Bus Log: Fri 3 April 2009

Haven't gotten on DDOT/ Smart in a while, so I figured I'd give it a go.

I got on right by the crib, at 6 Mile and Evergreen. As I board the bus, I notice the driver is slumped over, talking on her phone, not really paying attention to who's getting on the bus, or how much they pay. I'm broke, so I had to pay in all nickles. And since I took the time to count all that shit out prior to getting on the bus, I took my time and made sure I paid my correct fare. Why the bitch look annoyed???

Driving down the street, she's just talkin on her phone, loud and ghetto as hell, missing stops, running lights, it was awful. . . but hilarious.

I never noticed the terrible names for some of the businesses on 6 Mile. The stretch between Southfield and Wyoming has all types of establishments with utterly ridiculous and/ or completely unoriginal shit outside. Here are a few:

• The Building
• Pacemaker Accounting
• There was a big banner reading "Loose Chitlins"
• Mini Mart's Meat is Hard to Beat (my personal favorite)
• The A Spot (Hair salon?)
• There was a CCW ad painted on the side of "The Building" with a gun pointing to the right. Directly to the right of the CCW ad was a youth ministry ad
  
• 6 Mile and Livernois. Nicky D's Coney Island. RIGHT across the street from McDonald's!!!!! They must have had some legal issue, because their sign used to be half of the Golden Arches, shaped like a lower-case "n." Wish I had a pic. Now, they changed it to some other shit. Still quite comical.
• On Woodward - Notorious Unisex Salon. I NEVER want anything to do with a place in HP called "Notorious"

Enter Highland Park.

You can always tell heroine addicts. I could be off about this, but whenever I see a shady looking, unshaven white person in the middle of the hood, I just assume "Yeah, he's looking for some heroine." Is it just me???

There is a building on 6 Mile, between Hamilton and Woodward that has been burnt down, boarded up, and burnt down again. Outside of this building is a crudely spray painted "Bldg for sale." A practicing arsonist wouldn't want this building! The only people I could think of who would want it are the crackheads, to have someplace scary to do their crack, or rats, for a breeding ground. There wasn't any contact info anyway, so. . .

I really think there is a secret society of arsonists who come to Highland Park to practice their arsonry. They get it down to a science in HP, then disperse throughout the country, setting fires for the government, police cover-ups, and California wildfires.

I think people still LIVE in some of the burnt up houses. They've just adapted, like some people learn to live with roaches. "We just don't use the upstairs no mo since it got firebombed." And they go on living as if nothing happened.

In between a burnt up house and a burnt down lot where a burnt up house used to be, and across the street from a burnt up tree, there is a sign which reads "The City of Highland Park Working for You."

HOW??? NOTHING in this city works!!! That sign is like calling someone ugly who was recently face-mauled by a pitt bull!

Transferring to the Woodward bus, I saw Slick Rick's daddy. He was wearing a bucket hat, dark lokes, Used jeans with a fuckin Cadillac patch, and mad beauty supply jewelry. And was listening to a Walkman tape player. Probably to the Gap Band.

As I exited the bus, I noticed this:



MAN I missed taking the bus. . .

Bus Log: Thu 26 March 2009 - Vegas Edition

Location: Las Vegas - The Strip - Double Decker bus - Upstairs

Me, Ralph, Jay, Kelv, and Ant are on the bus goin down the strip. No seats downstairs, so me and Ralph go upstairs. Soon as we get up there, we pass this dude who looks JUST like Ice-T. Moments later, almost on cue, this redneck who looks like Larry the Cable Guy walks up with his wife and sits directly behind Ice-T.

Ralph: Time to bring back the bus log??
Me: Indeed. ::pull out the iPhone to take notes::



Now that the stage is set, all we have to do is sit back and observe. Soon as Ice-T sits down

Larry the Cable Guy: ::very southern backwoods drawl:: Man, you look just like SNOOP DOGG!

Me & Ralph: ::trying not to explode in laughter::
Ice-T: ::looks back:: Aw man HELL naw! You even know who Snoop Dogg is???
LCG: Oh HAYLL YEAH BUUDDY! Ah seen 'um once on tha TeeVee!
Ice: So you should know iont look nothin LIKE dat nigga den!

This continues for a while. After some time, they found common ground and ended up being buddies. There was a couple of rich white folks sittin right near them, but they got sick of the shenanigans and moved up to the front, mumbling "damn rednecks!"

I laughed aloud.

Ice-T's phone rings: Gorilla Zoe talkin bout "HOOD NIGGA!!. . . " loud as hell. He lets it play for a good 10 seconds, doin the LA/ west coast arms-in-the-air-lazy-sway. I smack my forehead and cover my face.

Ice: What up?. . . . Uh huh?. . . . Aw HELL NAW NIGGA!!. . . . Oh fa sho. . . . Ay tell dat nigga. . . . etc.

RIGHT after he hangs up, Larry the Cable Guy's phone rings. His ringer sounded like a cordless phone from 1993.

LCG: Hal-low?!

Everybody on the bus starts crackin up. It really seems like they're puttin this show on for us. I started looking for cameras at this point. They continue the comradery, and start talkin about people outside the bus. Now, everybody in the upstairs is amused by the pair.

Ice: (Noticing a chunky girl jogging down the street.) Shit, her fat ass need to run FASTER!

LMAO! This was the only one I could remember, but it was the best one.

Then Larry the Cable Guy starts talkin about his hydrocodone prescription, wondering if he could get it filled out here. That was funny for some reason.

We had to get off the bus before them, but it was a hilariously fun time. Thank you Larry the Cable Guy and Ice-T - you are true American heroes.

Writing Proficiency

This is a real exam I took this afternoon, which I need to pass in order to graduate. . .

WRITING PROFICIENCY EXAM (COM3000)

Date: 31 March 2009 Start Time: 12:30pm

Your Banner ID:

Before proceeding use SAVE AS (under File, then Save As) and name this file your Banner ID. (eg, ZZ987654321).

Make sure to give your essay a title. Begin writing below this line:

Other Applications of Katrina Cottages

After Hurricane Katrina in 2001, the US Government had one of the worst response rates to a natural disaster ever. The storm forced people out of their homes and into makeshift shelters such as the Super Dome. Once the few established havens were filled to capacity, people had no choice but to live (and die) in the streets.

Once FEMA actually did arrive, their solution for temporary housing was far from ideal. Many of the FEMA-provided trailers had fundamental problems, and thus, were considered uninhabitable. In an effort to help in future disaster situations, private companies have now begun selling small, easy-to-build homes for use in exactly this type of scenario.

“Katrina Cottages,” as they are called, were developed in direct response to the failed effort by the Federal Government to provide shelter to the people of New Orleans affected by Hurricane Katrina. They range in size from 308 square feet to 1,807 square feet, and have as many as five bedrooms. While temporary disaster housing is one application for this product, it definitely has other uses.

The universe is huge, and the likelihood that humans are the only intelligent life is very slim. In the event that other organisms are more advanced than we are, they will probably visit Earth before we find them. In this scenario, we should have lodging available for them upon their arrival. Katrina Cottages are the perfect solution. Our extraterrestrial friends will enjoy the same comfort and amenities experienced by displaced and low-income Earth families. Leaps and bounds better than a FEMA trailer, the housing units are equipped with running water and electricity, and some even come with a covered porch. Our intergalactic guests can sip cool Earth lemonade in the shade while learning the best game our planet has to offer: bid-whist. What could be better?!

After a week of our Earthly hospitality, the aliens reveal to us that they are a band of interplanetary pirates, whose original intention was to come and destroy our planet, rape our natural resources, and leave us a barren, deserted, and dead world, as they had done in countless other galaxies. However, because of our comfortable amenities, they change their minds, and instead, decide to shower us with the latest technological advances, such as Playstation^® 7 and light sabers.

Another application of the Katrina Cottages is in the area of group housing. Nuns, ex-convicts, and whores alike all live in community settings which Katrina Cottages would adequately fit the bill. I do not know about everyone else, but I smell a reality TV show.

"Nuns, Gunnz & Hoes" premiers, based on the premise of the members of a convent, a halfway house, and a whorehouse all living together under one Katrina Cottage roof. The concept catches on like wildfire, and millions watch season 1. For season 2, MTV decides to expand to three cottages. This process continues for five more seasons.

By this time, MTV has the resources to buy tens of thousands of these all over the world, pairing the unlikeliest of people within its confines, and all the while keeping the cameras rolling. The benefits are tremendous! Local economies flourish because of the injection of new money being spent by MTV roadies and crew. Not to mention, the entertainment value is phenomenal.

Eventually, there are so many new shows that MTV has to expand to at least 38 stations. MTV outgrows, and eventually buys Viacom. Next, they apply to become a sovereign nation, and when the UN disagrees, MTV simply destroys its opposition with heat death ray guns (another gift from the friendly aliens). After making the astute realization that the organization is not a country, a shy (but incredibly handsome) entry-level employee from the former Detroit suggests the newly formed establishment call itself The Evil Empire of MTV. Those in charge love it, and the name sticks. Having graduated from Lawrence Technological University’s College of Engineering, he was required to take Technical and Professional Communications, as well as pass a Writing Proficiency Exam. Because of these two things, he was able to adeptly express his thoughts in writing to the upper management. The handsome young man works his way up the evil corporate ladder, and after just two short years, earns the title of Darth Thomas.

Clearly, Katrina Cottages have the capacity to drastically change the world. From housing a rogue band of intergalactic alien pirates bent on annihilating all life outside of themselves, to unwittingly fostering the destruction of our own society by an evil homegrown corporation, these ingenious houses definitely have a place in our world. Our main responsibility is to utilize them in the proper applications. The goal is to see a need and fulfill it, which is exactly what Katrina Cottages have the ability to do.

A Simple Algorithm for Understanding Love Through the Use of the Implementation of Logic Functions written in Pseudo C++

(I had to use dots because punkass HTML doesn't recognize tabs or whitespace)


for (ever)
{
..... if (you && me == true)
..... {
.......... love = us;
.......... go to happyEverAfter;
..... }

..... else if ((you && me == true) && (you && someoneElse == true))
..... {
.......... ERROR!;
.......... go to heartBreak;
..... }

..... else
..... {
.......... you + me != us;
.......... go to heartBreak;
..... }

..... while ((you == happy) && (you == smiling))
..... {
.......... me --> tryingToKeepThat == true;
.......... if (lieToYou == true, but you == stillHappyCuzYouDontKnowImLyingToYou)
.......... then
............... lieToYou;
.......... else if (you = !happy because lieToYou)
............... lieToYouAgain;
.......... until
............... you = happy;
..... }
}


happyEverAfter(you, me)
{
..... while (yourHappiness >= myHappiness)
.......... continue happyEverAfter;
..... else
.......... ERROR!
.......... go to heartBreak;
}

heartBreak (you, me)
{
.......... while (youIgnoreMe == true)
.......... infinite loop
.......... {
............... call you;
............... text you;
............... email you;
............... visit your family randomly;
............... deny stalking youo;
............... if (youCallCops)
.................... BREAK;
.......... }
}

return 0;

Dream Log - 12 Feb 2009

I didn't think this dream log thing would catch on. I had one entry, and then, magically, all my dreams got boring.....until last night.

I had a dream that there were cats in my back yard trying to get into the house everytime I opened the back door. And whenever I went out, they would talk to me.

One of them said, in a real smooth voice "ay man, you can let us in! we cool!"

So I acted like I was about to let them in (not at all weirded out at the fact that the fuckin cat was talking to me) then tried to slam the door on one as he walked through the doorway.

Unfortunately he got through, and said "ay man, you tried to slam that door on me? not cool, man." But he wasn't angry. Just kinda bummed that I tried to kill him. Then I said "hey, can you leave back out real quick?" Then after he left out, I said "Ok, now come back." And when he did, I slammed him in the door. I did this with at least 2 of his buddies as well. Cats in my dreams are dumber than in real life, I think.

So after I put them all in garbage bags and rolled the dumpster around, they started talking to me again. "Hey man, you can't just throw us away. We gon get out and come right back to yo backyard again." Then the garbage truck came.