I Been There

Nosebleed highs to
soul-crushing lows. I've been there
all alone, & where
everyone knows.

Roller coaster rides -
some took months to reach
the top.
I been through all the
twists & curves. Yeah
I done been dropped.
C h o p p e d & screwed,
used like a tool.
Then cut from the roster,
& knocked off the
choppin block

I been left in the
dark.
Cold, dry & stark.
My face slammed by the door.
Yup, I been on
that floor.

Days in the cold.
Nights drippin sweat.
Emotionally withdrawn,
yeah I been in
that debt.
Black Friday - I've been up,
stood in line,
been denied.
Never mattered how I'd feel -
Always drove A Hard Deal.

I been left in the air,
I've been lost amongst
the stars.
Way out in
deep space.
Confronted strange beings,
tried to understand
their feelings.
Asking strangers
what up doe
chica?

Able to find
nothing.
No rhyme,
nor reason,
I packed up all my shit

"Yo, I'm outa here. I'm leavin!"

I couldn't understand
a word the natives were sayin.
But they were always real loud
and ain't look like they were playin.

Hopped back in
my spaceship. Ready to bounce.
but the thing is:
I'm lost in this place -
a lowly Martian
stuck on Venus.

I just wanted to get
home. Told the alien
"meet me halfway - we can find
common ground.
Somewhere between
my place &
yours."

Things not to do while drunk

i like teh list.

Bored drunkenness is a surefire way to inspire bloggery. All of the things on this list are events I've actually witnessed or personally done.

Let's have story time:

Things not to do while drunk:

1. Shave or cut your hair (. . . the infamous timmy pics. yeah. . .)
2. Shave or cut someone else's hair.
3. Modify your hard drive partitioning layout
4. Make jokes about ex to current
5. Try to fix plumbing
6. Fry anything
7. Consider rubbing alcohol as a suitable alternative after the Bacardi runs dry.
   

I wanna write blogs in this club

So it's my birthday. I'm at a titty bar. Alone. I'm sober right now, and want to document everything that happens; it may end up in hilarity, it may not.

10:30 - order a long island. Tell waittress it's my birthday, and ask what I could get for free. She says nothing. Ask her to have bartender at least make it strong. It is weak.

I've never been to a titty bar with such little titties. There is a Hooters swimsuit competition on the tv right now that's much more interesting. I'm leaning around a stripper to watch it.

10:36 - T-shirt yelling contest ensues. Manager comes out, says "loudest guy gets a T-SHIRT!" I remain silent. So does everyone else. I yell, win T-shirt.

10:43 - Usher - Love in this club comes on. I think about how itty bitty the titties are in this titty bar. Sing "I want to write blogs in this club," text to a few people.

10:50 - Manager sends me a free cherry bomb. Maybe the waitress told him it was my birthday. I recognize him from when he was a bouncer when I used to come here regularly a couple years ago. Then he was a bouncer at another (non-titty bar) I used to frequent, now he's the manager here. Cherry bomb = weakness.

10:58 - This ugly hoe comes up to me and says "I'ma take advantage of you." I cringe, but manage a pseudo-friendly smile and response. "How?" I ask. She replies, "I'ma put you between my legs." I say "Lemme have another few drinks first." She smiles and says "I'ma hold you to that!" I switch seats. Put glasses on, pull hat over eyes.

11:04 - T shirt yelling contest again. Stripper yells to me "YOU can GET it!!!" I show her the shirt that I've already won. Yell loudly. Win another t-shirt. Out of T-shirts, offer me a Santa doll. I accept.

11:11 - E40, Shawty Lo blow my limited buzz.

11:38 - Drink special again. Cherry Bombs/ Lemon Drops 2/$10. I order one of each. Tell the waitress to inform the bartender that I was offended by my last two drinks, and quit treatin me like a bitch; gimme somethin I can feel. Drinks come. Weak.

11:52 - Chic with huge boobs comes out. I get hopeful that the night might not be a total bust (no pun). She was kinda cute, nice figure, glow in the dark draws (which, in my opinion, is GENIUS in a titty bar; guys like shiny/ glowy things). She takes off her top (I realize it was an actual BRA, like a fuckin SUPPORT bra or some shit), and the girls drop out like big, floppy, donkey ears. She should keep those things covered; everything was fine till they flooded her waistline. Her titties reminded me of my grandma's, with less wrinkles. Be a waitress, or secretary...stripping isn't your calling. I want to tell her this.

Ready to leave, I mix my Cherry Bomb with my Lemon Drop in effort to make expedient exit.

12:11 - After Nickelback song (which I sing to the end), Bubba Spaxxx comes on. 

Nickelback + Bubba Sparxxx + old guys from Yesterday's = exit.

12:15 - THIS bitch...I wasn't paying any attention. I was actually watching the Pistons game on the screen behind her, when I realize she was licking the pole and making stroking motions with her hand - like it was a penis. If I ever opened my eyes and saw HER at the end of my boy, I'd karate chop it off just to get her off of me. I'm througly disgusted.

12:16 - Head towards the door. Birthday theme (MIA - Paper Planes) comes on. Sing "no one in La Chambre has birthday like me."

Fin.

Dream Log - 20 November 2008

Well, since I've been unemployed, I
1.) Have nowhere to take the bus,
2.) Sleep a lot more, and
3.) Drink a lot more.

All of these things, I believe, warranted a new set of entries: The Dream Log.

Let's start with this afternoon.

I dreamt this girl stole my speakers outta the trunk of my car and killed my family. I saw her at school today and grimmed the shit out of her.

I do not know her.

ATTENTION: MILFS, COUGARS, AND SUGAR MAMAS

So I was raking the leaves today and got a lil warm, so I took off my hoodie. Mind you, I've been working out lately so yeah...I'm kinda hot. This old lady drove by and blew the horn at me. I didn't know if she was just doing it to say "What a nice young man, raking leaves." or "YEEEEEAAAH BABY! WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED, COME RAKE THE SHIT OUTTA MY LAWN TOO ;-)" Either way, it made me wanna repost my sugar mama ad on Craigslist. Unfortunately, my ad falls under "Erotic Services," and there's now a charge for posting erotic ads...so I just put it under "Household Services."

Win = Me.


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Helloooooooooo (rich and/or rich & old) Ladies,

Are you lonely?

Need someone to listen?

Would you like to pay my rent and tuition?

If the answer to at least the last of these three questions is yes, then I'm your guy! I'm 26 years old (but can look as young as 17 if you want me to shave). I have a great sense of humor, cute (I've been compared to the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee), and don't have any kids. If you prefer a guy with a baby, I have a 2 year old nephew who I can pretend is my son (he's adorable).

I'll come by, watch The Price is Right with you, go play your numbers, give you your insulin shot, do some laundry, read the newspaper, go to lunch, whatever. Let's have fun! No sex though...unless...well......how old are you? Nevermind...no sex. We can talk about sex though. Like how much sex we WOULD have if you were younger though, or about how GREAT I am at it...ya know...with YOUNGER, HOTTER women (I'm a stallion in the sack - you won't be disappointed with my stories).

So if you're open-minded, in need of attention, and wealthy, give me a holler - I'm free all day (just got laid off).

Looking forward to meeting you hot mamas!...(no pun intended)....(ok yes it was).

I'm serious, by the way.

The answer is YES!