and 2 or 3 teeth missing. Not the two RIGHT in the front, but some of the side-front joints, so it looks even more crackly. So after I figured out that this actually WAS the 12 Mile bus, I told her that the sign was wrong. She stood up, banged on the inside a couple times, and sat back down. With her, was another, equally rough-looking, big black lesbian woman.

Now, for all of you who do not know, there exists a double standard when it comes to women with fades. If a woman (no matter her sexual orientation) decides to rock a fade, she absolutely MUST, bar NOTHING, keep it sharp. A guy can get away with going to the barber shop every couple of weeks, line up every weekend, whatever. Not a woman. I have female friends who could be poster-women for fades. These young ladies need to show the world (and this one chic on the bus, in particular) how to rock a fade.

**End Rant**

This bitch's fade was HIT! It was like a lopsided-almost-kinda-nappy-but-not-really-a-fro. And she wanted to tell me that the sign was right too, and I was wrong. I just sat down.

The next stop was in OCC parking lot, and I guess the bus driver took a 73 second break. These three guys (who looked like Eminem's boys who weren't quite cool enough for D-12) came up to the door and asked which route it was

LBD: ::yells:: BUS STOP OVA DERE! ::pulls 10 feet forward and lets ANOTHER rough looking chic on the bus::

D-13: Oh so you gon pick us up from over there?
LBD: Naw I'ma make you jump over here.

Now she says this, not jokingly, but like a serious smart ass. Like she knew him and WANTED to fight him! So D-14 and D-15 walk in front of the bus, to the designated spot and grim the shit outta her. I laugh audibly.

But at this point, I'm starting to get a lil nervous. I'm on the bus with 3 REALLY mean looking, surly, burly, manly women, and they won't let anyone else on. I had a full beard, so they HAD to know I wasn't a woman, so that didn't worry me. But something was still kinda weird.

Turns out it was nothing. Literally, as SOON as D-13, D-14, and D-15 got to the other side of the parking lot, she drives up and lets them on. Funniest shit I had seen in some time.

Sylar got on the bus a few stops later and just sat quietly, thoughtfully. . . almost menacingly*.

*I mighta imagined the menacing part, because he looked like Sylar.

So for a good 15-20 minutes, I had my headphones on. Suddenly, I got the distinct feeling that I was missing something. I mute my headphones, and right away I hear

Ranting Idiot: ...I'm not STUPID, I got a lil brain damage, but I don't take no shit from NOBODY! and they KNOW that!

I stop reading my ebook, turn my music off, and start taking notes. Then, in a stroke of genius, I decide that it may be even MORE fun to just drop in on the monologue every few minutes, to further randomize the randomness, if you will.

This guy sounded like when Eddie Murphy does his "angry black guy" voice (2:34).

Ranting Idiot on Music:
RI: I don't see HOW Jay-Z dat RICH, mane! I been buyin his albums over TEN YEARS na and I don't see WHAT it is! I been tryina figga it out EVERY TIME I BUY one! I don't get it! He should be like Michael Jackson and make music EVERYBODY like!

Ranting Idiot on Sports:
RI: Lebron James! You KNOW dat boy like 30 years old! Him and Michael Vick. Why the Lions fans talkin bout we need to get him??? He OLD!!!

This other guy got on the bus. . . . and I don't really like to talk about people too much, but uh. . . . fuck it, yes I do. I'll present this equation for all my fellow job-seekers out there:

doo rag + cardboard suit = you won't get the job

You can always tell the guys who just got outta prison and are on their way to a job interview - they're usually wearing a too-big suit, carrying a trumpet case for a briefcase, white tube socks, and boots. Watch for em. You'll thank me.

Random thoughts:

• I saw a white albino and thought, "how did I realize that they were both?" White albinos are redundant.
• If you gotta bend down to reach your back pocket, there's a problem with your stupid ass pants, stupid ass.
• Saw a bunch of Mexicans in neck braces standing outside a building. . . I wondered what THAT conversation was like.
  

And this was just on the way TO work. . .

Bus Log: Fri 31 July 2009

BACK! After almost a year of unemployment, I'm back working...downtown at that. Hopefully these will come more frequently now.

OK, so taking the Grand River bus from the northwest side to downtown, I see a lotta people. Some standing at bus stops, some walking down the street, some in cars, etc. This one chic standing at the bus stop had a BAAAAD body....but looked like she had suffered YEARS of abuse by numerous ugly sticks. She had an ugly that wouldn't quit. She was so ugly, looking at her, you would instantly forget how bad her body was. Like it was so bad, her ugly would dissolve a paper bag. . . . but lemme tell you how amazing a product is lip gloss. She put that shit on soooo thick, and it was soooo shiny, it almost distracted me from her ugly momentarily. . . . almost.

Moving on.

At Grand River/ Fenkell McDonald's, Flava Flav's mama was running from the restaurant to the bus stop with a drink in her hand tryina catch the bus. Every 5 steps or so, she would stop to sip her drink, then continue running. My imagination of her thought process made this even more entertaining. It went a lil something like this:

OMG BUS LEAVIN!! ::running::
But this drink is delicious... ::sipping::
BUT THE BUS IS LEAVING!!! ::running::
But MAN this drink is amazing... ::sipping::

Then, on the bus, there seemed to be an unusually large number of old people who didn't get the memo that they were old. this one guy had on some "Cartier ;-)" glasses, a beater and a big ol Jesus piece....like the big charm with a face of (what the tell us is) Jesus, encrusted in "[diamonds]." THIS MUTHAFUCKA WAS 70 YEARS OLD!!!! AT LEAST!!! He looked like he had a pocket full of candy corn and one dollar bills! He was probably taking the bus to the cemetery just to save his family the hassle. Old people. . .

If you're ever driving down Grand River, take notice of some of the weird ass business and store names/ logos. Here are a couple:

• Da Jump Off - I have no idea what it is or was or what the fuck they sell or do.
• Larry's Discount Tools - With a picture of Larry, an angry beaver holding a hammer.

There was this idiot walking down the street wearing a shirt that said

I GOT
IT FOR
CHEAP

big as FUCK. So, not only are you not making much money, but you're basically wearing "PLEASE ARREST ME" big as hell on your chest. When did drug dealers get official uniforms??? One of two things is gonna happen with drug dealers:

1. They're going to all eventually die of dumbness cuz they're getting so fuckin dumber. Or
2. The Drug Dealers Association of America (The Government) will require an entrance exam and/ or bachelor's degree in order to get employment.

Once we got near downtown, this guy asked the bus driver to let him off at a light, while the bus was stopped...no big deal. Once we started moving again, this other bitch asked the bus driver "Can u let me off right here??" .....in the middle of the street, while the bus was moving full fucking speed. She yelled that like 2 or 3 times as we're driving down the street. Once we got to an actual bus stop, she storms off the bus and yells "BOUT DAMN TIME MUTHAFUCKA!" This guy follows her off the bus, cosigning, then runs down the street chasing pigeons.

How to Open the Box Which Contains the Key to Happiness. . .

From the world's greatest book: How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Enjoy

You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it:

“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

“Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there…”
Everybody in the world is seeking happiness, and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. For example, two people may be in the same place, doing the same thing; both may have about an equal amount of money and prestige, and yet one may be miserable and the other happy.

Why? Because of a different mental attitude. I have seen just as many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling with their primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in air-conditioned offices in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles.
“There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so.”