This One Time, At My Ol Dude's Crib. . . (30 May 2009)

So much hilarity happens at my Ol Dude's crib, I figure it deserves an ongoing segment on the blog.

This morning, I was over there working in the garage. I was building a storage shelf to put in my basement. He was kinda helping, but not really. At about 10:30, he says he has to go take my cousin to work. About 5 seconds after getting in the car and backing up about 10 feet, he stops abruptly and jumps out:

(And this is where the hilarity ensues)


Ol Dude: Ay man! There's a CAT in my car somewhere! I can HEAR it, but don't SEE it!
Me: HA!

So we start looking all over the car, in the back seat, I knock on the hood, thinking maybe it crawled up in the engine or somethin. I still didn't hear it, but I figure if he was that convinced, that there MUST be a cat in this muhfucka somewhere. So he pops the trunk, and before I can say "hol up, lemme get outta the way," this big ass white furball bolts outta the trunk and down the driveway.

Talk
about
DYING
with
laughter. . .
I thought I was gonna kick the bucket right then and there in the driveway with my dad and this strange ass trunk-cat watching.

Ol Dude: MAN IT WAS A GODDAMN CAT IN MY TRUNK!!! THAT MUTHAFUCKA PISSED AND SHITTED ALL IN MY SHIT!!!

Me: LMAOLMAOLMAO

Ol Dude: ::continuing tirade of anger:: HOW THE HELL DID IT GET IN THERE???

Me: ::unable to form intelligible sentences because of inhibitive laughter:: LMAOLMAOLMAO

Ol Dude: Man clean this shit out my trunk. Gimme yo car keys!

That trunk was so fulla cat urine and feces, it was ridiculous. I almost stopped laughing, it was so much cat shit in there. . . . almost. And as I'm cleaning up, the cat is still lurking around lookin at me like "Please let me back in :-(" So I chased it away with a metal pipe.

And don't get it twisted; I had every intention on beating that pussy. . . cat.

Ol Dude's house is always full of comedy.

"Who Am I. . . " 10 September 1999

Funny how not much has changed in 10 years. . . I have always written stupid papers.

My name is Thomas Phillips. I am a senior here at Renaissance. I have been going here since I was a freshman. It's a pretty cool place, I guess. The only real complaint that I have is the dismissal time. It has changed at least three times since I have been here. In 9th grade it was 3:15. I don't remember what happened after that, but I know it wasn't that time all year. Then, when I was in 10th grade, they went crazy and changed it to 3:51. After much protest, they changed it to 3:21. I would like to get out earlier, but this is tolerable.

In my opinion, I am a very likeable person. Occasionally, I get a little static from "The Haters." Speaking of haters, I try to avoid them. Haters bring drama. I don't need that. They can go to hell for all I care, straight up. Generally, I am laid back and nonchalant. I like to get adjusted to my surroundings before I make myself noticed. So, if I seem shy, just wait a couple weeks, it will wear off. I am very silly, once you get to know me.

I have many hobbies. The sports that I like the most are basketball and football. I do not play on a team anywhere, but I play on the block with my friends. When I think back on my 9th and 10th grade years, I believe that I should have tried out for the teams. Now, I am a little intimidated to try out this late in high school. I feel that if I was going to play, I should have played in the 9th or 10th grade.

Another one of my hobbies is computers. I enjoy working with them. I will most likely make a career out of it. I'm trying to learn how to make my own programs and stuff like that. Maybe I will make a virus and have it on the news or something. That would be pretty cool.

I am active in the instrumental program here at Renaissance. I am a member of the symphony band, jazz band, and marching band. I like it except for the fact that I have to be here at 7:00 in the morning some days. Last year we went to Disney World. That was a nice trip. The total cost was only $480. We did fundraisers to cover the majority of it though.

When I graduate, I want to go to U of M. I will probably major in computer engineering and minor in something to do with business. I want to get a master's degree in my major. I may take over my father's company when I graduate from college, or hold a high position in a large computer company. Either way, I want to be rich. If I get married, my wife will be super fine with an excellent body. I'm not going to have a dumb broad either. My wife will be independent and educated as well. I want to have two or three children. I have big dreams for the future.

The Sexually-Transmitted, Dancing Turtle Cancer

An essay I wrote last year. It actually starts out like a serious paper (first 3 paragraphs). . . . then I got bored

Thomas Phillips

Essay 4 – Engineering Design,

Manufacturing Process, &

Material Selection

25 March 2008

Engineering design, manufacturing processes, and material selection are three important things to take into consideration in the engineering process. The layman may not directly appreciate the effort that goes into ensuring that these factors are not overlooked, but the repercussions are definitely felt when they are ignored.

Let's start with engineering design. When a product is properly designed, it functions as expected. Therefore, the user may not recognize the thought that went into making sure the design was sufficient to carry out its intended purpose. For example, compare the MPC laptop issued by LTU with a MacBook pro. There are many differences between the two, but the one of interest for this conversation is the cooling system. On the MPC, the fan vent is directly on the bottom of the computer. If a person sets this laptop on their lap, or any soft surface, it will undoubtedly block the flow of air, and the computer becomes very hot. This could cause damage to the internal components or possibly (albeit, unlikely) injuries to the user. This machine was engineered with the function of cooling the computer in mind, but at the inconvenience of the human using the machine.

The MacBook Pro, on the other hand, is engineered with the user in mind. There are internal fans, but they do not ventilate onto the user's lap. The system is designed such that a user can use this laptop in the lap. Mac users may not have noticed this, because they have never had to deal with the inconsiderations of another notebook manufacturer. However, most MPC users have at some point had their laptop overheat because they left it on their lap, couch, floor, or other soft surface for an extended period of time.

Manufacturing process is very important in terms of the environment. Investigation must be done before production commences to find out the latent effects of mass-producing. Also, the disposal of any by-products or waste created in the process must be taken into account. For example, Pfeiffer Incorporated (a totally imaginary company) has just gotten FDA approval on a formula to cure HIV and all types of cancer. They call it the “WE'RE ALL RICH BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS!!^©” pill. In an effort to make as money as quickly as poss—I mean, in order to cure as many people as possible, as quickly as possible, Pfeiffer Inc, decides to rush into mass-producing the WARBOWD^© pill. The pill goes into circulation, and in 6 months, 93% of all reported HIV and cancer is eradicated.

Eight months after the release, people in Dirtpile, Oklahoma start reporting cancer in alarming rates. The by-product of the fumes generated by making the anti-cancer medicine created a mutation of cancer. It is now airborne as well as sexually transmitted. However, instead of killing its host, this new supercancer causes those infected to grow giant turtle shells on their backs and dance hysterically in the streets. In an effort to stop the spread of the Super Turtle Dancing-Cancer, President Ron Paul declares a state of emergency, builds a giant glass box around Dirtpile, Oklahoma, and fills it partially with water. The powers that be decide to make this into an attraction, and millions of people from around the world come to visit every year. Vice President Perot just happens to own a giant aquarium manufacturing company, so this just happens works out well in the end...but we see how it COULD have ended up badly.

Bus Log: Fri 3 April 2009

Haven't gotten on DDOT/ Smart in a while, so I figured I'd give it a go.

I got on right by the crib, at 6 Mile and Evergreen. As I board the bus, I notice the driver is slumped over, talking on her phone, not really paying attention to who's getting on the bus, or how much they pay. I'm broke, so I had to pay in all nickles. And since I took the time to count all that shit out prior to getting on the bus, I took my time and made sure I paid my correct fare. Why the bitch look annoyed???

Driving down the street, she's just talkin on her phone, loud and ghetto as hell, missing stops, running lights, it was awful. . . but hilarious.

I never noticed the terrible names for some of the businesses on 6 Mile. The stretch between Southfield and Wyoming has all types of establishments with utterly ridiculous and/ or completely unoriginal shit outside. Here are a few:

• The Building
• Pacemaker Accounting
• There was a big banner reading "Loose Chitlins"
• Mini Mart's Meat is Hard to Beat (my personal favorite)
• The A Spot (Hair salon?)
• There was a CCW ad painted on the side of "The Building" with a gun pointing to the right. Directly to the right of the CCW ad was a youth ministry ad
  
• 6 Mile and Livernois. Nicky D's Coney Island. RIGHT across the street from McDonald's!!!!! They must have had some legal issue, because their sign used to be half of the Golden Arches, shaped like a lower-case "n." Wish I had a pic. Now, they changed it to some other shit. Still quite comical.
• On Woodward - Notorious Unisex Salon. I NEVER want anything to do with a place in HP called "Notorious"

Enter Highland Park.

You can always tell heroine addicts. I could be off about this, but whenever I see a shady looking, unshaven white person in the middle of the hood, I just assume "Yeah, he's looking for some heroine." Is it just me???

There is a building on 6 Mile, between Hamilton and Woodward that has been burnt down, boarded up, and burnt down again. Outside of this building is a crudely spray painted "Bldg for sale." A practicing arsonist wouldn't want this building! The only people I could think of who would want it are the crackheads, to have someplace scary to do their crack, or rats, for a breeding ground. There wasn't any contact info anyway, so. . .

I really think there is a secret society of arsonists who come to Highland Park to practice their arsonry. They get it down to a science in HP, then disperse throughout the country, setting fires for the government, police cover-ups, and California wildfires.

I think people still LIVE in some of the burnt up houses. They've just adapted, like some people learn to live with roaches. "We just don't use the upstairs no mo since it got firebombed." And they go on living as if nothing happened.

In between a burnt up house and a burnt down lot where a burnt up house used to be, and across the street from a burnt up tree, there is a sign which reads "The City of Highland Park Working for You."

HOW??? NOTHING in this city works!!! That sign is like calling someone ugly who was recently face-mauled by a pitt bull!

Transferring to the Woodward bus, I saw Slick Rick's daddy. He was wearing a bucket hat, dark lokes, Used jeans with a fuckin Cadillac patch, and mad beauty supply jewelry. And was listening to a Walkman tape player. Probably to the Gap Band.

As I exited the bus, I noticed this:



MAN I missed taking the bus. . .

Bus Log: Thu 26 March 2009 - Vegas Edition

Location: Las Vegas - The Strip - Double Decker bus - Upstairs

Me, Ralph, Jay, Kelv, and Ant are on the bus goin down the strip. No seats downstairs, so me and Ralph go upstairs. Soon as we get up there, we pass this dude who looks JUST like Ice-T. Moments later, almost on cue, this redneck who looks like Larry the Cable Guy walks up with his wife and sits directly behind Ice-T.

Ralph: Time to bring back the bus log??
Me: Indeed. ::pull out the iPhone to take notes::



Now that the stage is set, all we have to do is sit back and observe. Soon as Ice-T sits down

Larry the Cable Guy: ::very southern backwoods drawl:: Man, you look just like SNOOP DOGG!

Me & Ralph: ::trying not to explode in laughter::
Ice-T: ::looks back:: Aw man HELL naw! You even know who Snoop Dogg is???
LCG: Oh HAYLL YEAH BUUDDY! Ah seen 'um once on tha TeeVee!
Ice: So you should know iont look nothin LIKE dat nigga den!

This continues for a while. After some time, they found common ground and ended up being buddies. There was a couple of rich white folks sittin right near them, but they got sick of the shenanigans and moved up to the front, mumbling "damn rednecks!"

I laughed aloud.

Ice-T's phone rings: Gorilla Zoe talkin bout "HOOD NIGGA!!. . . " loud as hell. He lets it play for a good 10 seconds, doin the LA/ west coast arms-in-the-air-lazy-sway. I smack my forehead and cover my face.

Ice: What up?. . . . Uh huh?. . . . Aw HELL NAW NIGGA!!. . . . Oh fa sho. . . . Ay tell dat nigga. . . . etc.

RIGHT after he hangs up, Larry the Cable Guy's phone rings. His ringer sounded like a cordless phone from 1993.

LCG: Hal-low?!

Everybody on the bus starts crackin up. It really seems like they're puttin this show on for us. I started looking for cameras at this point. They continue the comradery, and start talkin about people outside the bus. Now, everybody in the upstairs is amused by the pair.

Ice: (Noticing a chunky girl jogging down the street.) Shit, her fat ass need to run FASTER!

LMAO! This was the only one I could remember, but it was the best one.

Then Larry the Cable Guy starts talkin about his hydrocodone prescription, wondering if he could get it filled out here. That was funny for some reason.

We had to get off the bus before them, but it was a hilariously fun time. Thank you Larry the Cable Guy and Ice-T - you are true American heroes.